第 108 节
作者:温暖寒冬      更新:2024-04-09 19:50      字数:9287
  know you can never be happy except by marrying a man in your
  own   station;   and   if   I   were   to   marry   you   now;   I   should   only   be
  adding   to   any   wrong   I   have   done;   besides   offending   against   my
  duty in the other relations of life。 You know nothing; dear Hetty; of
  the world in which I must always live; and you would soon begin
  to dislike me; because there would be so little in which we should
  be alike。
  “And since I cannot marry you; we must part—we must try not
  to  feel   like   lovers   any  more。   I am  miserable   while   I   say   this;   but
  George Eliot                                                         ElecBook Classics
  … Page 437…
  Adam Bede                                       437
  nothing else can be。 Be angry with me; my sweet one; I deserve it;
  but do not believe that I shall not always care for you—always be
  grateful   to   you—always   remember   my   Hetty;   and   if   any   trouble
  should      come    that   we   do   not   now     foresee;   trust   in   me   to   do
  everything that lies in my power。
  “I have told you where you are to direct a letter to; if you want
  to write; but I put it down below lest you should have forgotten。 Do
  not   write   unless   there   is   something   I   can   really   do   for   you;   for;
  dear Hetty; we must try to think of each other as little as we can。
  Forgive   me;   and   try  to  forget  everything  about  me;   except   that   I
  shall be; as long as I live; your affectionate friend;
  ARTHUR DONNITHORNE。
  Slowly Hetty had read this letter; and when she looked up from
  it there was the reflection of a blanched face in the old dim glass—
  a    white    marble     face   with    rounded      childish     forms;    but   with
  something  sadder  than a   child’s   pain   in   it。   Hetty   did   not   see   the
  face—she   saw   nothing—she   only   felt   that   she   was   cold   and   sick
  and trembling。 The letter shook and rustled in her hand。 She laid
  it   down。   It   was   a   horrible   sensation—this   cold   and   trembling。   It
  swept  away  the   very  ideas   that  produced   it;   and   Hetty   got   up   to
  reach a warm cloak from her clothes…press; wrapped it round her;
  and     sat  as  if  she   were    thinking    of  nothing     but   getting    warm。
  Presently she took up the letter with a firmer hand; and began to
  read   it   through   again。   The   tears   came   this   time—great   rushing
  tears that blinded her and blotched the paper。 She felt nothing but
  that  Arthur  was   cruel—cruel   to  write   so;   cruel   not   to   marry   her。
  Reasons   why   he   could   not   marry   her   had   no   existence   for   her
  mind; how could she believe in any misery that could come to her
  George Eliot                                                          ElecBook Classics
  … Page 438…
  Adam Bede                                      438
  from the fulfilment of all she had been longing for and dreaming
  of?  She   had   not  the   ideas   that could make   up   the   notion   of   that
  misery。
  As she threw down the letter again; she caught sight of her face
  in   the   glass;   it   was  reddened     now;   and    wet   with   tears;   it  was
  almost like a companion that she might  complain  to—that  would
  pity her。 She leaned forward on her elbows; and looked into those
  dark overflooding eyes and at the quivering mouth; and saw how
  the   tears   came   thicker  and   thicker;   and   how   the   mouth   became
  convulsed with sobs。
  The shattering of all her little dream…world; the crushing blow
  on    her   new…born      passion;   afflicted   her   pleasure…craving   nature
  with     an   overpowering        pain    that    annihilated      all  impulse     to
  resistance;     and    suspended      her   anger。    She    sat  sobbing     till  the
  candle went out; and then; wearied; aching; stupefied with crying;
  threw herself on the bed without undressing and went to sleep。
  There was a feeble dawn in the room when Hetty awoke; a little
  after four o’clock; with a sense of dull misery; the cause of which
  broke     upon    her   gradually     as  she   began    to  discern    the   objects
  round her in the dim light。 And then came the frightening thought
  that   she   had   to   conceal   her   misery   as   well   as   to   bear   it;   in   this
  dreary daylight that was coming。 She could lie no longer。 She got
  up   and   went   towards   the   table:   there   lay   the   letter。   She   opened
  her   treasure…drawer:   there   lay   the   ear…rings   and   the   locket—the
  signs     of  all   her   short    happiness—the          signs   of   the   lifelong
  dreariness that was to follow it。 Looking at the little trinkets which
  she   had   once   eyed   and   fingered   so   fondly   as   the   earnest   of   her
  future paradise of finery; she lived back in the moments when they
  had   been   given   to  her   with   such   tender   caresses;   such  strangely
  George Eliot                                                         ElecBook Classics
  … Page 439…
  Adam Bede                                       439
  pretty     words;     such     glowing     looks;    which     filled   her    with    a
  bewildering delicious surprise—they  were  so   much   sweeter   than
  she    had    thought    anything      could    be。  And    the   Arthur     who    had
  spoken to her and looked at her in this way; who was present with
  her   now—whose   arm   she   felt   round   her;   his   cheek   against   hers;
  his   very   breath   upon   her—was   the   cruel;   cruel   Arthur   who   had
  written that letter; that letter which she snatched and crushed and
  then   opened   again;   that   she   might   read   it   once   more。   The   half…
  benumbed         mental     condition     which     was    the   effect   of  the   last
  night’s violent crying  made it  necessary  to  her  to  look   again   and
  see if her wretched thoughts were actually true—if the letter was
  really   so  cruel。   She   had   to   hold   it   close   to   the   window;   else   she
  could not have read it by the faint light。 Yes! It was worse—it was
  more cruel。 She crushed it up again in anger。 She hated the writer
  of that letter—hated him for the very reason that she  hung  upon
  him with all her love—all the girlish passion and vanity that made
  up her love。
  She had no tears this morning。 She had wept them all away last
  night;   and   now   she   felt   that   dry…eyed   morning   misery;   which   is
  worse than the first shock because it has the future in it as well as
  the   present。   Every   morning   to   come;   as   far   as   her   imagination
  could stretch; she would have to get up and feel that the day would
  have   no   joy   for   her。   For   there   is   no   despair   so   absolute   as   that
  which   comes       with   the   first   moments      of   our   first  great  sorrow;
  when   we   have   not   yet   known   what   it  is   to   have   suffered   and   be
  healed;   to   have   despaired   and   to   have   recovered   hope。   As   Hetty
  began languidly to take off the clothes she had worn all the night;
  that    she   might     wash     herself    and   brush     her   hair;   she    had   a
  sickening sense that her life would go on in this way。 She should
  George Eliot                                                           ElecBook Classics
  … Page 440…
  Adam Bede                                      440
  always be   doing  things   she   had   no pleasure   in;   getting  up   to  the
  old tasks of work; seeing people she cared nothing about; going to
  church;      and   to   Treddleston;      and    to  tea   with   Mrs。    Best;   and
  carrying      no  happy     thought     with   her。  For    her   short   poisonous
  delights had spoiled for ever all the little joys that had once made
  the   sweetness   of   her   life—the   new   frock   ready   for   Treddleston
  Fair;   the   party   at   Mr。   Britton’s   at   Broxton   wake;   the   beaux   that
  she   would   say   “No”   to   for   a   long   while;   and   the   prospect   of   the
  wedding that was to come at last when she would have a silk gown
  and a great many clothes all at once。 These things were all flat and
  dreary     to  her   now;    everything     would    be   a  weariness;     and    she
  would carry about for ever a hopeless thirst and longing。
  She paused in the midst of her languid undressing and leaned
  against the dark old clothes…press。 Her neck and arms were bare;
  her    hair   hung    down     in  delicate    rings—and