第 6 节
作者:
童舟 更新:2021-02-20 15:23 字数:9322
converted already; they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late; for these had got the blessing before I came。
67。 Now I was in great distress; thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down; bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long; and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out; Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself; to think that I should have no more wit; but to trifle away my time; till my soul and heaven were lost。
68。 But when I had been long vexed with this fear; and was scarce able to take one step more; just about the same place where I received my other encouragement; these words broke in upon my mind; COMPEL THEM TO COME IN; THAT MY HOUSE MAY BE FILLED; AND YET THERE IS ROOM。 Luke xiv。 22; 23。 These words; but especially those; AND YET THERE IS ROOM; were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover; that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words; He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come; that I should be afflicted with fear; that there was no place left for me in His bosom; did before speak this word; and leave it upon record; that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation。 This I then verily believed。
69。 In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more; when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago; and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily; that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal。
70。 But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say; both from Satan; mine own heart; and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death; and of the day of judgment; which abode; as it were; continually in my view: I would often also think on NEBUCHADNEZZAR; of whom it is said; HE HAD GIVEN HIM ALL THE KINGDOMS OF THE EARTH。 Dan。 v。 18; 19。 Yet; thought I; if this great man had all his portion in this world; one hour in hell…fire would make him forget all。 Which consideration was a great help to me。
71。 I was also made; about this time; to see something concerning the beasts that MOSES counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the CLEAN; types of them that were the people of God; but the UNCLEAN; types of such as were the children of the wicked one。 Now I read; that the clean beasts CHEWED THE CUD; that is; thought I; they show us; we must feed upon the word of God: they also PARTED THE HOOF。 I thought that signified; we must part; if we would be saved; with the ways of ungodly men。 And also; in further reading about them; I found; that though we did chew the cud; as the HARE; yet if we walked with claws; like a dog; or if we did part the hoof; like the SWINE; yet if we did not chew the cud; as the sheep; we were still; for all that; but unclean: for I thought the HARE to be a type of those that talk of the word; yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the SWINE was like him that parted with his outward pollutions; but still wanteth the word of faith; without which there could be no way of salvation; let a man be never so devout。 Deut。 xiv。 After this; I found by reading the word; that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world MUST BE CALLED BY HIM HERE; called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness; and to the comforts and first… fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things; which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest; and house of glory; which is in heaven above。
72。 Here again I was at a very I great stand; not knowing what to do; fearing I was not called; for; thought I; if I be not called; what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven。 But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a CHRISTIAN'S CALLING! as when the Lord said to one; FOLLOW ME; and to another; COME AFTER ME: and oh; thought I; that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run after Him!
73。 I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul; I cried to Christ to call me。 Thus I continued for a time; all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day; such glory in a converted state; that I could not be contented without a share therein。 Gold! could it have been gotten for gold; what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world; it had all gone ten thousand times over for this; that my soul might have been in a converted state。
74。 How lovely now was every one in my eyes; that I thought to be converted men and women。 They shone; they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them。 Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places; and they had a goodly heritage。 Psalm xvi。 But that which made me sick; was that of Christ; in St Mark; HE GOETH UP INTO A MOUNTAIN; AND CALLETH UNTO HIM WHOM HE WOULD; AND THEY CAME UNTO HIM。 Mark iii。 13。
75。 This scripture made me faint and fear; yet it kindled fire in my soul。 That which made me fear; was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me; for He called WHOM HE WOULD。 But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition; did still so engage my heart; that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call; but I presently wished; WOULD I HAD BEEN IN THEIR CLOTHES; WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN PETER; WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN JOHN; OR; WOULD I HAD BEEN BY AND HAD HEARD HIM WHEN HE CALLED THEM; HOW WOULD I HAVE CRIED; O LORD; CALL ME ALSO! BUT; OH! I FEARED HE WOULD NOT CALL ME。
76。 And truly; the Lord let me go thus many months together; and shewed me nothing; either that I was already; or should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent; and many groans to God; that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: I WILL CLEANSE THEIR BLOOD; THAT I HAVE NOT CLEANSED; FOR THE LORD DWELLETH IN ZION。 Joel iii。 21。 These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me; that if I were not already; yet time might come; I might be in truth converted unto Christ。
77。 About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in BEDFORD; and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard; they told Mr Gifford of me; who himself also took occasion to talk with me; and was willing to be well persuaded of me; though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house; where I should hear him confer with others; about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction; and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me; and also to work at that rate as it never did before。 Now I evidently found; that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me; in wicked thoughts and desires; which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also; that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God; now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea; my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless; both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back; both to; and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird; to hinder me from flying。
78。 Nay; thought I; now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before。 Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul; and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart; as laid me as low as hell。 If now I should have burned at the stake; I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him; nor see Him; nor feel Him; nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest; my heart would be unclean; and the CANAANITES would dwell in the land。
79。 Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which; when they heard; they would pity me; and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me; that I must reach the sun with my finger; as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it。 All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin; and that lay under a law that would condemn。
80。 These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ; WHO; WHILE HE WAS YET COMING TO HIM; WAS THROWN DOWN BY THE DEVIL; AND ALSO SO RENT AND TORN BY HIM; THAT HE LAY DOWN AND WALLOWED; FOAMING。 Luke ix。 42; Mark ix。 20。
81。 Further; in these days; I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord; and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to set; as it were; the shoulder to the door; to keep Him out; and that too even then; w