第 87 节
作者:浮游云中      更新:2021-02-24 23:06      字数:9320
  the door; and she stood awaiting him on the threshold; confronted by the
  steep little staircase that disappeared into the wall half way up。  At
  her left was the room where he worked; and which once had been the
  farmhouse kitchen。  She took a few steps into it; and while he was
  searching in the table drawer she halted before the great chimney over
  which; against the panel; an old bell…mouthed musket hung。  Insall came
  over beside her。
  〃Those were trees!〃 he said。  〃That panel's over four feet across; I
  measured it once。  I dare say the pine it was cut from grew right where
  we are standing; before the land was cleared to build the house。〃
  〃But the gun?〃 she questioned。  〃You didn't have it the night we came to
  supper。〃
  〃No; I ran across it at a sale in Boston。  The old settler must have
  owned one like that。  I like to think of him; away off here in the
  wilderness in those early days。〃
  She thought of how Insall had made those early days live for her; in his
  story of Basil Grelott。  But to save her soul; wen with such an opening;
  she could not speak of it。
  〃He had to work pretty hard; of course;〃 Insall continued; 〃but I dare
  say he had a fairly happy life; no movies; no Sunday supplements; no
  automobiles or gypsy moths。  His only excitement was to trudge ten miles
  to Dorset and listen to a three hour sermon on everlasting fire and
  brimstone by a man who was supposed to know。  No wonder he slept soundly
  and lived to be over ninety!〃
  Insall was standing with his head thrown back; his eyes stilt seemingly
  fixed on the musket that had suggested his remarka pose eloquent; she
  thought; of the mental and physical balance of the man。  She wondered
  what belief gave him the free mastery of soul and body he possessed。
  Some firm conviction; she was sure; must energise him yet she respected
  him the more for concealing it。
  〃It's hard to understand such a terrible religion!〃 she cried。  〃I don't
  see how those old settlers could believe in it; when there are such
  beautiful things in the world; if we only open our eyes and look for
  them。  Oh Mr。 Insall; I wish I could tell you how I felt when I read your
  story; and when Mrs。 Maturin read me those other books of yours 〃
  She stopped breathlessly; aghast at her boldnessand then; suddenly; a
  barrier between them seemed to break down; and for the first time since
  she had known him she felt near to him。  He could not doubt the sincerity
  of her tribute。
  〃You like them as much as that; Janet?〃 he said; looking at her。
  〃I can't tell you how much; I can't express myself。  And I want to tell
  you something else; Mr。 Insall; while I have the chancehow just being
  with you and Mrs。 Maturin has changed me。  I can face life now; you have
  shown me so much in it I never saw before。〃
  〃While you have the chance?〃 he repeated。
  〃Yes。〃  She strove to go on cheerfully; 〃Now I've said it; I feel better;
  I promise not to mention it again。  I knewyou didn't think me
  ungrateful。  It's funny;〃 she added; 〃the more people have done for you…
  when they've given you everything; life and hope;the harder it is to
  thank them。〃  She turned her face away; lest he might see that her eyes
  were wet。  〃Mrs。 Maturin will be expecting us。〃
  〃Not yet;〃 she heard him say; and felt his hand on her arm。  〃You haven't
  thought of what you're doing for me。〃
  〃What I'm doing for you!〃 she echoed。  〃What hurts me most; when I think
  about it; is that I'll never be able to do anything。〃
  〃Why do you say that?〃 he asked。
  〃If I only could believe that some day I might be able to help youjust
  a littleI should be happier。  All I have; all I am I owe to you and
  Mrs。 Maturin。〃
  〃No; Janet;〃 he answered。  〃What you are is you; and it's more real than
  anything we could have put into you。  What you have to give is
  yourself。〃 His fingers trembled on her arm; but she saw him smile a
  little before he spoke again。  〃Augusta Maturin was right when she said
  that you were the woman I needed。  I didn't realize it then perhaps she
  didn'tbut now I'm sure of it。  Will you come to me?〃
  She stood staring at him; as in terror; suddenly penetrated by a dismay
  that sapped her strength; and she leaned heavily against the fireplace;
  clutching the mantel…shelf。
  〃Don't!〃 she pleaded。  〃Please don'tI can't。〃
  〃You can't!。。。  Perhaps; after a while; you may come to feel differently
  I didn't mean to startle you;〃 she heard him reply gently。  This
  humility; in him; was unbearable。
  〃Oh; it isn't thatit isn't that!  If I could; I'd be willing to serve
  you all my lifeI wouldn't ask for anything more。  I never thought that
  this would happen。  I oughtn't to have stayed in Silliston。〃
  〃You didn't suspect that I loved you?〃
  〃How could I?  Oh; I might have loved you; if I'd been fortunateif I'd
  deserved it。  But I never thought; I always looked up to youyou are so
  far above me!〃  She lifted her face to him in agony。  〃I'm sorryI'm
  sorry for youI'll never forgive myself!〃
  〃It'ssome one else?〃 he asked。
  〃I wasgoing to be married toto Mr。 Ditmar;〃 she said slowly;
  despairingly。
  〃But even then〃 Insall began。
  〃You don't understand!〃 she cried。  〃What will you think of me?Mrs。
  Maturin was to have told you; after I'd gone。  It'sit's the same as if
  I were married to himonly worse。〃
  〃Worse!〃 Insall repeated uncomprehendingly。。。。  And then she was aware
  that he had left her side。  He was standing by the window。
  A thrush began to sing in the maple。  She stole silently toward the door;
  and paused to look back at him; once to meet his glance。  He had turned。
  〃I can'tI can't let you go like this!〃 she heard him say; but she fled
  from him; out of the gate and toward the Common。。。。
  When Janet appeared; Augusta Maturin was in her garden。  With an instant
  perception that something was wrong; she went to the girl and led her to
  the sofa in the library。  There the confession was made。
  〃I never guessed it;〃 Janet sobbed。  〃Oh; Mrs。 Maturin; you'll believe
  mewon't you?〃
  〃Of course I believe you; Janet;〃 Augusta Maturity replied; trying to
  hide her pity; her own profound concern and perplexity。  〃I didn't
  suspect it either。  If I had〃
  〃You wouldn't have brought me here; you wouldn't have asked me to stay
  with you。  But I was to blame; I oughtn't to have stayed; I knew all
  along that something would happensomething terrible that I hadn't any
  right to stay。〃
  〃Who could have foreseen it!〃  her friend exclaimed helplessly。  〃Brooks
  isn't like any other man I've ever knownone can never tell what he has
  in mind。  Not that I'm surprised as I look back upon it all!〃
  〃I've hurt him!〃
  Augusta Maturity was silent awhile。  〃Remember; my dear;〃 she begged;
  〃you haven't only yourself to think about; from now on。〃
  But comfort was out of the question; the task of calming the girl
  impossible。  Finally the doctor was sent for; and she was put to bed。。。。
  Augusta Maturity spent an agonized; sleepless night; a prey of many
  emotions; of self…reproach; seeing now that she had been wrong in not
  telling Brooks Insall of the girl's secret; of sorrow and sympathy for
  him; of tenderness toward the girl; despite the suffering she had
  brought; of unwonted rebellion against a world that cheated her of this
  cherished human tie for which she had longed the first that had come into
  her life since her husband and child had gone。  And there was her own
  responsibility for Insall's unhappinesswhen she recalled with a pang
  her innocent sayings that Janet was the kind of woman he; an artist;
  should marry!  And it was trueif he must marry。  He himself had seen
  it。  Did Janet love him?  or did she still remember Ditmar?  Again and
  again; during the summer that followed; this query was on her lips; but
  remained unspoken。。。。
  The next day Insall disappeared。  No one knew where he had gone; but his
  friends in Silliston believed he had been seized by one of his sudden;
  capricious fancies for wandering。  For many months his name was not
  mentioned between Augusta Maturity and Janet。  By the middle of June they
  had gone to Canada。。。。
  In order to reach the camp on Lac du Sablier from the tiny railroad
  station at Saint Hubert; a trip of some eight miles up the decharge was
  necessary。  The day had been when Augusta Maturity had done her share of
  paddling and poling; with an habitant guide in the bow。  She had foreseen
  all the needs of this occasion; warm clothes for Janet; who was wrapped
  in blankets and placed on cushions in the middle of a canoe; while she
  herself followed in a second; from time to time exclaiming; in a
  reassuring voice; that one had nothing to fear in the hands of Delphin
  and Herve; whom she had known intimately for more than twenty years。  It
  was indeed a wonderful; exciting; and at moments seemingly perilous
  journey up the forested aisle of the river: at sight of the first roaring
  reach of rapids Janet held her breathso incredible did it appear that any
  human power could impel and guide a boat up the white stairway between
  the boulders!  Was it not courting destruction?  Yet she felt a strange;
  wild delight in the sense of danger; of amazement at the woodsman's eye
  that found and followed the crystal paths through the waste of foam。。。。