the　way　of　the　tree　of　life；　lest　I　　should　take　thereof　and　live。　　Oh！　who　knows　how　hard　a　thing　I　　found　it；　to　come　to　God　in　prayer！
  179。　　I　did　also　desire　the　prayers　of　the　people　of　God　for　me；　　but　I　feared　that　God　would　give　them　no　heart　to　do　it；　yea　I　　trembled　in　my　soul　to　think；　that　some　or　other　of　them　would　　shortly　tell　me；　that　God　hath　said　those　words　to　them；　that　He　　once　did　say　to　the　prophet　concerning　the　children　of　Israel；　PRAY　　NOT　FOR　THIS　PEOPLE；　FOR　I　HAVE　REJECTED　THEM。　　Jeremiah　xi。　14。　　　So；　PRAY　NOT　FOR　HIM；　FOR　I　HAVE　REJECTED　HIM；　yea；　I　thought　that　　He　had　whispered　this　to　some　of　them　already；　only　they　durst　not　　tell　me　so；　neither　durst　I　ask　them　of　it；　for　fear　if　it　should　　be　so；　it　would　make　me　quite　beside　myself：　　MAN　KNOWS　THE　　BEGINNING　OF　SIN　（said　Spira）；　BUT　WHO　BOUNDS　THE　ISSUES　THEREOF？
  180。　　About　this　time　I　took　an　opportunity　to　break　my　mind　to　an　　ancient　Christian；　and　told　him　all　my　case：　　I　told　him　also；　that　　I　was　afraid　that　I　had　sinned　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　and　　he　told　me；　HE　THOUGHT　SO　TOO。　　Here　therefore　I　had　but　cold　　comfort；　but　talking　a　little　more　with　him；　I　found　him；　though　a　　good　man；　a　stranger　to　much　combat　with　the　devil。　　Wherefore　I　　went　to　God　again；　as　well　as　I　could；　for　mercy　still。
  181。　　Now　also　did　the　tempter　begin　to　mock　me　in　my　misery；　　saying；　THAT　SEEING　I　HAD　THUS　PARTED　WITH　THE　LORD　JESUS；　AND　　PROVOKED　HIM　TO　DISPLEASURE；　WHO　WOULD　HAVE　STOOD　BETWEEN　MY　SOUL　　AND　THE　FLAME　OF　DEVOURING　FIRE；　THERE　WAS　NOW　BUT　ONE　WAY；　AND　　THAT　WAS；　to　pray　that　God　the　Father　would　be　a　Mediator　betwixt　　His　Son　and　me；　THAT　WE　MIGHT　BE　RECONCILED　AGAIN；　AND　THAT　I　MIGHT　　HAVE　THAT　BLESSED　BENEFIT　IN　HIM；　THAT　HIS　BLESSED　SAINTS　ENJOYED。
  182。　　Then　did　that　scripture　seize　upon　my　soul；　HE　IS　OF　ONE　　MIND；　AND　WHO　CAN　TURN　HIM！　　Oh！　I　saw；　it　was　as　easy　to　persuade　　Him　to　make　a　new　world；　a　new　covenant；　or　a　new　Bible；　besides　　that　we　have　already；　as　to　pray　for　such　a　thing。　　This　was　to　　persuade　Him；　that　what　He　had　done　already　was　mere　folly；　and　　persuade　Him　to　alter；　yea；　to　disannul　the　whole　way　of　salvation。　　　And　then　would　that　saying　rend　my　soul　asunder；　NEITHER　IS　THERE　　SALVATION　IN　ANY　OTHER；　FOR　THERE　IS　NONE　OTHER　NAME　UNDER　HEAVEN　　GIVEN　AMONG　MEN　WHEREBY　WE　MUST　BE　SAVED。　　Acts　iv。　12。
  183。　　Now　the　most　free；　and　full　and　gracious　words　of　the　gospel；　　were　the　greatest　torment　to　me；　yea；　nothing　so　afflicted　me；　as　　the　thoughts　of　Jesus　Christ；　the　remembrance　of　a　Saviour；　because　　I　had　cast　Him　off；　brought　forth　the　villany　of　my　sin；　and　my　　loss　by　it；　to　mind；　nothing　did　twinge　my　conscience　like　this：　　　every　time　that　I　thought　of　the　Lord　Jesus；　of　His　grace；　love；　　goodness；　kindness；　gentleness；　meekness；　death；　blood；　promises；　　and　blessed　exhortations；　comforts；　and　consolations；　it　went　to　my　　soul　like　a　sword；　for　still　unto　these　my　considerations　of　the　　Lord　Jesus；　these　thoughts　would　make　place　for　themselves　in　my　　heart：　　AYE；　THIS　IS　THE　JESUS；　THE　LOVING　SAVIOUR；　THE　SON　OF　GOD；　　WHOM　YOU　HAVE　PARTED　WITH；　WHOM　YOU　HAVE　SLIGHTED；　DESPISED；　AND　　ABUSED。　　THIS　IS　THE　ONLY　SAVIOUR；　THE　ONLY　REDEEMER；　THE　ONLY　ONE　　THAT　COULD　SO　LOVE　SINNERS；　AS　TO　WASH　THEM　FROM　THEIR　SINS　IN　HIS　　OWN　MOST　PRECIOUS　BLOOD；　BUT　YOU　HAVE　NO　PART　NOR　LOT　IN　THIS　　JESUS：　　YOU　HAVE　PUT　HIM　FROM　YOU；　YOU　HAVE　SAID　IN　YOUR　HEART；　Let　　Him　go；　if　He　will。　　NOW；　THEREFORE；　YOU　ARE　SEVERED　FROM　HIM；　YOU　　HAVE　SEVERED　YOURSELF　FROM　HIM：　　BEHOLD　THEN　HIS　GOODNESS；　BUT　　YOURSELF　TO　BE　NO　PARTAKER　OF　IT。　　Oh！　thought　I；　what　have　I　lost；　　what　have　I　parted　with！　　What　has　disinherited　my　poor　soul！　　Oh！　　'tis　sad　to　be　destroyed　by　the　grace　and　mercy　of　God；　to　have　the　　Lamb；　the　Saviour；　turn　lion　and　destroyer。　　Rev。　vi。　　I　also　　trembled；　as　I　have　said；　at　the　sight　of　the　saints　of　God；　　especially　at　those　that　greatly　loved　Him；　and　that　made　it　their　　business　to　walk　continually　with　Him　in　this　world；　for　they　did；　　both　in　their　words；　their　carriages；　and　all　their　expressions　of　　tenderness　and　fear　to　sin　against　their　precious　Saviour；　condemn；　　lay　guilt　upon；　and　also　add　continual　affliction　and　shame　upon　my　　soul。　　THE　DREAD　OF　THEM　WAS　UPON　ME；　AND　I　TREMBLED　AT　GOD'S　　SAMUELS。　　1　Sam。　xvi。　4。
  184。　　Now　also　the　tempter　began　afresh　to　mock　my　soul　another　　way；　saying；　THAT　CHRIST　INDEED　DID　PITY　MY　CASE；　AND　WAS　SORRY　FOR　　MY　LOSS；　BUT　FORASMUCH　AS　I　HAD　SINNED　AND　TRANSGRESSED　AS　I　HAD　　DONE；　HE　COULD　BY　NO　MEANS　HELP　ME；　NOR　SAVE　ME　FROM　WHAT　I　FEARED：　　　FOR　MY　SIN　WAS　NOT　OF　THE　NATURE　OF　THEIRS；　FOR　WHOM　HE　BLED　AND　　DIED；　NEITHER　WAS　IT　COUNTED　WITH　THOSE　THAT　WERE　LAID　TO　HIS　　CHARGE；　WHEN　HE　HANGED　ON　A　TREE：　　THEREFORE；　UNLESS　HE　SHOULD　COME　　DOWN　FROM　HEAVEN；　AND　DIE　ANEW　FOR　THIS　SIN；　THOUGH　INDEED　HE　DID　　GREATLY　PITY　ME；　YET　I　COULD　HAVE　NO　BENEFIT　OF　HIM。　　These　things　　may　seem　ridiculous　to　others；　even　as　ridiculous　as　they　were　in　　themselves；　but　to　me　they　were　most　tormenting　cogitations：　　every　　one　of　them　augmented　my　misery；　that　Jesus　Christ　should　have　so　　much　love　as　to　pity　me；　when　yet　He　could　not　help　me；　nor　did　I　　think　that　the　reason　why　He　could　not　help　me；　was；　because　His　　merits　were　weak；　or　His　grace　and　salvation　spent　on　others　　already；　but　because　His　faithfulness　to　His　threatening；　would　not　　let　Him　extend　His　mercy　to　me。　　Besides；　I　thought；　as　I　have　　already　hinted；　that　my　sin　was　not　within　the　bounds　of　that　　pardon；　that　was　wrapped　up　in　a　promise；　and　if　not；　then　I　knew　　assuredly；　that　it　was　more　easy　for　heaven　and　earth　to　pass　away；　　than　for　me　to　have　eternal　life。　　So　that　the　ground　of　all　these　　fears　of　mine　did　arise　from　a　steadfast　belief　I　had　of　the　　stability　of　the　holy　word　of　God；　and　also　from　my　being　　misinformed　of　the　nature　of　my　sin。
  185。　　But　oh！　how　this　would　add　to　my　affliction；　to　conceit　that　　I　should　be　guilty　of　such　a　sin；　for　which　He　did　not　die。　　These　　thoughts　would　so　confound　me；　and　imprison　me；　and　tie　me　up　from　　faith；　that　I　knew　not　what　to　do。　　But　oh！　thought　I；　that　He　　would　come　down　again！　　Oh！　that　the　work　of　man's　redemption　was　　yet　to　be　done　by　Christ！　how　would　I　pray　Him　and　entreat　Him　to　　count　and　reckon　this　sin　among　the　rest　for　which　He　died！　　But　　this　scripture　would　strike　me　down　as　dead；　CHRIST　BEING　RAISED　　FROM　THE　DEAD；　DIETH　NO　MORE；　DEATH　HATH　NO　MORE　DOMINION　OVER　HIM。　　　Rom。　vi。　9。
  186。　　Thus；　by　the　strange　and　unusual　assaults　of　the　tempter；　my　　soul　was　like　a　broken　vessel；　driven　as　with　the　winds；　and　tossed　　sometimes　headlong　into　despair；　sometimes　upon　the　covenant　of　　works；　and　sometimes　to　wish　that　the　new　covenant；　and　the　　conditions　thereof；　might　so　far　forth；　as　I　thought　myself　　concerned；　be　turned　another　way；　and　changed；　BUT　IN　ALL　THESE；　I　　WAS　AS　THOSE　THAT　JOSTLE　AGAINST　THE　ROCKS；　MORE　BROKEN；　SCATTERED　　AND　RENT。　　Oh！　the　un…thought…of　imaginations；　frights；　fears；　and　　terrors；　that　are　affected　by　a　thorough　application　of　guilt　　yielding　to　desperation！　　THIS　IS　THE　MAN　THAT　HATH　HIS　DWELLING　　AMONG　THE　TOMBS　WITH　THE　DEAD；　THAT　IS　ALWAYS　CRYING　OUT；　AND　　CUTTING　HIMSELF　WITH　STONES。　　Mark　v。　1；　2；　3。　　But；　I　say；　all　in　　vain；　desperation　will　not　comfort　him；　the　old　covenant　will　not　　save　him：　　nay；　heaven　and　earth　shall　pass　away；　before　one　jot　or　　tittle　of　the　word　and　law　of　grace　will　fail　or　be　removed。　　This　　I　saw；　this　I　felt；　and　under　this　I　groaned；　yet　this　advantage　I　　got　thereby；　namely；　a　farther　confirmation　of　the　certainty　of　the　　way　of　salvation；　and　that　the　scriptures　were　the　word　of　God。　　　Oh！　I　cannot　now　express　what　then　I　saw　and　felt　of　the　steadiness　　of　Jesus　Christ；　the　rock　of　man's　salvation：　　What　was　done；　could　　not　be　undone；　added　to；　nor　altered。　　I　saw；　indeed；　that　sin　　might　drive　the　soul　beyond　Christ；　even　the　sin　which　is　　unpardonable；　but　woe　to　him　that　was　so　driven；　for　the　word　would　　shut　him　out。
  187。　　Thus　I　was　always　sinking；　whatever　I　did　think　or　do。　　So　　one　day　I　walked　to　a　neighbouring　town；　and　sate　down　upon　a　　settle　in　the　street；　and　fell　into　a　very　deep　pause　about　the　　most　fearful　state　my　sin　had　brought　me　to；　and　after　long　musing；　　I　lifted　up　I　sat　my　head；　but　methought　I　saw；　as　if　the　sun　that　　shineth　in　the　heavens　did　grudge　to　give　light；　and　as　if　the　very　　stones　in　the　street；　and　tiles　upon　the　houses；　did　bend　　themselves　against　me。　　Methought　that　they　all　combined　together　　to　banish　me　out　of　the　world。　　I　was　abhorred　of　them；　and　unfit　　to　dwell　among　them；　or　be　partaker　of　their　benefits；　because　I　　had　sinned　against　the　Saviour。　　O　how　happy　now　was　every　creature　　over　I　was！　　For　they　stood　fast；　and　kept　their　station；　but　I　was　　gone　and　lost。
  188。　　Then　breaking　out　in　the　bitterness　of　my　soul；　I　said　to　　myself　with　a　grievous　sigh；　HOW　CAN　GOD　COMFORT　SUCH　A　WRETCH！　　I　　had　no　sooner　said　it；　but　this　returned　upon　me；　as　an　echo　doth　　answer　a　voice：　　THIS　SIN　IS　NOT　UNTO　DEATH。　　At　which　I　was；　as　if　　I　had　been　raised　out　of　the　grave；　and　cried　out　again；　LORD；　HOW　　COULDST　THOU　FIND　OUT　SUCH　A　WORD　AS　THIS！　　For　I　was　filled　with　　admiration　at　th