up　against　him；　not　very　violently；　but　just　shouldering　each
  otherjust　as　much　as　decency　permits。　　I　will　push　against　him
  just　as　much　as　he　pushes　against　me。〃　　At　last　I　made　up　my　mind
  completely。　　But　my　preparations　took　a　great　deal　of　time。　　To
  begin　with；　when　I　carried　out　my　plan　I　should　need　to　be
  looking　rather　more　decent；　and　so　I　had　to　think　of　my　get…up。
  〃In　case　of　emergency；　if；　for　instance；　there　were　any　sort　of
  public　scandal　（and　the　public　there　is　of　the　most　recherche：
  the　Countess　walks　there；　Prince　D。　walks　there；　all　the　literary
  world　is　there）；　I　must　be　well　dressed；　that　inspires　respect
  and　of　itself　puts　us　on　an　equal　footing　in　the　eyes　of　the
  society。〃
  With　this　object　I　asked　for　some　of　my　salary　in　advance；　and
  bought　at　Tchurkin's　a　pair　of　black　gloves　and　a　decent　hat。
  Black　gloves　seemed　to　me　both　more　dignified　and　bon　ton　than
  the　lemon…coloured　ones　which　I　had　contemplated　at　first。　　〃The
  colour　is　too　gaudy；　it　looks　as　though　one　were　trying　to　be
  conspicuous；〃　and　I　did　not　take　the　lemon…coloured　ones。　　I　had
  got　ready　long　beforehand　a　good　shirt；　with　white　bone　studs；　my
  overcoat　was　the　only　thing　that　held　me　back。　　The　coat　in
  itself　was　a　very　good　one；　it　kept　me　warm；　but　it　was　wadded
  and　it　had　a　raccoon　collar　which　was　the　height　of　vulgarity。　　I
  had　to　change　the　collar　at　any　sacrifice；　and　to　have　a　beaver
  one　like　an　officer's。　　For　this　purpose　I　began　visiting　the
  Gostiny　Dvor　and　after　several　attempts　I　pitched　upon　a　piece　of
  cheap　German　beaver。　　Though　these　German　beavers　soon　grow
  shabby　and　look　wretched；　yet　at　first　they　look　exceedingly
  well；　and　I　only　needed　it　for　the　occasion。　　I　asked　the　price；
  even　so；　it　was　too　expensive。　　After　thinking　it　over　thoroughly
  I　decided　to　sell　my　raccoon　collar。　　The　rest　of　the　moneya
  considerable　sum　for　me；　I　decided　to　borrow　from　Anton　Antonitch
  Syetotchkin；　my　immediate　superior；　an　unassuming　person；　though
  grave　and　judicious。　　He　never　lent　money　to　anyone；　but　I　had；
  on　entering　the　service；　been　specially　recommended　to　him　by　an
  important　personage　who　had　got　me　my　berth。　　I　was　horribly
  worried。　　To　borrow　from　Anton　Antonitch　seemed　to　me　monstrous
  and　shameful。　　I　did　not　sleep　for　two　or　three　nights。　　Indeed；
  I　did　not　sleep　well　at　that　time；　I　was　in　a　fever；　I　had　a
  vague　sinking　at　my　heart　or　else　a　sudden　throbbing；　throbbing；
  throbbing！　　Anton　Antonitch　was　surprised　at　first；　then　he
  frowned；　then　he　reflected；　and　did　after　all　lend　me　the　money；
  receiving　from　me　a　written　authorisation　to　take　from　my　salary
  a　fortnight　later　the　sum　that　he　had　lent　me。　　In　this　way
  everything　was　at　last　ready。　　The　handsome　beaver　replaced　the
  mean…looking　raccoon；　and　I　began　by　degrees　to　get　to　work。　　It
  would　never　have　done　to　act　offhand；　at　random；　the　plan　had　to
  be　carried　out　skilfully；　by　degrees。　　But　I　must　confess　that
  after　many　efforts　I　began　to　despair：　we　simply　could　not　run
  into　each　other。　　I　made　every　preparation；　I　was　quite
  determinedit　seemed　as　though　we　should　run　into　one　another
  directlyand　before　I　knew　what　I　was　doing　I　had　stepped　aside
  for　him　again　and　he　had　passed　without　noticing　me。　　I　even
  prayed　as　I　approached　him　that　God　would　grant　me　determination。
  One　time　I　had　made　up　my　mind　thoroughly；　but　it　ended　in　my
  stumbling　and　falling　at　his　feet　because　at　the　very　last
  instant　when　I　was　six　inches　from　him　my　courage　failed　me。　　He
  very　calmly　stepped　over　me；　while　I　flew　on　one　side　like　a
  ball。　　That　night　I　was　ill　again；　feverish　and　delirious。　　And
  suddenly　it　ended　most　happily。　　The　night　before　I　had　made　up
  my　mind　not　to　carry　out　my　fatal　plan　and　to　abandon　it　all；　and
  with　that　object　I　went　to　the　Nevsky　for　the　last　time；　just　to
  see　how　I　would　abandon　it　all。　　Suddenly；　three　paces　from　my
  enemy；　I　unexpectedly　made　up　my　mindI　closed　my　eyes；　and　we
  ran　full　tilt；　shoulder　to　shoulder；　against　one　another！　　I　did
  not　budge　an　inch　and　passed　him　on　a　perfectly　equal　footing！
  He　did　not　even　look　round　and　pretended　not　to　notice　it；　but　he
  was　only　pretending；　I　am　convinced　of　that。　　I　am　convinced　of
  that　to　this　day！　　Of　course；　I　got　the　worst　of　ithe　was
  stronger；　but　that　was　not　the　point。　　The　point　was　that　I　had
  attained　my　object；　I　had　kept　up　my　dignity；　I　had　not　yielded　a
  step；　and　had　put　myself　publicly　on　an　equal　social　footing　with
  him。　　I　returned　home　feeling　that　I　was　fully　avenged　for
  everything。　　I　was　delighted。　　I　was　triumphant　and　sang　Italian
  arias。　　Of　course；　I　will　not　describe　to　you　what　happened　to　me
  three　days　later；　if　you　have　read　my　first　chapter　you　can　guess
  for　yourself。　　The　officer　was　afterwards　transferred；　I　have　not
  seen　him　now　for　fourteen　years。　　What　is　the　dear　fellow　doing
  now？　　Whom　is　he　walking　over？
  II
  But　the　period　of　my　dissipation　would　end　and　I　always　felt　very
  sick　afterwards。　　It　was　followed　by　remorseI　tried　to　drive　it
  away；　I　felt　too　sick。　　By　degrees；　however；　I　grew　used　to　that
  too。　　I　grew　used　to　everything；　or　rather　I　voluntarily　resigned
  myself　to　enduring　it。　　But　I　had　a　means　of　escape　that
  reconciled　everythingthat　was　to　find　refuge　in　〃the　sublime
  and　the　beautiful；〃　in　dreams；　of　course。　　I　was　a　terrible
  dreamer；　I　would　dream　for　three　months　on　end；　tucked　away　in　my
  corner；　and　you　may　believe　me　that　at　those　moments　I　had　no
  resemblance　to　the　gentleman　who；　in　the　perturbation　of　his
  chicken　heart；　put　a　collar　of　German　beaver　on　his　great…coat。
  I　suddenly　became　a　hero。　　I　would　not　have　admitted　my　six…foot
  lieutenant　even　if　he　had　called　on　me。　　I　could　not　even　picture
  him　before　me　then。　　What　were　my　dreams　and　how　I　could　satisfy
  myself　with　themit　is　hard　to　say　now；　but　at　the　time　I　was
  satisfied　with　them。　　Though；　indeed；　even　now；　I　am　to　some
  extent　satisfied　with　them。　　Dreams　were　particularly　sweet　and
  vivid　after　a　spell　of　dissipation；　they　came　with　remorse　and
  with　tears；　with　curses　and　transports。　　There　were　moments　of
  such　positive　intoxication；　of　such　happiness；　that　there　was　not
  the　faintest　trace　of　irony　within　me；　on　my　honour。　　I　had
  faith；　hope；　love。　　I　believed　blindly　at　such　times　that　by　some
  miracle；　by　some　external　circumstance；　all　this　would　suddenly
  open　out；　expand；　that　suddenly　a　vista　of　suitable
  activitybeneficent；　good；　and；　above　all；　_ready　made_　（what
  sort　of　activity　I　had　no　idea；　but　the　great　thing　was　that　it
  should　be　all　ready　for　me）would　rise　up　before　meand　I
  should　come　out　into　the　light　of　day；　almost　riding　a　white
  horse　and　crowned　with　laurel。　　Anything　but　the　foremost　place　I
  could　not　conceive　for　myself；　and　for　that　very　reason　I　quite
  contentedly　occupied　the　lowest　in　reality。　　Either　to　be　a　hero
  or　to　grovel　in　the　mudthere　was　nothing　between。　　That　was　my
  ruin；　for　when　I　was　in　the　mud　I　comforted　myself　with　the
  thought　that　at　other　times　I　was　a　hero；　and　the　hero　was　a
  cloak　for　the　mud：　for　an　ordinary　man　it　was　shameful　to　defile
  himself；　but　a　hero　was　too　lofty　to　be　utterly　defiled；　and　so
  he　might　defile　himself。　It　is　worth　noting　that　these　attacks　of
  the　〃sublime　and　the　beautiful〃　visited　me　even　during　the　period
  of　dissipation　and　just　at　the　times　when　I　was　touching　the
  bottom。　　They　came　in　separate　spurts；　as　though　reminding　me　of
  themselves；　but　did　not　banish　the　dissipation　by　their
  appearance。　　On　the　contrary；　they　seemed　to　add　a　zest　to　it　by
  contrast；　and　were　only　sufficiently　present　to　serve　as　an
  appetising　sauce。　　That　sauce　was　made　up　of　contradictions　and
  sufferings；　of　agonising　inward　analysis；　and　all　these　pangs　and
  pin…pricks　gave　a　certain　piquancy；　even　a　significance　to　my
  dissipationin　fact；　completely　answered　the　purpose　of　an
  appetising　sauce。　　There　was　a　certain　depth　of　meaning　in　it。
  And　I　could　hardly　have　resigned　myself　to　the　simple；　vulgar；
  direct　debauchery　of　a　clerk　and　have　endured　all　the　filthiness
  of　it。　　What　could　have　allured　me　about　it　then　and　have　drawn
  me　at　night　into　the　street？　　No；　I　had　a　lofty　way　of　getting
  out　of　it　all。
  And　what　loving…kindness；　oh　Lord；　what　loving…kindness　I　felt　at
  times　in　those　dreams　of　mine！　　in　those　〃flights　into　the
  sublime　and　the　beautiful〃；　though　it　was　fantastic　love；　though
  it　was　never　applied　to　anything　human　in　reality；　yet　there　was
  so　much　of　this　love　that　one　did　not　feel　afterwards　even　the
  impulse　to　apply　it　in　reality；　that　would　have　been　superfluous。
  Everything；　however；　passed　satisfactorily　by　a　lazy　and
  fascinating　transition　into　the　sphere　of　art；　that　is；　into　the
  beautiful　forms　of　life；　lying　ready；　largely　stolen　from　the
  poets　and　novelists　and　adapted　to　all　sorts　of　needs　and　uses。
  I；　for　instance；　was　triumphant　over　everyone；　everyone；　of
  course；　was　in　dust　and