for　fear　lest　when　rogues　fell　out；　honest　men　should　come　by　their　own。　　And　so　they　would　have　succeeded　perfectly；　as　they　always　do；　only　that　（as　they　also　always　do）　they　failed　in　one　little　particular；　viz。　that　the　dog　would　not　die；　being　a　water…dog；　but　bit　their　fingers　so　abominably　that　they　were　forced　to　let　him　go；　and　Tom　likewise；　as　British　subjects。　　Whereon　they　recommenced　rapping　for　the　spirits　of　their　fathers；　and　very　much　astonished　the　poor　old　spirits　were　when　they　came；　and　saw　how；　according　to　the　laws　of　Mrs。　Bedonebyasyoudid；　their　descendants　had　weakened　their　constitution　by　hard　living。
  Then　came　Tom　to　the　Island　of　Polupragmosyne　（which　some　call　Rogues'　Harbour；　but　they　are　wrong；　for　that　is　in　the　middle　of　Bramshill　Bushes；　and　the　county　police　have　cleared　it　out　long　ago）。　　There　every　one　knows　his　neighbour's　business　better　than　his　own；　and　a　very　noisy　place　it　is；　as　might　be　expected；　considering　that　all　the　inhabitants　are　EX　OFFICIO　on　the　wrong　side　of　the　house　in　the　〃Parliament　of　Man；　and　the　Federation　of　the　World；〃　and　are　always　making　wry　mouths；　and　crying　that　the　fairies'　grapes　were　sour。
  There　Tom　saw　ploughs　drawing　horses；　nails　driving　hammers；　birds'　nests　taking　boys；　books　making　authors；　bulls　keeping　china…shops；　monkeys　shaving　cats；　dead　dogs　drilling　live　lions；　blind　brigadiers　shelfed　as　principals　of　colleges；　play…actors　not　in　the　least　shelfed　as　popular　preachers；　and；　in　short；　every　one　set　to　do　something　which　he　had　not　learnt；　because　in　what　he　had　learnt；　or　pretended　to　learn；　he　had　failed。
  There　stands　the　Pantheon　of　the　Great　Unsuccessful；　from　the　builders　of　the　Tower　of　Babel　to　those　of　the　Trafalgar　Fountains；　in　which　politicians　lecture　on　the　constitutions　which　ought　to　have　marched；　conspirators　on　the　revolutions　which　ought　to　have　succeeded；　economists　on　the　schemes　which　ought　to　have　made　every　one's　fortune；　and　projectors　on　the　discoveries　which　ought　to　have　set　the　Thames　on　fire。　　There　cobblers　lecture　on　orthopedy　（whatsoever　that　may　be）　because　they　cannot　sell　their　shoes；　and　poets　on　AEsthetics　（whatsoever　that　may　be）　because　they　cannot　sell　their　poetry。　　There　philosophers　demonstrate　that　England　would　be　the　freest　and　richest　country　in　the　world；　if　she　would　only　turn　Papist　again；　penny…a…liners　abuse　the　Times；　because　they　have　not　wit　enough　to　get　on　its　staff；　and　young　ladies　walk　about　with　lockets　of　Charles　the　First's　hair　（or　of　somebody　else's；　when　the　Jews'　genuine　stock　is　used　up）；　inscribed　with　the　neat　and　appropriate　legend　…　which　indeed　is　popular　through　all　that　land；　and　which；　I　hope；　you　will　learn　to　translate　in　due　time　and　to　perpend　likewise：…
  〃VICTRIX　CAUSA　DIIS　PLACUIT；　SED　VICTA　PUELLIS。〃
  When　he　got　into　the　middle　of　the　town；　they　all　set　on　him　at　once；　to　show　him　his　way；　or　rather；　to　show　him　that　he　did　not　know　his　way；　for　as　for　asking　him　what　way　he　wanted　to　go；　no　one　ever　thought　of　that。
  But　one　pulled　him　hither；　and　another　poked　him　thither；　and　a　third　cried　…
  〃You　mustn't　go　west；　I　tell　you；　it　is　destruction　to　go　west。〃
  〃But　I　am　not　going　west；　as　you　may　see；〃　said　Tom。
  And　another；　〃The　east　lies　here；　my　dear；　I　assure　you　this　is　the　east。〃
  〃But　I　don't　want　to　go　east；〃　said　Tom。
  〃Well；　then；　at　all　events；　whichever　way　you　are　going；　you　are　going　wrong；〃　cried　they　all　with　one　voice　…　which　was　the　only　thing　which　they　ever　agreed　about；　and　all　pointed　at　once　to　all　the　thirty…and…two　points　of　the　compass；　till　Tom　thought　all　the　sign…posts　in　England　had　got　together；　and　fallen　fighting。
  And　whether　he　would　have　ever　escaped　out　of　the　town；　it　is　hard　to　say；　if　the　dog　had　not　taken　it　into　his　head　that　they　were　going　to　pull　his　master　in　pieces；　and　tackled　them　so　sharply　about　the　gastrocnemius　muscle；　that　he　gave　them　some　business　of　their　own　to　think　of　at　last；　and　while　they　were　rubbing　their　bitten　calves；　Tom　and　the　dog　got　safe　away。
  On　the　borders　of　that　island　he　found　Gotham；　where　the　wise　men　live；　the　same　who　dragged　the　pond　because　the　moon　had　fallen　into　it；　and　planted　a　hedge　round　the　cuckoo；　to　keep　spring　all　the　year。　　And　he　found　them　bricking　up　the　town　gate；　because　it　was　so　wide　that　little　folks　could　not　get　through。　　And；　when　he　asked　why；　they　told　him　they　were　expanding　their　liturgy。　　So　he　went　on；　for　it　was　no　business　of　his：　　only　he　could　not　help　saying　that　in　his　country；　if　the　kitten　could　not　get　in　at　the　same　hole　as　the　cat；　she　might　stay　outside　and　mew。
  But　he　saw　the　end　of　such　fellows；　when　he　came　to　the　island　of　the　Golden　Asses；　where　nothing　but　thistles　grow。　　For　there　they　were　all　turned　into　mokes　with　ears　a　yard　long；　for　meddling　with　matters　which　they　do　not　understand；　as　Lucius　did　in　the　story。　And　like　him；　mokes　they　must　remain；　till；　by　the　laws　of　development；　the　thistles　develop　into　roses。　　Till　then；　they　must　comfort　themselves　with　the　thought；　that　the　longer　their　ears　are；　the　thicker　their　hides；　and　so　a　good　beating　don't　hurt　them。
  Then　came　Tom　to　the　great　land　of　Hearsay；　in　which　are　no　less　than　thirty　and　odd　kings；　beside　half　a　dozen　Republics；　and　perhaps　more　by　next　mail。
  And　there　he　fell　in　with　a　deep；　dark；　deadly；　and　destructive　war；　waged　by　the　princes　and　potentates　of　those　parts；　both　spiritual　and　temporal；　against　what　do　you　think？　　One　thing　I　am　sure　of。　　That　unless　I　told　you；　you　would　never　know；　nor　how　they　waged　that　war　either；　for　all　their　strategy　and　art　military　consisted　in　the　safe　and　easy　process　of　stopping　their　ears　and　screaming；　〃Oh；　don't　tell　us！〃　and　then　running　away。
  So　when　Tom　came　into　that　land；　he　found　them　all；　high　and　low；　man；　woman；　and　child；　running　for　their　lives　day　and　night　continually；　and　entreating　not　to　be　told　they　didn't　know　what：　only　the　land　being　an　island；　and　they　having　a　dislike　to　the　water　（being　a　musty　lot　for　the　most　part）；　they　ran　round　and　round　the　shore　for　ever；　which　（as　the　island　was　exactly　of　the　same　circumference　as　the　planet　on　which　we　have　the　honour　of　living）　was　hard　work；　especially　to　those　who　had　business　to　look　after。　　But　before　them；　as　bandmaster　and　fugleman；　ran　a　gentleman　shearing　a　pig；　the　melodious　strains　of　which　animal　led　them　for　ever；　if　not　to　conquest；　still　to　flight；　and　kept　up　their　spirits　mightily　with　the　thought　that　they　would　at　least　have　the　pig's　wool　for　their　pains。
  And　running　after　them；　day　and　night；　came　such　a　poor；　lean；　seedy；　hard…worked　old　giant；　as　ought　to　have　been　cockered　up；　and　had　a　good　dinner　given　him；　and　a　good　wife　found　him；　and　been　set　to　play　with　little　children；　and　then　he　would　have　been　a　very　presentable　old　fellow　after　all；　for　he　had　a　heart；　though　it　was　considerably　overgrown　with　brains。
  He　was　made　up　principally　of　fish　bones　and　parchment；　put　together　with　wire　and　Canada　balsam；　and　smelt　strongly　of　spirits；　though　he　never　drank　anything　but　water：　　but　spirits　he　used　somehow；　there　was　no　denying。　　He　had　a　great　pair　of　spectacles　on　his　nose；　and　a　butterfly…net　in　one　hand；　and　a　geological　hammer　in　the　other；　and　was　hung　all　over　with　pockets；　full　of　collecting　boxes；　bottles；　microscopes；　telescopes；　barometers；　ordnance　maps；　scalpels；　forceps；　photographic　apparatus；　and　all　other　tackle　for　finding　out　everything　about　everything；　and　a　little　more　too。　　And；　most　strange　of　all；　he　was　running　not　forwards　but　backwards；　as　fast　as　he　could。
  Away　all　the　good　folks　ran　from　him；　except　Tom；　who　stood　his　ground　and　dodged　between　his　legs；　and　the　giant；　when　he　had　passed　him；　looked　down；　and　cried；　as　if　he　was　quite　pleased　and　comforted；　…
  〃What？　who　are　you？　　And　you　actually　don't　run　away；　like　all　the　rest？〃　　But　he　had　to　take　his　spectacles　off；　Tom　remarked；　in　order　to　see　him　plainly。
  Tom　told　him　who　he　was；　and　the　giant　pulled　out　a　bottle　and　a　cork　instantly；　to　collect　him　with。
  But　Tom　was　too　sharp　for　that；　and　dodged　between　his　legs　and　in　front　of　him；　and　then　the　giant　could　not　see　him　at　all。
  〃No；　no；　no！〃　said　Tom；　〃I've　not　been　round　the　world；　and　through　the　world；　and　up　to　Mother　Carey's　haven；　beside　being　caught　in　a　net　and　called　a　Holothurian　and　a　Cephalopod；　to　be　bottled　up　by　any　old　giant　like　you。〃
  And　when　the　giant　understood　what　a　great　traveller　Tom　had　been；　he　made　a　truce　with　him　at　once；　and　would　have　kept　him　there　to　this　day　to　pick　his　brains；　so　delighted　was　he　at　finding　any　one　to　tell　him　what　he　did　not　know　before。
  〃Ah；　you　lucky　little　dog！〃　said　he　at　last；　quite　simply　…　for　he　was　the　simplest；　pleasantest；　honestest；　kindliest　old　Dominie　Sampson　of　a　giant　that　ever　turned　the　world　upside　down　without　intending　it　…　〃ah；　you　lucky　little　dog！　　If　I　had　only　been　where　you　have　been；　to　see　what　you　have　seen！〃
  〃Well；〃　said　Tom；　〃if　you　want　to　do　that；　you　had　best　put　your　head　under　water　for　a　few　hours；　as　I　did；　and　turn　into　a　water…　baby；　or　some　other　baby；　and　then　you　might　have　a　chance。〃
  〃Turn　into　a　baby；　eh？　　If　I　could