第 31 节
作者:
披荆斩棘 更新:2021-02-24 23:23 字数:9321
being alone with him in that little camp in that silent plain〃she
shuddered〃made things worse。 My nerves went all to pieces。 Everything
he said; his voice; his accent; his walk; the way he ate; irritated me so that
I longed to rush out sometimes and shriekand go /mad/。 Does it sound
ridiculous to you to be driven mad by such trifles? I only know I used to
get up from the table sometimes and walk up and down outside; with both
hands over my mouth to keep myself quiet。 And all the time I /hated/
myselfhow I hated myself! I never had a word from him that wasn't
gentle and tender。 I believe he loved the ground I walked on。 Oh; it is
/awful/ to be loved like that when you〃 She drew in her breath with a sob。
〃IIit made me sick for him to come near meto touch me。〃 She stopped
a moment。
Broomhurst gently laid his hand on her quivering one。 〃Poor little
girl!〃 he murmured。
〃Then /you/ came;〃 she said; 〃and before long I had another feeling to
fight against。 At first I thought it couldn't be true that I loved you it
would die down。 I think I was /frightened/ at the feeling; I didn't know it
hurt so to love any one。〃
Broomhurst stirred a little。 〃Go on;〃 he said; tersely。
〃But it didn't die;〃 she continued; in a trembling whisper; 〃and the
other /awful/ feeling grew stronger and strongerhatred; no; that is not the
word/loathing/ forforJohn。 I fought against it。 Yes;〃 she cried;
feverishly; clasping and unclasping her hands; 〃Heaven knows I fought it
with all my strength; and reasoned with myself; and oh; I did
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/everything/; but〃 Her quick…falling tears made speech difficult。
〃Kathleen!〃 Broomhurst urged; desperately; 〃you couldn't help it; you
poor child。 You say yourself you struggled against your feelings。 You were
always gentle; perhaps he didn't know。〃
〃But he didhe /did/;〃 she wailed; 〃it is just that。 I hurt him a hundred
times a day; he never said so; but I knew it; and yet I /couldn't/ be kind to
him;except in words;and he understood。 And after you came it was
worse in one way; for he knewI /felt/ he knew that I loved you。 His
eyes used to follow me like a dog's; and I was stabbed with remorse; and I
tried to be good to him; but I couldn't。〃
〃Buthe didn't suspecthe trusted you;〃 began Broomhurst。 〃He had
every reason。 No woman was ever so loyal; so〃
〃Hush!〃 she almost screamed。 〃Loyal! it was the least I could doto
stop you; I meanwhen youAfter all; I knew it without your telling me。 I
had deliberately married him without loving him。 It was my own fault。 I
felt it。 Even if I couldn't prevent his knowing that I hated him; I could
prevent /that/。 It was my punishment。 I deserved it for /daring/ to marry
without love。 But I didn't spare John one pang after all;〃 she added;
bitterly。 〃He knew what I felt toward him; I don't think he cared about
anything else。 You say I mustn't reproach myself? When I went back to the
tent that morningwhen youwhen I stopped you from saying you loved
me; he was sitting at the table with his head buried in his hands; he was
cryingbitterly。 I saw him;it is terrible to see a man cry;and I stole
away gently; but he saw me。 I was torn to pieces; but I /couldn't/ go to him。
I knew he would kiss me; and I shuddered to think of it。 It seemed more
than ever not to be borne that he should do thatwhen I knew /you/ loved
me。〃
〃Kathleen;〃 cried her lover; again; 〃don't dwell on it all so terribly
don't〃
〃How can I forget?〃 she answered; despairingly。 〃And then;〃she
lowered her voice;〃oh; I can't tell youall the time; at the back of my
mind somewhere; there was a burning wish that he might /die/。 I used to
lie awake at night; and; do what I would to stifle it; that thought used to
/scorch/ me; I wished it so intensely。 Do you believe that by willing one
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can bring such things to pass?〃 she asked; looking at Broomhurst with
feverishly bright eyes。 〃No? Well; I don't know。 I tried to smother it;I
/really/ tried;but it was there; whatever other thoughts I heaped on the
top。 Then; when I heard the horse galloping across the plain that morning;
I had a sick fear that it was /you/。 I knew something had happened; and my
first thought when I saw you alive and well; and knew it was /John/; was
/that it was too good to be true/。 I believe I laughed like a maniac; didn't
I? 。 。 。 Not to blame? Why; if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have died。
The men say they saw him sitting with his head uncovered in the burning
sun; his face buried in his handsjust as I had seen him the day before。 He
didn't trouble to be careful; he was too wretched。〃
She paused; and Broomhurst rose and began to pace the little hillside
path at the edge of which they were seated。
Presently he came back to her。
〃Kathleen; let me take care of you;〃 he implored; stooping toward her。
〃We have only ourselves to consider in this matter。 Will you come to me at
once?〃
She shook her head sadly。
Broomhurst set his teeth; and the lines round his mouth deepened。 He
threw himself down beside her on the heather。
〃Dear;〃 he urged; still gently; though his voice showed he was
controlling himself with an effort; 〃you are morbid about this。 You have
been alone too much; you are ill。 Let me take care of you; I /can/;
Kathleen;and I love you。 Nothing but morbid fancy makes you imagine
you are in any way responsible forDrayton's death。 You can't bring him
back to life; and〃
〃No;〃 she sighed; drearily; 〃and if I could; nothing would be altered。
Though I am mad with self…reproach; I feel /that/it was all so inevitable。
If he were alive and well before me this instant; my feeling toward him
wouldn't have changed。 If he spoke to me he would say 'my dear'and I
should /loathe/ him。 Oh; I know! It is /that/ that makes it so awful。〃
〃But if you acknowledge it;〃 Broomhurst struck in; eagerly; 〃will you
wreck both of our lives for the sake of vain regrets? Kathleen; you never
will。〃
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He waited breathlessly for her answer。
〃I won't wreck both our lives by marrying again without love on my
side;〃 she replied; firmly。
〃I will take the risk;〃 he said。 〃You /have/ loved me; you will love me
again。 You are crushed and dazed now with brooding over thisthis
trouble; but〃
〃But I will not allow you to take the risk;〃 Kathleen answered。 〃What
sort of woman should I be to be willing again to live with a man I don't
love? I have come to know that there are things one owes to /one's self/。
Self…respect is one of them。 I don't know how it has come to be so; but all
my old feeling for you has /gone/。 It is as though it had burned itself out。 I
will not offer gray ashes to any man。〃
Broomhurst; looking up at her pale; set face; knew that her words were
final; and turned his own aside with a groan。
〃Ah;〃 cried Kathleen; with a little break in her voice; 〃/don't!/ Go away;
and be happy and strong; and all that I loved in you。 I am so sorryso
sorry to hurt you。 I〃 her voice faltered miserably; 〃II only bring trouble
to people。〃
There was a long pause。
〃Did you never think that there is a terrible vein of irony running
through the ordering of this world?〃 she said; presently。 〃It is a mistake to
think our prayers are not answeredthey are。 In due time we get our
heart's desirewhen we have ceased to care for it。〃
〃I haven't yet got mine;〃 Broomhurst answered; doggedly; 〃and I shall
never cease to care for it。〃
She smiled a little; with infinite sadness。
〃Listen; Kathleen;〃 he said。 They had both risen; and he stood before
her; looking down at her。 〃I will go now; but in a year's time I shall come
back。 I will not give you up。 You shall love me yet。〃
〃PerhapsI don't think so;〃 she answered; wearily。
Broomhurst looked at her trembling lips a moment in silence; then he