第 19 节
作者:
童舟 更新:2021-02-20 15:23 字数:9322
s come; her pangs; as of a woman in travail; were fierce and strong upon her; even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour; and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was; that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore; as my wife lay crying by me; I said; but with all secrecy imaginable; even thinking in my heart; LORD; IF THOU WILT NOW REMOVE THIS SAD AFFLICTION FROM MY WIFE; AND CAUSE THAT SHE BE TROUBLED NO MORE THEREWITH THIS NIGHT (and now were her pangs just upon her); THEN I SHALL KNOW THAT THOU CANST DISCERN THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART。
241。 I had no sooner said it in my heart; but her pangs were taken from her; and she was cast into a deep sleep; and so continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled; not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while; and heard her cry no more; I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning; it came upon me again; even what I had said in my heart the last night; and how the Lord had showed me; that He knew my secret thoughts; which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after。
242。 Well; about a year and a half afterwards; that wicked sinful thought; of which I have spoken before; went through my wicked heart; even this thought; LET CHRIST GO; IF HE WILL: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this; the remembrance of my other thought; and of the effect thereof; would also come upon me with this retort; which also carried rebuke along with it; NOW YOU MAY SEE THAT GOD DOTH KNOW THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART。
243。 And with this; that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord; and His servant GIDEON; fell upon my spirit; how because that GIDEON tempted God with his fleece; both wet and dry; when he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him; as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies; and that too; as to outward appearance; without any strength or help。 Judges vi。 7。 Thus He served me; and that justly; for I should have believed His word; and not have put an IF upon the all…seeingness of God。
244。 And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation: and first; by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God; and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before; my soul was perplexed with unbelief; blasphemy; hardness of heart; questions about the being of God; Christ; the truth of the word; and certainty of the world to come: I say; then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism; but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually before my face; though not in a way of comfort; but in a way of exceeding dread and terror。 The glory of the holiness of God; did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ; the remembrance of which; was as the continual breaking of my bones。
245。 The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; THOSE that the scriptures favour; THEY must inherit bliss; but THOSE that they oppose and condemn; MUST perish for evermore: Oh! this word; FOR THE SCRIPTURES CANNOT BE BROKEN; would rend the caul of my heart: and so would that other; WHOSE SINS YE REMIT; THEY ARE REMITTED; BUT WHOSE SINS YE RETAIN; THEY ARE RETAINED。 Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge。 Joshua xx。 4。 Those that they were to receive in; were received to life; but those that they shut out; were to be slain by the avenger of blood。
246。 Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind; I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I thought they every one did) more; I say; than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me。 Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!
247。 By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God; continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart; and watchful eye; with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf; and with much diligence; mixed with trembling; to consider every sentence; together with its natural force and latitude。
248。 By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind; for now; though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise; as I had done at other times; yet; like to a man sinking; I would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise; unless I felt its comfort; but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me。
249。 Now therefore I was glad to catch at THAT word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me。 Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down; without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: AND HIM THAT COMETH TO ME; I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT。 John vi。 37。 Now I began to consider with myself; that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with; than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also with myself; that He spake not His words in haste; or in an unadvised heat; but with infinite wisdom and judgment; and in very truth and faithfulness。 2 Sam。 iii。 28。
250。 I should in these days; often in my greatest agonies; even flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground; that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay; and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it。 Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan; for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now; as at other times; look principally for comfort (though; O how welcome would it have been unto me!)。 But now a word; a word to lean a weary soul upon; that it might not sink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for。
251。 Yea; often when I have been making to the promise; I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run upon the pikes; and as if the Lord had thrust at me; to keep me from Him; as with a flaming sword。 Then I should think of ESTHER; who went to petition the king contrary to the law。 Esther iv。 16。 I thought also of Benhadad's servants; who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy。 1 Kings xx。 31; etc。 The woman of Canaan also; that would not be daunted; though called dog by Christ; Matt。 xv。; 22; etc。; and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight; Luke xi。 5…8; etc。; were great encouragements unto me。
252。 I never saw those heights and depths in grace; and love; and mercy; as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce; there the mercy of God in Christ; when showed to the soul; appears most high and mighty。 When JOB had passed through his captivity; HE HAD TWICE AS MUCH AS HE HAD BEFORE。 Job xlii。 10。 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord。 Many other things I might here make observation of; but I would be brief; and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend; lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did。
I had two or three times; at or about my deliverance from this temptation; such strange apprehensions of the grace of God; that I could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing; when I thought it could reach me; that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me; it would have made me incapable for business。
253。 Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons; and of the temptations I then did meet withal。 I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in BEDFORD。 After I had propounded to the church; that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them; and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ; which was His last supper with His disciples before His death; that scripture; DO THIS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME; Luke xxii。 19; was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then felt; did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same。 But behold; I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance; but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein; both to blaspheme the ordinance; and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be gu