第 82 节
作者:寻找山吹      更新:2021-02-27 02:13      字数:9322
  was another fellow who spoke I forgot to mentionthat queer Dick who was
  in your class; Krebs; got the school board evidence; looked as if he'd
  come in by freight。  He wasn't as popular as the rest; but he's got more
  sense than all of them put together。〃
  〃Why wasn't he popular?〃
  〃Well; he didn't crack up the American people;said they deserved all
  they got; that they'd have to learn to think straight and be straight
  before they could expect a square deal。  The truth was; they secretly
  envied these rich men who were exploiting their city; and just as long as
  they envied them they hadn't any right to complain of them。  He was going
  into this campaign to tell the truth; but to tell all sides of it; and if
  they wanted reform; they'd have to reform themselves first。  I admired
  his nerve; I must say。〃
  〃He always had that;〃 I remarked。  〃How did they take it?〃
  〃Well; they didn't like it much; but I think most of them had a respect
  for him。  I know I did。  He has a whole lot of assurance; an air of
  knowing what he's talking about; and apparently he doesn't give a
  continental whether he's popular or not。  Besides; Greenhalge had cracked
  him up to the skies for the work he'd done for the school board。〃
  〃You talk as if he'd converted you;〃 I said。
  Ralph laughed as he rose and stretched himself。
  〃Oh; I'm only the intelligent spectator; you ought to know that by this
  time; Hughie。  But I thought it might interest you; since you'll have to
  go on the stump and refute it all。  That'll be a nice job。  So long。〃
  And he departed。  Of course I knew that he had been baiting me; his scent
  for the weaknesses of his friends being absolutely fiendish。  I was angry
  because he had succeeded;because he knew he had succeeded。  All the
  morning uneasiness possessed me; and I found it difficult to concentrate
  on the affairs I had in hand。  I felt premonitions; which I tried in vain
  to suppress; that the tide of the philosophy of power and might were
  starting to ebb: I scented vague calamities ahead; calamities I
  associated with Krebs; and when I went out to the Club for lunch this
  sense of uneasiness; instead of being dissipated; was increased。
  Dickinson was there; and Scherer; who had just got back from Europe; the
  talk fell on the Citizens Union; which Scherer belittled with an air of
  consequence and pompousness that struck me disagreeably; and with an eye
  newly critical I detected in him a certain disintegration; deterioration。
  Having dismissed the reformers; he began to tell of his experiences
  abroad; referring in one way or another to the people of consequence who
  had entertained him。
  〃Hugh;〃 said Leonard Dickinson to me as we walked to the bank together;
  〃Scherer will never be any good any more。  Too much prosperity。  And he's
  begun to have his nails manicured。〃
  After I had left the bank president an uncanny fancy struck me that in
  Adolf Scherer I had before me a concrete example of the effect of my
  philosophy on the individual。。。。
  Nothing seemed to go right that spring; and yet nothing was absolutely
  wrong。  At times I became irritated; bewildered; out of tune; and unable
  to understand why。  The weather itself was uneasy; tepid; with long
  spells of hot wind and dust。  I no longer seemed to find refuge in my
  work。  I was unhappy at home。  After walking for many years in confidence
  and security along what appeared to be a certain path; I had suddenly
  come out into a vague country in which it was becoming more and more
  difficult to recognize landmarks。  I did not like to confess this; and
  yet I heard within me occasional whispers。  Could it be that I; Hugh
  Paret; who had always been so positive; had made a mess of my life?
  There were moments when the pattern of it appeared to have fallen apart;
  resolved itself into pieces that refused to fit into each other。
  Of course my relationship with Nancy had something to do with this。。。。
  One evening late in the spring; after dinner; Maude came into the
  library。
  〃Are you busy; Hugh?〃 she asked。
  I put down my newspapers。
  〃Because;〃 she went on; as she took a chair near the table where I was
  writing; 〃I wanted to tell you that I have decided to go to Europe; and
  take the children。〃
  〃To Europe!〃 I exclaimed。  The significance of the announcement failed at
  once to register in my brain; but I was aware of a shock。
  〃Yes。〃
  〃When?〃 I asked。
  〃Right away。  The end of this month。〃
  〃For the summer?〃
  〃I haven't decided how long I shall stay。〃
  I stared at her in bewilderment。  In contrast to the agitation I felt
  rising within me; she was extraordinarily calm; unbelievably so。
  〃But where do you intend to go in Europe?〃
  〃I shall go to London for a month or so; and after that to some quiet
  place in France; probably at the sea; where the children can learn French
  and German。  After that; I have no plans。〃
  〃Butyou talk as if you might stay indefinitely。〃
  〃I haven't decided;〃 she repeated。
  〃But whywhy are you doing this?〃
  I would have recalled the words as soon as I had spoken them。  There was
  the slightest unsteadiness in her voice as she replied:
  〃Is it necessary to go into that; Hugh?  Wouldn't it be useless as well
  as a little painful?  Surely; going to Europe without one's husband is
  not an unusual thing in these days。  Let it just be understood that I
  want to go; that the children have arrived at an age when it will do them
  good。〃
  I got up and began to walk up and down the room; while she watched me
  with a silent calm which was incomprehensible。  In vain I summoned my
  faculties to meet it。
  I had not thought her capable of such initiative。
  〃I can't see why you want to leave me;〃 I said at last; though with a
  full sense of the inadequacy of the remark; and a suspicion of its
  hypocrisy。
  〃That isn't quite true;〃 she answered。  〃In the first place; you don't
  need me。  I am not of the slightest use in your life; I haven't been a
  factor in it for years。  You ought never to have married me;it was all
  a terrible mistake。  I began to realize that after we had been married a
  few monthseven when we were on our wedding trip。  But I was too
  inexperiencedperhaps too weak to acknowledge it to myself。  In the last
  few years I have come to see it plainly。  I should have been a fool if I
  hadn't。  I am not your wife in any real sense of the word; I cannot hold
  you; I cannot even interest you。  It's a situation that no woman with
  self…respect can endure。〃
  〃Aren't those rather modern sentiments; for you; Maude?〃  I said。
  She flushed a little; but otherwise retained her remarkable composure。
  〃I don't care whether they are 'modern' or not; I only know that my
  position has become impossible。〃
  I walked to the other end of the room; and stood facing the carefully
  drawn curtains of the windows; fantastically; they seemed to represent
  the impasse to which my mind had come。  Did she intend; ultimately; to
  get a divorce?  I dared not ask her。  The word rang horribly in my ears;
  though unpronounced; and I knew then that I lacked her courage; and the
  knowledge was part of my agony。
  I turned。
  〃Don't you think you've overdrawn things; Maude exaggerated them?  No
  marriages are perfect。  You've let your mind dwell until it has become
  inflamed on matters which really don't amount to much。〃
  〃I was never saner; Hugh;〃 she replied instantly。  And indeed I was
  forced to confess that she looked it。  That new Maude I had seen emerging
  of late years seemed now to have found herself; she was no longer the
  woman I had married;yielding; willing to overlook; anxious to please;
  living in me。
  〃I don't influence you; or help you in any way。  I never have。〃
  〃Oh; that's not true;〃 I protested。
  But she cut me short; going on inexorably:
  〃I am merely your housekeeper; and rather a poor one at that; from your
  point of view。  You ignore me。  I am not blaming you for ityou are made
  that way。  It's true that you have always supported me in luxury; that
  might have been enough for another woman。  It isn't enough for meI;
  too; have a life to live; a soul to be responsible for。  It's not for my
  sake so much as for the children's that I don't want it to be crushed。〃
  〃Crushed!〃 I repeated。
  〃Yes。  You are stifling it。  I say again that I'm not blaming you; Hugh。
  You are made differently from me。  All you care for; really; is your
  career。  You may think that you care; at times; forother things; but it
  isn't so。〃
  I took; involuntarily; a deep breath。  Would she mention Nancy?  Was it
  in reality Nancy who had brought about this crisis?  And did Maude
  suspect the closeness of that relationship?
  Suddenly I found myself begging her not to go; the more astonishing
  since; if at any time during the past winter this solution had presented
  itself to me as a possibility; I should eagerly have welcomed it!  But
  should I ever have had the courage to propose a separation?  I even
  wished to delude myself now into believing that what she suggested was in
  reality not a separation。  I preferred to think of it as a trip。。。。  A
  vision of freedom thrilled me; and yet I was wracked and torn。  I had an
  idea that she was suffering; that the ordeal was a terrible one for her;
  and at that mo