第 23 节
作者:连过十一人      更新:2021-02-27 02:16      字数:9319
  There will be no profit in following Mr。 〃Tiger〃
  McQuirk through his further vagaries of that day
  until he comes to stand knocking at the door of Annie
  Maria Doyle。  The goddess Eastre; it seems; had
  guided his footsteps aright at last。
  〃Is that you now; Jimmy McQuirk?〃 she cried;
  smiling through the opened door (Annie Maria had
  never accepted the 〃Tiger〃)。  〃Well; whatever!〃
  〃Come out in the ball;〃 said Mr。 McQuirk。  〃I
  want to ask yer opinion of the weather … on the
  level。〃
  〃Are you crazy; sure?〃 said Annie Maria。
  〃I am;〃 said the 〃Tiger。〃  〃They've been telling
  me all day there was spring in the air。  Were they
  liars?  Or am I?〃
  〃Dear me!〃 said Annie Maria   〃haven't you no…
  ticed it?  I can almost smell the violets。  And the
  green grass。  Of course; there ain't any yet  it's
  just a kind of feeling; you know。〃
  〃That's what I'm getting at;〃 said Mr。 McQuirk。
  I've had it。 I didn't recognize it at first。 I
  thought maybe it was en…wee; contracted the other
  day when I stepped above Fourteenth Street。  But
  the katzenjammer I've got don't spell violets。  It
  spells yer own name; Annie Maria; and it's you I
  want。  I go to work next Monday; and I make four
  dollars a day。  Spiel up; old girl  do we make a
  team?〃
  〃Jimmy;〃 sighed Annie Maria; suddenly disap…
  pearing in his overcoat; 〃don't you see that spring
  is all over the world right this minute?〃
  But you yourself remember how that day ended。
  Beginning with so fine a promise of vernal things;
  late in the afternoon the air chilled and an inch of
  snow fell  even so late in March。  On Fifth Ave…
  nue the ladies drew their winter furs close about
  them。  Only in the florists' windows could be per…
  ceived any signs of the morning smile of the coming
  goddess Eastre。
  At six o'clock Herr Lutz began to close his shop。
  He beard a well…known shout: 〃Hello; Dutch!〃
  〃Tiger〃 McQuirk; in his shirt…sleeves; with his
  hat on the back of his bead; stood outside in the
  whirling snow; puffing at a black cigar。
  〃Donnerwetter!〃 shouted Lutz; 〃der vinter; he
  has gome back again yet!〃
  〃Yer a liar; Dutch;〃 called back Mr。 McQuirk;
  with friendly geniality; it's springtime; by the
  watch。〃
  THE FOOL…KILLER
  Down South whenever any one perpetrates some
  particularly monumental piece of foolishness every…
  body says: 〃Send for Jesse Holmes。〃
  Jesse Holmes is the Fool…Killer。  Of course he is a
  myth; like Santa Claus and Jack Frost and General
  Prosperity and all those concrete conceptions that
  are supposed to represent an idea that Nature has
  failed to embody。  The wisest of the Southrons can…
  not tell you whence comes the Fool…Killer's name;
  but few and happy are the households from the Ro…
  anoke to the Rio Grande in which the name of Jesse
  Holmes has not been pronounced or invoked。  Always
  with a smile; and often with a tear; is he summoned
  to his official duty。  A busy man is Jesse Holmes。
  I remember the clear picture of him that hung on
  the walls of my fancy during my barefoot days when
  I was dodging his oft…threatened devoirs。  To me
  be was a terrible old man; in gray clothes; with a
  long; ragged; gray beard; and reddish; fierce eyes。
  I looked to see him come stumping up the road in
  a cloud of dust; with a white oak staff in his hand
  and his shoes tied with leather thongs。  I may
  yet
  But this is a story; not a sequel。
  I have taken notice with regret; that few stories
  worth reading have been written that did not con…
  tain drink of some sort。  Down go the fluids; from
  Arizona Dick's three fingers of red pizen to the in…
  efficacious Oolong that nerves Lionel Montressor to
  repartee in the 〃Dotty Dialogues。〃 So; in such
  good company I may introduce an absinthe drip
  one absinthe drip; dripped through a silver dripper;
  orderly; opalescent; cool; green…eyed  deceptive。
  Kerner was a fool。  Besides that; he was an artist
  and my good friend。  Now; if there is one thing on
  earth utterly despicable to another; it is an artist
  in the eyes of an author whose story he has illus…
  trated。 Just try it once。 Write a story about a
  mining camp in Idiho。  Sell it。  Spend the money;
  and then; six months later; borrow a quarter (or
  a dime); and buy the magazine containing it。  You
  find a full…page wash drawing of your hero; Black
  Bill; the cowboy。  Somewhere in your story you em…
  ployed the word 〃horse。〃  Aha! the artist has
  grasped the idea。   Black Bill has on the regulation
  trousers of the M。 F。 H。 of the Westchester County
  Hunt。 He carries a parlor rifle; and wears a mon…
  ocle。  In the distance is a section of Forty…second
  Street during a search for a lost gas…pipe; and the
  Taj Mahal; the famous mausoleum in India。
  〃Enough! I hated Kerner; and one day I met him
  and we became friends。  He was young and glori…
  ously melancholy because his spirits were so high
  and life bad so much in store for him。  Yes; he was
  almost riotously sad。  That was his youth。  When a
  man begins to be hilarious in a sorrowful way you
  can bet a million that he is dyeing his hair。  Ker…
  ner's hair was plentiful and carefully matted as an
  artist's thatch should be。  He was a cigaretteur; and
  be audited his dinners with red wine。  But; most of
  all; be was a fool。  And; wisely; I envied him; and
  listened patiently while he knocked Velasquez and
  Tintoretto。  Once he told me that he liked a story of
  mine that he bad come across in an anthology。  He
  described it to me; and I was sorry that Mr。 Fitz…
  James O'Brien was dead and could not learn of the
  eulogy of his work。  But mostly Kerner made few
  breaks and was a consistent fool。
  I'd better explain what I mean by that。  There
  was a girl。  Now; a girl; as far as I am concerned;
  is a thing that belongs in a seminary or an album;
  but I conceded the existence of the animal in order
  to retain Kerner's friendship。  He showed me her
  picture in a locket  she was a blonde or a brunette
  I have forgotten which。  She worked in a factory
  for eight dollars a week。  Lest factories quote this
  wage by way of vindication; I will add that the girl
  bad worked for five years to reach that supreme ele…
  vation of remuneration; beginning at 1。50 per week。
  Kerner's father was worth a couple of millions
  He was willing to stand for art; but he drew the
  line at the factory girl。  So Kerner disinherited his
  father and walked out to a cheap studio and lived
  on sausages for breakfast and on Farroni for dinner。
  Farroni had the artistic soul and a line of credit for
  painters and poets; nicely adjusted。  Sometimes Ker…
  rier sold a picture and bought some new tapestry; a
  ring and a dozen silk cravats; and paid Farroni
  two dollars on account。
  One evening Kerner had me to dinner with himself
  and the factory girl。  They were to be married as
  soon as Kerner could slosh paint profitably。  As for
  the ex…father's two millions  pouf!
  She was a wonder。  Small and half…way pretty;
  and as much at her ease in that cheap cafe as though
  she were only in the Palmer House; Chicago; with a
  souvenir spoon already safely hidden in her shirt
  waist。  She was natural。  Two things I noticed about
  her especially。  Her belt buckle was exactly in the
  middle of her back; and she didn't tell us that a large
  man with a ruby stick…pin had followed her up all the
  way from Fourteenth Street。  Was Kerner such a fool?
  I wondered。  And then I thought of the quantity of
  striped cuffs and blue glass beads that 2;000;000
  can buy for the heathen; and I said to myself that he
  was。  And then Elise  certainly that was her name
  told us; merrily; that the brown spot on her waist
  was caused by her landlady knocking at the door
  while she (the girl  confound the English language)
  was heating an iron over the gas jet; and she hid the
  iron under the bedclothes until the coast was clear;
  and there was the piece of chewing gum stuck
  to it when she began to iron the waist; and  well;
  I wondered bow in the world the chewing gum
  came to be there  don't they ever stop chewing
  it?
  A while after that  don't be impatient; the ab…
  sinthe drip is coming now  Kerner and I were dining
  at Farroni's。  A mandolin and a guitar were being
  attacked; the room was full of smoke in nice; long
  crinkly layers just like the artists draw the steam
  from a plum pudding on Christmas posters; and a
  lady in a blue silk and gasolined gauntlets was be…
  ginning to bum an air from the Catskills。
  〃Kerner;〃 said I; 〃you are a fool。〃
  〃Of course;〃 said Kerner; 〃I wouldn't let her go
  on working。  Not my wife。  What's the use to wait?
  She's willing。  I sold that water color of the Pali…
  sades yesterday。  We could cook on a two…burner gas
  stove。  You know the ragouts I can throw together?
  Yes; I think we will marry next week。〃
  〃Kerner;〃 said I; 〃you are a fool。〃
  〃Have an absinthe