do。　But　supposing　there　be　a　secret　closet；　what　then？〃
  〃What　then？　why　what　should　be　in　a　secret　closet　but〃
  〃Dry　bones；　wife；〃　broke　in　I　with　a　puff；　while　the　sociable　old
  chimney　broke　in　with　another。
  〃There　again！　Oh；　how　this　wretched　old　chimney　smokes；〃　wiping
  her　eyes　with　her　handkerchief。　〃I've　no　doubt　the　reason　it
  smokes　so　is；　because　that　secret　closet　interferes　with　the
  flue。　Do　see；　too；　how　the　jambs　here　keep　settling；　and　it's
  down　hill　all　the　way　from　the　door　to　this　hearth。　This　horrid
  old　chimney　will　fall　on　our　heads　yet；　depend　upon　it；　old　man。〃
  〃Yes；　wife；　I　do　depend　on　it；　yes　indeed；　I　place　every
  dependence　on　my　chimney。　As　for　its　settling；　I　like　it。　I；　too；
  am　settling；　you　know；　in　my　gait。　I　and　my　chimney　are　settling
  together；　and　shall　keep　settling；　too；　till；　as　in　a　great
  feather…bed；　we　shall　both　have　settled　away　clean　out　of　sight。
  But　this　secret　oven；　I　mean；　secret　closet　of　yours；　wife；　where
  exactly　do　you　suppose　that　secret　closet　is？　〃
  〃That　is　for　Mr。　Scribe　to　say。〃
  〃But　suppose　he　cannot　say　exactly；　what；　then？〃
  〃Why　then　he　can　prove；　I　am　sure；　that　it　must　be　somewhere　or
  other　in　this　horrid　old　chimney。〃
  〃And　if　he　can't　prove　that；　what；　then？〃
  〃Why　then；　old　man；〃　with　a　stately　air；　〃I　shall　say　little　more
  about　it。〃
  〃Agreed；　wife；〃　returned　I；　knocking　my　pipe…bowl　against　the
  jamb；　〃and　now；　to…morrow；　I　will　for　a　third　time　send　for　Mr。
  Scribe。　Wife；　the　sciatica　takes　me；　be　so　good　as　to　put　this
  pipe　on　the　mantel。〃
  〃If　you　get　the　step…ladder　for　me；　I　will。　This　shocking　old
  chimney；　this　abominable　old…fashioned　old　chimney's　mantels　are
  so　high；　I　can't　reach　them。〃
  No　opportunity；　however　trivial；　was　overlooked　for　a　subordinate
  fling　at　the　pile。
  Here；　by　way　of　introduction；　it　should　be　mentioned；　that
  besides　the　fireplaces　all　round　it；　the　chimney　was；　in　the　most
  haphazard　way；　excavated　on　each　floor　for　certain　curious
  out…of…the…way　cupboards　and　closets；　of　all　sorts　and　sizes；
  clinging　here　and　there；　like　nests　in　the　crotches　of　some　old
  oak。　On　the　second　floor　these　closets　were　by　far　the　most
  irregular　and　numerous。　And　yet　this　should　hardly　have　been　so；
  since　the　theory　of　the　chimney　was；　that　it　pyramidically
  diminished　as　it　ascended。　The　abridgment　of　its　square　on　the
  roof　was　obvious　enough；　and　it　was　supposed　that　the　reduction
  must　be　methodically　graduated　from　bottom　to　top。
  〃Mr。　Scribe；〃　said　I　when；　the　next　day；　with　an　eager　aspect；
  that　individual　again　came；　〃my　object　in　sending　for　you　this
  morning　is；　not　to　arrange　for　the　demolition　of　my　chimney；　nor
  to　have　any　particular　conversation　about　it；　but　simply　to　allow
  you　every　reasonable　facility　for　verifying；　if　you　can；　the
  conjecture　communicated　in　your　note。〃
  Though　in　secret　not　a　little　crestfallen；　it　may　be；　by　my
  phlegmatic　reception；　so　different　from　what　he　had　looked　for；
  with　much　apparent　alacrity　he　commenced　the　survey；　throwing
  open　the　cupboards　on　the　first　floor；　and　peering　into　the
  closets　on　the　second；　measuring　one　within；　and　then　comparing
  that　measurement　with　the　measurement　without。　Removing　the
  fireboards；　he　would　gaze　up　the　flues。　But　no　sign　of　the　hidden
  work　yet。
  Now；　on　the　second　floor　the　rooms　were　the　most　rambling
  conceivable。　They；　as　it　were；　dovetailed　into　each　other。　They
  were　of　all　shapes；　not　one　mathematically　square　room　among　them
  alla　peculiarity　which　by　the　master…mason　had　not　been
  unobserved。　With　a　significant；　not　to　say　portentous　expression；
  he　took　a　circuit　of　the　chimney；　measuring　the　area　of　each　room
  around　it；　then　going　down　stairs；　and　out　of　doors；　he　measured
  the　entire　ground　area；　then　compared　the　sum　total　of　the　areas
  of　all　the　rooms　on　the　second　floor　with　the　ground　area；　then；
  returning　to　me　in　no　small　excitement；　announced　that　there　was
  a　difference　of　no　less　than　two　hundred　and　odd　square
  feetroom　enough；　in　all　conscience；　for　a　secret　closet。
  〃But；　Mr。　Scribe；〃　said　I；　stroking　my　chin；　〃have　you　allowed
  for　the　walls；　both　main　and　sectional？　They　take　up　some　space；
  you　know。〃
  〃Ah；　I　had　forgotten　that；〃　tapping　his　forehead；　〃but；〃　still
  ciphering　on　his　paper；　〃that　will　not　make　up　the　deficiency。〃
  〃But；　Mr。　Scribe；　have　you　allowed　for　the　recesses　of　so　many
  fireplaces　on　a　floor；　and　for　the　fire…walls；　and　the　flues；　in
  short；　Mr。　Scribe；　have　you　allowed　for　the　legitimate　chimney
  itselfsome　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　or
  thereabouts；　Mr。　Scribe？〃
  〃How　unaccountable。　That　slipped　my　mind；　too。〃
  〃Did　it；　indeed；　Mr。　Scribe？〃
  He　faltered　a　little；　and　burst　forth　with；　〃But　we　must　now
  allow　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　for　the　legitimate
  chimney。　My　position　is；　that　within　those　undue　limits　the
  secret　closet　is　contained。〃
  I　eyed　him　in　silence　a　moment；　then　spoke：
  〃Your　survey　is　concluded；　Mr。　Scribe；　be　so　good　now　as　to　lay
  your　finger　upon　the　exact　part　of　the　chimney　wall　where　you
  believe　this　secret　closet　to　be；　or　would　a　witch…hazel　wand
  assist　you；　Mr。　Scribe？〃
  〃No；　Sir；　but　a　crowbar　would；〃　he；　with　temper；　rejoined。
  Here；　now；　thought　I　to　myself；　the　cat　leaps　out　of　the　bag。　　I
  looked　at　him　with　a　calm　glance；　under　which　he　seemed　somewhat
  uneasy。　　More　than　ever　now　I　suspected　a　plot。　I　remembered　what
  my　wife　had　said　about　abiding　by　the　decision　of　Mr。　Scribe。　In
  a　bland　way；　I　resolved　to　buy　up　the　decision　of　Mr。　Scribe。
  〃Sir；〃　said　I；　〃really；　I　am　much　obliged　to　you　for　this　survey。
  It　has　quite　set　my　mind　at　rest。　And　no　doubt　you；　too；　Mr。
  Scribe；　must　feel　much　relieved。　Sir；〃　I　added；　〃you　have　made
  three　visits　to　the　chimney。　With　a　business　man；　time　is　money。
  Here　are　fifty　dollars；　Mr。　Scribe。　Nay；　take　it。　You　have　earned
  it。　Your　opinion　is　worth　it。　And　by　the　way；〃as　he　modestly
  received　the　money…〃have　you　any　objections　to　give　me
  aalittle　certificatesomething；　say；　like　a　steamboat
  certificate；　certifying　that　you；　a　competent　surveyor；　have
  surveyed　my　chimney；　and　found　no　reason　to　believe　any
  unsoundness；　in　short；　anyany　secret　closet　in　it。　Would　you　be
  so　kind；　Mr。　Scribe？〃
  〃But；　but；　sir；〃　stammered　he　with　honest　hesitation。
  〃Here；　here　are　pen　and　paper；〃　said　I；　with　entire　assurance。
  Enough。
  That　evening　I　had　the　certificate　framed　and　hung　over　the
  dining…room　fireplace；　trusting　that　the　continual　sight　of　it
  would　forever　put　at　rest　at　once　the　dreams　and　stratagems　of　my
  household。
  But；　no。　Inveterately　bent　upon　the　extirpation　of　that　noble　old
  chimney；　still　to　this　day　my　wife　goes　about　it；　with　my
  daughter　Anna's　geological　hammer；　tapping　the　wall　all　over；　and
  then　holding　her　ear　against　it；　as　I　have　seen　the　physicians　of
  life　insurance　companies　tap　a　man's　chest；　and　then　incline　over
  for　the　echo。　Sometimes　of　nights　she　almost　frightens　one；　going
  about　on　this　phantom　errand；　and　still　following　the　sepulchral
  response　of　the　chimney；　round　and　round；　as　if　it　were　leading
  her　to　the　threshold　of　the　secret　closet。
  〃How　hollow　it　sounds；〃　she　will　hollowly　cry。　〃Yes；　I　declare；〃
  with　an　emphatic　tap；　〃there　is　a　secret　closet　here。　Here；　in
  this　very　spot。　　Hark！　　How　hollow！〃
  〃Psha！　wife；　of　course　it　is　hollow。　Who　ever　heard　of　a　solid
  chimney？〃　But　nothing　avails。　And　my　daughters　take　after；　not
  me；　but　their　mother。
  Sometimes　all　three　abandon　the　theory　of　the　secret　closet　and
  return　to　the　genuine　ground　of　attackthe　unsightliness　of　so
  cumbrous　a　pile；　with　comments　upon　the　great　addition　of　room　to
  be　gained　by　its　demolition；　and　the　fine　effect　of　the　projected
  grand　hall；　and　the　convenience　resulting　from　the　collateral
  running　in　one　direction　and　another　of　their　various　partitions。
  Not　more　ruthlessly　did　the　Three　Powers　partition　away　poor
  Poland；　than　my　wife　and　daughters　would　fain　partition　away　my
  chimney。
  But　seeing　that；　despite　all；　I　and　my　chimney　still　smoke　our
  pipes；　my　wife　reoccupies　the　ground　of　the　secret　closet；
  enlarging　upon　what　wonders　are　there；　and　what　a　shame　it　is；
  not　to　seek　it　out　and　explore　it。
  〃Wife；〃　said　I；　upon　one　of　these　occasions；　〃why　speak　more　of
  that　secret　closet；　when　there　before　you　hangs　contrary
  testimony　of　a　master　mason；　elected　by　yourself　to　decide。
  Besides；　even　if　there　were　a　secret　closet；　secret　it　should
  remain；　and　secret　it　shall。　Yes；　wife；　here　for　once　I　must　say
  my　say。　Infinite　sad　mischief　has　resulted　from　the　profane
  bursting　open　of　secret　recesses。　Though　standing　in　the　heart　of
  this　house；　though　hitherto　we　have　all　nestled　about　it；
  unsuspicious　of　aught　hidden　within；　this　chimney　may　or　may　not
  have　a　secret　closet。　But　if　i