第 20 节
作者:
童舟 更新:2021-02-20 15:23 字数:9322
o wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts; I was forced to bend myself all the while; to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them; as it went from mouth to mouth。 The reason of this temptation; I have thought since; was; because I did not with that reverence that became me at first; approach to partake thereof。
254。 Thus I continued for three quarters of a year; and could never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture; by which my soul was visited before: and after that; I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have; I trust; therein discerned the Lord's body; as broken for my sins; and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions。
255。 Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption; wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized; with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live。 Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future; and of my evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath; I bless the name of God; been my usual course; as always; so especially in the day of affliction; to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come; clear before mine eyes。
256。 But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul; but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely; my deadness; dulness; and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart; of my wearisomeness in all good things; my want of love to God; His ways and people; with this at the end of all; ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY? ARE THESE TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN?
257。 At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man; my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me; quite taken out of my mind; and hid as if they had never been; or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations; LIVE I MUST NOT; DIE I DARE NOT。 Now I sunk and fell in my spirit; and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state; that word of God took hold of my heart; YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE; THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS。 Rom。 iii。 24。 But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258。 Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence; I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: SINNER; THOU THINKEST; THAT BECAUSE THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES; I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL; BUT BEHOLD MY SON IS BY ME; AND UPON HIM I LOOK; AND NOT ON THEE; AND SHALL DEAL WITH THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM。 At this I was greatly lightened in my mind; and made to understand; that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ; and imputing His benefits to us; and the work was forthwith done。
259。 And as I was thus in a muse; that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit; NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE HAVE DONE; BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US; ETC。 2 Tim。 i。 9; Tit。 iii。 5。 Now was I got on high; I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour; yet; now I cried; LET ME DIE: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight; for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE INDEED; TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD。 Oh! methought this life is but a slumber; in comparison with that above。 At this time also I saw more in these words; HEIRS OF GOD; Rom。 viii。 17; than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: HEIRS OF GOD! God Himself is the portion of the saints。 This I saw and wondered at; but cannot tell you what I saw。
260。 Again; as I was at another time very ill and weak; all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave; then is his opportunity); labouring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death; and the judgment of God; insomuch that at this time; through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die); I was as one dead before death came; and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said; There were no way; but to hell I must: but behold; just as I was in the midst of those fears; these words of the angel's carrying LAZARUS into ABRAHAM'S bosom darted in upon me; as who should say; SO IT SHALL BE WITH THEE WHEN THOU DOST LEAVE THIS WORLD。 This did sweetly revive my spirit; and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while; that word fell with great weight upon my mind; O DEATH; WHERE IS THY STING? O GRAVE; WHERE IS THY VICTORY? 1 Cor。 xv。 55。 At this I became both well in body and mind at once; for my sickness did presently vanish; and I walked comfortably in my work for God again。
261。 At another time; though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit; yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness; which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ; that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit; that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after GRACE and LIFE by CHRIST; I was as if my loins were broken; or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains。 At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man; which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me。
262。 After I had been in this condition some three or four days; as I was sitting by the fire; I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart; I MUST GO TO JESUS。 At this my former darkness and atheism fled away; and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view。 While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise; Wife (said I); is there ever such a scripture; I MUST GO TO JESUS? She said; she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still; to see if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes; but that came bolting in upon me; AND TO AN INNUMERABLE COMPANY OF ANGELS; and withal; Hebrews twelfth; about the mount SION; was set before mine eyes。 Heb。 xii。 22…24。
263。 Then with joy I told my wife; O! NOW I KNOW; I KNOW! But that night was a good night to me; I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God's people; that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me。 Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy; and peace; and triumph; through Christ。 This great glory did not continue upon me until morning; yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews; Heb。 xii。 22; 23; was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this。
264。 The words are these: YE ARE COME TO MOUNT SION; AND UNTO THE CITY OF THE LIVING GOD; THE HEAVENLY JERUSALEM; AND TO AN INNUMERABLE COMPANY OF ANGELS; TO THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY AND CHURCH OF THE FIRST…BORN; WHICH ARE WRITTEN IN HEAVEN; AND TO GOD THE JUDGE OF ALL; AND TO THE SPIRITS OF JUST MEN MADE PERFECT; AND TO JESUS THE MEDIATOR OF THE NEW COVENANT; AND TO THE BLOOD OF SPRINKLING; THAT SPEAKETH BETTER THINGS THAN THAT OF ABEL。 Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over; first to this word; and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them。 These words also have oft since that time; been great refreshment to my spirit。 Blessed be God for having mercy on me。
A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S CALL TO THE WORK OF THE MINISTRY
265。 And now I am speaking my experience; I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word; and of God's dealing with me in that particular also。 For after I had been about five or six years awakened; and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord; and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us; I say; the most able for judgment and holiness of life; as they conceived; did perceive that God had counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word; and had given me utterance in some measure; to express what I saw to others; for edification; therefore they desired me; and that with much earnestness; that I would be willing; at sometimes to take in hand; in one of the meetings; to speak a word of exhortation unto them。
266。 The which; though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit; yet being still by them desired and entreated; I consented to their request; and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private); tho