unbelief　to　set；　as　it　were；　the　shoulder　to　the　door；　to　keep　Him　　out；　and　that　too　even　then；　when　I　have　with　many　a　bitter　sigh；　　cried；　Good　Lord；　break　it　open：　　LORD；　BREAK　THESE　GATES　OF　BRASS；　　AND　CUT　THESE　BARS　OF　IRON　ASUNDER。　　Psalm　cvii。　16。　　Yet　that　word　　would　sometimes　create　in　my　heart　a　peaceable　pause；　I　GIRDED　　THEE；　THOUGH　THOU　HAST　NOT　KNOWN　ME。　　Isaiah　xlv。　5。
  82。　　But　all　this　while；　as　to　the　act　of　sinning；　I　was　never　more　　tender　than　now：　　my　hinder　parts　were　inward：　　I　durst　not　take　a　　pin　or　stick；　though　but　so　big　as　a　straw；　for　my　conscience　now　　was　sore；　and　would　smart　at　every　touch：　　I　could　not　now　tell　how　　to　speak　my　words；　for　fear　I　should　misplace　them。　　Oh；　how　　gingerly　did　I　then　go；　in　all　I　did　or　said！　　I　found　myself　as　on　　a　miry　bog；　that　shook　if　I　did　but　stir；　and　was；　as　there；　left　　both　of　God　and　Christ；　and　the　Spirit；　and　all　good　things。
  83。　　But　I　observed；　though　I　was　such　a　great　sinner　before　　conversion；　yet　God　never　much　charged　the　guilt　of　the　sins　of　my　　ignorance　upon　me；　only　He　showed　me；　I　was　lost　if　I　had　not　　Christ；　because　I　had　been　a　sinner：　　I　saw　that　I　wanted　a　perfect　　righteousness　to　present　me　without　fault　before　God；　and　this　　righteousness　was　no　where　to　be　found；　but　in　the　Person　of　Jesus　　Christ。
  84。　　But　my　original　and　inward　pollution；　That；　that　was　my　plague　　and　affliction；　that　I　saw　at　a　dreadful　rate；　always　putting　forth　　itself　within　me；　that　I　had　the　guilt　of；　to　amazement；　by　reason　　of　that；　I　was　more　loathsome　in　mine　own　eyes　than　was　a　toad；　and　　I　thought　I　was　so　in　God's　eyes　too：　　Sin　and　corruption；　I　said；　　would　as　naturally　bubble　out　of　my　heart；　as　water　would　bubble　　out　of　a　fountain：　　I　thought　now；　that　every　one　had　a　better　　heart　than　I　had；　I　could　have　changed　heart　with　any　body；　I　　thought　none　but　the　devil　himself　could　equalise　me　for　inward　　wickedness　and　pollution　of　mind。　　I　fell　therefore　at　the　sight　of　　my　own　vileness　deeply　into　despair；　for　I　concluded；　that　this　　condition　that　I　was　in；　could　not　stand　with　a　state　of　grace。　　　Sure；　thought　I；　I　am　forsaken　of　God；　sure；　I　am　given　up　to　the　　devil；　and　to　a　reprobate　mind：　　and　thus　I　continued　a　long　while；　　even　for　some　years　together。
  85。　　While　I　was　thus　afflicted　with　the　fears　of　my　own　damnation；　　there　were　two　things　would　make　me　wonder；　the　one　was；　when　I　saw　　old　people　hunting　after　the　things　of　this　life；　as　if　they　should　　live　here　always：　　the　other　was；　when　I　found　professors　much　　distressed　and　cast　down；　when　they　met　with　outward　losses；　as　of　　husband；　wife；　child；　etc。　　Lord；　thought　I；　what　a…do　is　here　　about　such　little　things　as　these！　　What　seeking　after　carnal　　things；　by　some；　and　what　grief　in　others　for　the　loss　of　them！　if　　they　so　much　labour　after；　and　shed　so　many　tears　for　the　things　of　　this　present　life；　how　am　I　to　be　bemoaned；　pitied；　and　prayed　for！　　　My　soul　is　dying；　my　soul　is　damning。　　Were　my　soul　but　in　a　good　　condition；　and　were　I　but　sure　of　it；　ah！　how　rich　should　I　esteem　　myself；　though　blessed　but　with　bread　and　water！　　I　should　count　　those　but　small　afflictions；　and　should　bear　them　as　little　　burthens。　　A　WOUNDED　SPIRIT　WHO　CAN　BEAR！
  86。　And　though　I　was　much　troubled；　and　tossed；　and　afflicted；　with　　the　sight　and　sense　and　terror　of　my　own　wickedness；　yet　I　was　　afraid　to　let　this　sight　and　sense　go　quite　off　my　mind：　　that　　unless　guilt　of　conscience　was　taken　off　the　right　way；　that　is；　by　　the　blood　of　Christ　a　man　grew　rather　worse　for　the　loss　of　his　　trouble　of　mind；　than　better。　　Wherefore；　if　my　guilt　lay　hard　upon　　me；　then　I　should　cry　that　the　blood　of　Christ　might　take　it　off：　　　and　if　it　was　going　off　without　it　（for　the　sense　of　sin　would　be　　sometimes　as　if　it　would　die；　and　go　quite　away）；　then　I　would　also　　strive　to　fetch　it　upon　my　heart　again；　by　bringing　the　punishment　　of　sin　in　hell　fire　upon　my　spirit；　and　should　cry；　LORD；　LET　IT　　NOT　GO　OFF　MY　HEART；　BUT　THE　RIGHT　WAY；　BY　THE　BLOOD　OF　CHRIST；　AND　　THE　APPLICATION　OF　THY　MERCY；　THROUGH　HIM；　TO　MY　SOUL；　for　that　　scripture　lay　much　upon　me；　WITHOUT　SHEDDING　OF　BLOOD　IS　NO　　REMISSION。　　Heb。　ix。　22。　　And　that　which　made　me　the　more　afraid　of　　this；　was；　because　I　had　seen　some；　who　though　when　they　were　under　　wounds　of　conscience；　would　cry　and　pray；　yet　seeking　rather　　present　ease　from　their　trouble；　than　pardon　for　their　sin；　cared　　not　how　they　lost　their　guilt；　so　they　got　it　out　of　their　mind：　　　now；　having　got　it　off　the　wrong　way；　it　was　not　sanctified　unto　　them；　but　they　grew　harder　and　blinder；　and　more　wicked　after　their　　trouble。　　This　made　me　afraid；　and　made　me　cry　to　God　the　more；　　that　it　might　not　be　so　with　me。
  87。　　And　now　I　was　sorry　that　God　had　made　me　man；　for　I　feared　I　　was　a　reprobate；　I　counted　man　as　unconverted；　the　most　doleful　of　　all　the　creatures。　　Thus　being　afflicted　and　tossed　about　my　sad　　condition；　I　counted　myself　alone；　and　above　the　most　of　men　　unblessed。
  88。　　Yea；　I　thought　it　impossible　that　ever　I　should　attain　to　so　　much　goodness　of　heart；　as　to　thank　God　that　He　had　made　me　a　man。　　　Man　indeed　is　the　most　noble　by　creation；　of　all　creatures　in　the　　visible　world；　but　by　sin　he　has　made　himself　the　most　ignoble。　　　The　beasts；　birds；　fishes；　etc。　　I　blessed　their　condition；　for　　they　had　not　a　sinful　nature；　they　were　not　obnoxious　to　the　wrath　　of　God；　they　were　not　to　go　to　hell…fire　after　death；　I　could　　therefore　have　rejoiced；　had　my　condition　been　as　any　of　theirs。
  89。　　In　this　condition　I　went　a　great　while；　but　when　comforting　　time　was　come；　I　heard　one　preach　a　sermon　on　these　words　in　the　　song；　Song　iv。　1；　BEHOLD；　THOU　ART　FAIR；　MY　LOVE；　BEHOLD；　THOU　ART　　FAIR。　　But　at　that　time　he　made　these　two　words；　MY　LOVE；　his　chief　　and　subject　matter：　　from　which；　after　he　had　a　little　opened　the　　text；　he　observed　these　several　conclusions：　　1。　THAT　THE　CHURCH；　　AND　SO　EVERY　SAVED　SOUL；　IS　CHRIST'S　LOVE；　WHEN　LOVELESS。　　2。　　CHRIST'S　LOVE　WITHOUT　A　CAUSE。　　3。　CHRIST'S　LOVE；　WHEN　HATED　OF　THE　　WORLD。　　4。　CHRIST'S　LOVE；　WHEN　UNDER　TEMPTATION　AND　UNDER　　DESTRUCTION。　　5。　CHRIST'S　LOVE；　FROM　FIRST　TO　LAST。
  90。　　But　I　got　nothing　by　what　he　said　at　present；　only　when　he　　came　to　the　application　of　the　fourth　particular；　this　was　the　word　　he　said；　IF　IT　BE　SO；　THAT　THE　SAVED　SOUL　IS　CHRIST'S　LOVE；　WHEN　　UNDER　TEMPTATION　AND　DESERTION；　THEN　POOR　TEMPTED　SOUL；　WHEN　THOU　　ART　ASSAULTED；　AND　AFFLICTED　WITH　TEMPTATIONS；　AND　THE　HIDINGS　OF　　GOD'S　FACE；　YET　THINK　ON　THESE　TWO　WORDS；　'My　love；'　　STILL。
  91。　　So　as　I　was　going　home；　these　words　came　again　into　my　　thoughts；　and　I　well　remember；　as　they　came　in；　I　said　thus　in　my　　heart；　WHAT　SHALL　I　GET　BY　THINKING　ON　THESE　TWO　WORDS？　　This　　thought　had　no　sooner　passed　through　my　heart；　but　these　words　　began　thus　to　kindle　in　my　spirit；　THOU　ART　MY　LOVE；　THOU　ART　MY　　DOVE；　twenty　times　together；　and　still　as　they　ran　in　my　mind；　they　　waxed　stronger　and　warmer；　and　began　to　make　me　look　up；　but　being　　as　yet；　between　hope　and　fear；　I　still　replied　in　my　heart；　BUT　IS　　IT　TRUE；　BUT　IS　IT　TRUE？　　At　which　that　sentence　fell　upon　me；　HE　　WIST　NOT　THAT　IT　WAS　TRUE；　WHICH　WAS　DONE　BY　THE　ANGEL。　　Acts　xii。　　9。
  92。　　Then　I　began　to　give　place　to　the　word　which　with　power；　did　　over　and　over　make　this　joyful　sound　within　my　soul；　'THOU　ART　MY　　LOVE；　THOU　ART　MY　LOVE；　AND　NOTHING　SHALL　SEPARATE　THEE　FROM　MY　　LOVE。　　And　with　that　my　heart　was　filled　full　of　comfort　and　hope；　　and　now　I　could　believe　that　my　sins　should　be　forgiven　me；　yea；　I　　was　now　so　taken　with　the　love　and　mercy　of　God；　that　I　remember　I　　could　not　tell　how　to　contain　till　I　got　home：　　I　thought　I　could　　have　spoken　of　His　love；　and　have　told　of　His　mercy　to　me；　even　to　　the　very　crows；　that　sat　upon　the　ploughed　lands　before　me；　had　　they　been　capable　to　have　understood　me：　　wherefore　I　said　in　my　　soul；　with　much　gladness；　WELL；　I　WOULD　I　HAD　A　PEN　AND　INK　HERE；　I　　WOULD　WRITE　THIS　DOWN　BEFORE　I　GO　ANY　FARTHER；　FOR　SURELY　I　WILL　　NOT　FORGET　THIS　FORTY　YEARS　HENCE。　　But；　alas！　within　less　than　　forty　days　I　began　to　question　all　again；　which　made　me　begin　to　　question　all　still。
  93。　　Yet　still　at　times　I　was　helped　to　believe；　that　it　was　a　true　　manifestation　of　grace　unto　my　soul；　though　I　had　lost　much　of　the　　life　and　favour　of　it。　　Now　about　a　week　or　a　fortnight　after　this　　I　was　much　followed　by　this　scripture；　SIMON；　SIMON；　BEHOLD；　SATAN　　HATH　DESIRED　TO　HAVE　YOU；　Luke　xxii。　31；　and　sometimes　it　would　　sound　so　loud　within　me；　yea；　and　as　it　was；　call　so　strongly　after　　me；　that　once；　above　all　the　rest；　I　turned　my　head　over　my　　shoulder；　thinking　verily　that　some　man　had　behind　me；　called　me；　　being　at　a　great　distance；　methought　he　called　so　loud：　　it　came；　　as　I　have　thought　since；　to　have　stirred　me　up　to　prayer；　and　to　　watchfulness：　　it　came　to　acquaint　me；　that　a　cloud　and　a　storm　was　　coming　down　upon　me：　　but　I　understood　it　not。
  94。　　Also；　as　I　remember；　that　time　that　it　called　to　me　so　loud；　　was　the　last　time　that　it　sounded　in　mine　ears；　but　me　thinks　I　　hear　still　with　what　a　loud　voice　these　words；　SIMON；　SIMON；　　sounded　in　mine　ears。　　I　thought　verily；　as　I　have　told　you；　that