第 13 节
作者:童舟      更新:2021-02-20 15:23      字数:9321
  ders; and should also labour; what I might with fairness; to  aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances。
  169。  I should think with myself that DAVID shed blood to cover his  adultery; and that by the sword of the children of AMMON; a work  that could not be done; but by continuance; deliberate contrivance;  which was a great aggravation to his sin。  But then this would turn  upon me:  Ah! but these were but sins against the law; from which  there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the  Saviour; and who shall save you from that?
  170。  Then I thought on SOLOMON; and how he sinned in loving  strange women; falling away to their idols; in building them  temples; in doing this after light; in his old age; after great  mercy received:  but the same conclusion that cut me off in the  former consideration; cut me off as to this; namely; that all those  were but sins against the law; for which God had provided a remedy;  BUT I HAD SOLD MY SAVIOUR; and there remained no more sacrifice for  sin。
  171。  I would then add to these men's sins; the sins of MANASSEH;  how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he  also observed times; used enchantments; had to do with wizards; was  a wizard; had his familiar spirits; burned his children in the fire  in sacrifice to devils; and made the streets of JERUSALEM run down  with the blood of innocents。  These; thought I; are great sins;  sins of a bloody colour; but yet it would turn again upon me; THEY  ARE NONE OF THEM OF THE NATURE OF YOURS; YOU HAVE PARTED WITH  JESUS; YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SAVIOUR。
  172。  This one consideration would always kill my heart; MY SIN WAS  POINT BLANK AGAINST MY SAVIOUR; and that too; at that height; that  I had in my heart said of Him; LET HIM GO; IF HE WILL。  Oh!  methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country; of a  kingdom; or of the whole world; NO one pardonable; nor ALL of them  together; was able to equal mine; mine out…went them every one。
  173。  Now I should find my mind to flee from God; as from the face  of a dreadful judge; yet this was my torment; I could not escape  His hand:  (IT IS A FEARFUL THING TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THE  LIVING GOD。  Hebrew x。)  But; blessed be His grace; that scripture;  in these flying fits; would call; as running after me; I HAVE  BLOTTED OUT; AS A THICK CLOUD; THY TRANSGRESSIONS; AND AS A CLOUD;  THY SINS:  RETURN UNTO ME; FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE。  Isaiah xliv。  22。  This; I say; would come in upon my mind; when I was fleeing  from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is; my  mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness; I could  not endure:  then would the text cry; RETURN UNTO ME; it would cry  aloud with a very great voice; RETURN UNTO ME; FOR I HAVE REDEEMED  THEE。  Indeed; this would make me make a little stop; and; as it  were; look over my shoulder behind me; to see if I could discern  that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but  I could no sooner do that; but all would be clouded and darkened  again by that sentence; FOR YOU KNOW; HOW THAT AFTERWARDS; WHEN HE  WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING; HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE;  THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY  WITH TEARS。  Wherefore I could not  refrain; but fled; though at some times it cried; RETURN; RETURN;  as if it did hollow after me:  but I feared to close in therewith;  lest it should not come from God; for that other; as I said; was  still sounding in my conscience; FOR YOU KNOW THAT AFTERWARDS; WHEN  HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING; HE WAS REJECTED; ETC。
  174。  Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop;  bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state; afflicting myself  with self…abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting  also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin;  greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my  heart; that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the  Holy Ghost; the Lord would show it me。  And being now ready to sink  with fear; suddenly there was; as if there had rushed in at the  window; the noise of wind upon me; but very pleasant; and as if I  heard a voice speaking; DID'ST THOU EVER REFUSE TO BE JUSTIFIED BY  THE BLOOD OF CHRIST? and withal; my whole life of profession past;  was in a moment opened to me; wherein I was made to see; that  designedly I had not:  so my heart answered groaningly; NO。  Then  fell; with power; that word of God upon me; SEE THAT YE REFUSE NOT  HIM THAT SPEAKETH。  Hebrew xii。 25。  This made a strange seizure  upon my spirit; it brought light with it; and commanded a silence  in my heart; of all those tumultuous thoughts; that did before use;  like masterless hell…hounds; to roar and bellow; and make an  hideous noise within me。  It showed me also that Jesus Christ had  yet a word of grace and mercy for me; that He had not; as I had  feared; quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea; this was a kind  of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of  me; if I did not; notwithstanding my sins; and the heinousness of  them; venture my salvation upon the Son of God。  But as to my  determining about this strange dispensation; what it was; I know  not; or from whence it came; I know not; I have not yet in twenty  years' time been able to make a judgment of it; I THOUGHT THEN WHAT  HERE I SHOULD BE LOTH TO SPEAK。  But verily that sudden rushing  wind was; as if an angel had come upon me; but both it; and the  salutation; I will leave until the day of judgment:  only this I  say; it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there  might be hope:  it showed me; as I thought; what the sin  unpardonable was; and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to  flee to Jesus Christ for mercy。  But I say; concerning this  dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also;  in truth; the cause; that at first I did not speak of it in the  book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound  judgment。  I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon; but upon  the Lord Jesus; in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of  my secret things; I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient  to let this also show itself; though I cannot now relate the matter  as there I did experience it。  This lasted in the savour of it for  about three or four days; and then I began to mistrust; and to  despair again。
  175。  Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me; not knowing  which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire; even to  cast itself at the foot of grace; by prayer and supplication。  But  oh! 'twas hard for me now; to have the face to pray to this Christ  for mercy; against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned:  'twas hard  work; I say; to offer to look Him in the face; against Whom I had  so vilely sinned; and indeed; I have found it as difficult to come  to God by prayer; after backsliding from Him; as to do any other  thing。  Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I  thought; I am now a…going to pray to Him for mercy; that I had so  lightly esteemed but a while before!  I was ashamed; yea; even  confounded; because this villany had been committed by me:  but I  saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him; and  humble myself unto Him; and beg that He; of His wonderful mercy;  would show pity to me; and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul。
  176。  Which; when the tempter perceived; he strongly suggested to  me; THAT I OUGHT NOT TO PRAY TO GOD; FOR PRAYER WAS NOT FOR ANY IN  MY CASE; NEITHER COULD IT DO ME GOOD; BECAUSE I HAD REJECTED THE  MEDIATOR; BY WHOM ALL PRAYERS CAME WITH ACCEPTANCE TO GOD THE  FATHER; AND WITHOUT WHOM; NO PRAYER COULD COME INTO HIS PRESENCE:   WHEREFORE NOW TO PRAY; IS BUT TO ADD SIN TO SIN; YEA; NOW TO PRAY;  SEEING GOD HAS CAST YOU OFF; IS THE NEXT WAY TO ANGER AND OFFEND  HIM MORE THAN YOU EVER DID BEFORE。
  177。  FOR GOD (saith he) HATH BEEN WEARY OF YOU FOR THESE SEVERAL  YEARS ALREADY; BECAUSE YOU ARE NONE OF HIS; YOUR BAWLINGS IN HIS  EARS; HATH BEEN NO PLEASANT VOICE TO HIM; AND THEREFORE HE LET YOU  SIN THIS SIN; THAT YOU MIGHT BE QUITE CUT OFF; AND WILL YOU PRAY  STILL?  This the devil urged; and set forth that in NUMBERS; when  MOSES said to the children OF ISRAEL; THAT BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT  GO UP TO POSSESS THE LAND; WHEN GOD WOULD HAVE THEM; THEREFORE FOR  EVER AFTER HE DID BAR THEM OUT FROM THENCE; THOUGH THEY PRAYED THEY  MIGHT WITH TEARS。  Numbers xiv。 36; 37; etc。
  178。  As it is said in another place; Exodus xxi。 14; THE MAN THAT  SINS PRESUMPTUOUSLY SHALL BE TAKEN FROM GOD'S ALTAR; THAT HE MAY  DIE; even as JOAB was by King SOLOMON; when he thought to find  shelter there。  1 Kings ii。 27; 28; etc。  These places did pinch me  very sore; yet my case being desperate; I thought with myself; I  can but die; and if it must be so; it shall once be said; THAT SUCH  AN ONE DIED AT THE FOOT OF CHRIST IN PRAYER。  This I did; but with  great difficulty; God doth know; and that because; together with  this; still that saying about ESAU would be set at my heart; even  like a flaming sword; to keep the way of the tree of life; lest I  should take thereof and live。  Oh! who knows how hard a thing