第 31 节
作者:披荆斩棘      更新:2021-02-24 23:23      字数:9321
  being     alone    with    him    in   that   little  camp     in  that   silent   plain〃she
  shuddered〃made things worse。 My nerves went all to pieces。 Everything
  he said; his voice; his accent; his walk; the way he ate; irritated me so that
  I longed to rush out sometimes and shriekand go /mad/。 Does it sound
  ridiculous to you to be driven mad by such trifles? I only know I used to
  get up from the table sometimes and walk up and down outside; with both
  hands   over   my   mouth   to   keep   myself   quiet。   And   all   the   time   I   /hated/
  myselfhow   I   hated   myself!   I   never   had   a   word   from   him   that   wasn't
  gentle   and   tender。   I   believe   he   loved   the   ground   I   walked   on。   Oh;   it   is
  /awful/ to be loved like that when you〃 She drew in her breath with a sob。
  〃IIit made me sick for him to come near meto touch me。〃 She stopped
  a moment。
  Broomhurst   gently   laid   his   hand   on   her   quivering   one。   〃Poor   little
  girl!〃 he murmured。
  〃Then /you/ came;〃 she said; 〃and before long I had another feeling to
  fight   against。  At   first   I   thought   it   couldn't   be   true   that   I   loved   you   it
  would die down。 I think I was /frightened/ at the feeling; I didn't know it
  hurt so to love any one。〃
  Broomhurst stirred a little。 〃Go on;〃 he said; tersely。
  〃But   it   didn't   die;〃   she   continued;   in   a   trembling   whisper;   〃and   the
  other /awful/ feeling grew stronger and strongerhatred; no; that is not the
  word/loathing/        forforJohn。      I  fought     against    it。  Yes;〃    she   cried;
  feverishly; clasping and unclasping her hands; 〃Heaven knows I fought it
  with     all  my     strength;    and    reasoned      with    myself;     and    oh;   I  did
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  /everything/; but〃 Her quick…falling tears made speech difficult。
  〃Kathleen!〃 Broomhurst urged; desperately; 〃you couldn't help it; you
  poor child。 You say yourself you struggled against your feelings。 You were
  always gentle; perhaps he didn't know。〃
  〃But he didhe /did/;〃 she wailed; 〃it is just that。 I hurt him a hundred
  times a day; he never said so; but I knew it; and yet I /couldn't/ be kind to
  him;except   in   words;and   he   understood。   And   after   you   came   it   was
  worse in   one   way;   for   he   knewI   /felt/   he   knew   that   I   loved   you。   His
  eyes used to follow me like a dog's; and I was stabbed with remorse; and I
  tried to be good to him; but I couldn't。〃
  〃Buthe didn't suspecthe trusted you;〃 began Broomhurst。 〃He had
  every reason。 No woman was ever so loyal; so〃
  〃Hush!〃 she almost screamed。 〃Loyal! it was the least I could doto
  stop you; I meanwhen youAfter all; I knew it without your telling me。 I
  had deliberately married him without loving him。 It was my own fault。 I
  felt   it。   Even   if   I   couldn't   prevent   his   knowing   that   I   hated   him;   I   could
  prevent /that/。 It was my punishment。  I deserved it for /daring/ to   marry
  without   love。     But   I  didn't  spare   John   one   pang    after  all;〃  she   added;
  bitterly。   〃He   knew   what   I   felt   toward   him;   I   don't   think   he   cared   about
  anything else。 You say I mustn't reproach myself? When I went back to the
  tent that morningwhen youwhen I stopped you from saying you loved
  me; he was sitting at the table with his head buried in his hands; he was
  cryingbitterly。   I   saw   him;it   is   terrible   to   see   a   man   cry;and   I   stole
  away gently; but he saw me。 I was torn to pieces; but I /couldn't/ go to him。
  I knew he would kiss me; and I shuddered to think of it。 It seemed more
  than ever not to be borne that he should do thatwhen I knew /you/ loved
  me。〃
  〃Kathleen;〃 cried her lover; again; 〃don't dwell on it all so terribly
  don't〃
  〃How      can   I  forget?〃   she   answered;     despairingly。    〃And    then;〃she
  lowered her voice;〃oh;  I   can't tell   youall   the   time;  at   the back   of   my
  mind somewhere; there was a burning wish that he might /die/。 I used to
  lie awake at night; and; do what I would to stifle it; that thought used to
  /scorch/ me; I wished it so intensely。 Do you believe that by willing one
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  can   bring   such   things   to   pass?〃   she   asked;   looking   at   Broomhurst   with
  feverishly  bright   eyes。   〃No?   Well;   I   don't   know。   I   tried   to   smother   it;I
  /really/   tried;but   it   was   there;   whatever  other   thoughts   I  heaped   on   the
  top。 Then; when I heard the horse galloping across the plain that morning;
  I had a sick fear that it was /you/。 I knew something had happened; and my
  first thought when I saw you alive and well; and knew it was /John/; was
  /that it was too good to be true/。 I believe I laughed like a maniac; didn't
  I? 。 。 。 Not to blame? Why; if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have died。
  The men say they saw him sitting with his head uncovered in the burning
  sun; his face buried in his handsjust as I had seen him the day before。 He
  didn't trouble to be careful; he was too wretched。〃
  She paused; and Broomhurst rose and began to pace the little hillside
  path at the edge of which they were seated。
  Presently he came back to her。
  〃Kathleen; let me take care of you;〃 he implored; stooping toward her。
  〃We have only ourselves to consider in this matter。 Will you come to me at
  once?〃
  She shook her head sadly。
  Broomhurst set his teeth; and the lines round his mouth deepened。 He
  threw himself down beside her on the heather。
  〃Dear;〃     he  urged;    still  gently;  though     his  voice   showed      he  was
  controlling himself with an effort; 〃you are morbid about this。 You have
  been    alone   too   much;    you   are  ill。  Let  me   take   care  of   you;   I  /can/;
  Kathleen;and I love you。 Nothing but morbid fancy makes you imagine
  you are in any way responsible forDrayton's death。 You can't bring him
  back to life; and〃
  〃No;〃 she sighed; drearily; 〃and if I could; nothing would be altered。
  Though I am mad with self…reproach; I feel /that/it was all so inevitable。
  If he were alive and well before me this instant; my feeling toward  him
  wouldn't have changed。 If he spoke to me he would say 'my dear'and I
  should /loathe/ him。 Oh; I know! It is /that/ that makes it so awful。〃
  〃But if you acknowledge it;〃 Broomhurst struck in; eagerly; 〃will you
  wreck both of our lives for the sake of vain regrets? Kathleen; you never
  will。〃
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  He waited breathlessly for her answer。
  〃I won't wreck both our lives by marrying again without love on my
  side;〃 she replied; firmly。
  〃I will take the risk;〃 he said。 〃You /have/ loved me; you will love me
  again。    You    are  crushed    and    dazed   now    with   brooding     over   thisthis
  trouble; but〃
  〃But I will not allow you to take the risk;〃 Kathleen answered。 〃What
  sort of woman should I be to be willing again to live with a man I don't
  love? I have come to know that there are things one owes to /one's self/。
  Self…respect is one of them。 I don't know how it has come to be so; but all
  my old feeling for you has /gone/。 It is as though it had burned itself out。 I
  will not offer gray ashes to any man。〃
  Broomhurst; looking up at her pale; set face; knew that her words were
  final; and turned his own aside with a groan。
  〃Ah;〃 cried Kathleen; with a little break in her voice; 〃/don't!/ Go away;
  and   be   happy  and   strong;   and   all   that   I   loved   in   you。   I   am   so   sorryso
  sorry to hurt you。 I〃 her voice faltered miserably; 〃II only bring trouble
  to people。〃
  There was a long pause。
  〃Did   you   never   think   that   there   is   a   terrible   vein   of   irony   running
  through the ordering of this world?〃 she said; presently。 〃It is a mistake to
  think   our   prayers   are   not   answeredthey   are。   In   due   time   we   get   our
  heart's desirewhen we have ceased to care for it。〃
  〃I haven't yet got mine;〃 Broomhurst answered; doggedly; 〃and I shall
  never cease to care for it。〃
  She smiled a little; with infinite sadness。
  〃Listen; Kathleen;〃 he said。 They had both risen; and he stood before
  her; looking down at her。 〃I will go now; but in a year's time I shall come
  back。 I will not give you up。 You shall love me yet。〃
  〃PerhapsI don't think so;〃 she answered; wearily。
  Broomhurst looked at her trembling lips a moment in silence; then he