第 38 节
作者:浮游云中      更新:2021-02-24 23:06      字数:9322
  expect to travel too fast with her。  Had he not at least gained a signal
  victory?  When he remembered her lipswhich she had indubitably given
  him!he increased his stride; and in what seemed an incredibly brief
  time he had recrossed the bridge; covered the long residential blocks of
  Warren Street; and gained his own door。
  The house was quiet; the children having gone to bed; and he groped his
  way through the dark parlour to his den; turning on the electric switch;
  sinking into an armchair; and lighting a cigar。  He liked this room of
  his; which still retained something of that flavour of a refuge and
  sanctuary it had so eminently possessed in the now forgotten days of
  matrimonial conflict。  One of the few elements of agreement he had held
  in common with the late Mrs。 Ditmar was a similarity of taste in
  household decoration; and they had gone together to a great emporium in
  Boston to choose the furniture and fittings。  The lamp in the centre of
  the table was a bronze column supporting a hemisphere of heavy red and
  emerald glass; the colours woven into an intricate and bizarre design;
  after the manner of the art nouveauso the zealous salesman had informed
  them。  Cora Ditmar; when exhibiting this lamp to admiring visitors; had
  remembered the phrase; though her pronunciation of it; according to the
  standard of the Sorbonne; left something to be desired。  The table and
  chairs; of heavy; shiny oak marvellously and precisely carved by
  machines; matched the big panels of the wainscot。  The windows were high
  in the wall; thus preventing any intrusion from the clothes…yard on which
  they looked。  The bookcases; protected by leaded panes; held countless
  volumes of the fiction from which Cora Ditmar had derived her knowledge
  of the great world outside of Hampton; together with certain sets she had
  bought; not only as ornaments; but with a praiseworthy view to future
  culture;such as Whitmarsh's Library of the Best Literature。  These
  volumes; alas; were still uncut; but some of the pages of the novelsif
  one cared to open themwere stained with chocolate。  The steam radiator
  was a decoration in itself; the fireplace set in the red and yellow tiles
  that made the hearth。  Above the oak mantel; in a gold frame; was a large
  coloured print of a Magdalen; doubled up in grief; with a glory of loose;
  Titian hair; chosen by Ditmar himself as expressing the nearest possible
  artistic representation of his ideal of the female form。  Cora Ditmar's
  objections on the score of voluptuousness and of insufficient clothing
  had been vain。  She had recognized no immorality of sentimentality in the
  art itself; what she felt; and with some justice; was that this
  particular Magdalen was unrepentant; and that Ditmar knew it。  And the
  picture remained an offence to her as long as she lived。  Formerly he had
  enjoyed the contemplation of this figure; reminding him; as it did; of
  mellowed moments in conquests of the past; suggesting also possibilities
  of the future。  For he had been quick to discount the attitude of bowed
  despair; the sop flung by a sensuous artist to Christian orthodoxy。  He
  had been sceptical about despairfeminine despair; which could always be
  cured by gifts and baubles。  But to…night; as he raised his eyes; he felt
  a queer sensation marring the ecstatic perfection of his mood。  That
  quality in the picture which so long had satisfied and entranced him had
  now become repellent; an ugly significant reflection of something
  something in himself he was suddenly eager to repudiate and deny。
  It was with a certain amazement that he found himself on his feet with
  the picture in his hand; gazing at the empty space where it had hung。
  For he had had no apparent intention of obeying that impulse。  What
  should he do with it?  Light the fire and burn itframe and all?  The
  frame was an integral part of it。  What would his housekeeper say?  But
  now that he had actually removed it from the wall he could not replace
  it; so he opened the closet door and thrust it into a corner among relics
  which had found refuge there。  He had put his past in the closet; yet the
  relief he felt was mingled with the peculiar qualm that follows the
  discovery of symptoms never before remarked。  Why should this woman have
  this extraordinary effect of making him dissatisfied with himself?  He
  sat down again and tried to review the affair from that first day when he
  had surprised in her eyes the flame dwelling in her。  She had completely
  upset his life; increasingly distracted his mind until now he could
  imagine no peace unless he possessed her。  Hitherto he had recognized in
  his feeling for her nothing but that same desire he had had for other
  women; intensified to a degree never before experienced。  But this sudden
  access of moralityhe did not actually define it as suchwas
  disquieting。  And in the feverish; semi…objective survey he was now
  making of his emotional tract he was discovering the presence of other
  disturbing symptoms such as an unwonted tenderness; a consideration
  almost amounting to pity which at times he had vaguely sensed yet never
  sought imaginatively to grasp。  It bewildered him by hampering a
  ruthlessness hitherto absolute。  The fierceness of her inflamed his
  passion; yet he recognized dimly behind this fierceness an instinct of
  selfprotectionand he thought of her in this moment as a struggling bird
  that fluttered out of his hands when they were ready to close over her。
  So it had been to…night。  He might have kept her; prevented her from
  taking the car。  Yet he had let her go!  There came again; utterly to
  blot this out; the memory of her lips。
  Even then; there had been something sorrowful in that kiss; a quality he
  resented as troubling; a flavour that came to him after the wildness was
  spent。  What was she struggling against?  What was behind her resistance?
  She loved him!  It had never before occurred to him to enter into the
  nature of her feelings; having been so preoccupied with and tortured by
  his own。  This realization; that she loved him; as it persisted; began to
  make him uneasy; though it should; according to all experience; have been
  a reason for sheer exultation。  He began to see that with her it involved
  complications; responsibilities; disclosures; perhaps all of those things
  he had formerly avoided and resented in woman。  He thought of certain
  friends of his who had become tangled upof one in particular whose bank
  account had been powerless to extricate him。。。。  And he was ashamed of
  himself。
  In view of the nature of his sex experience; of his habit of applying his
  imagination solely to matters of business rather than to affairs of the
  heart;if his previous episodes may be so designated;his failure to
  surmise that a wish for marriage might be at the back of her resistance
  is not so surprising as it may seem; he laid down; half smoked; his third
  cigar。  The suspicion followed swiftly on his recalling to mind her
  vehement repudiation of his proffered gifts did he think she wanted what
  he could buy for her!  She was not purchasablethat way。  He ought to
  have known it; he hadn't realized what he was saying。  But marriage!
  Literally it had never occurred to him to image her in a relation he
  himself associated with shackles。  One of the unconscious causes of his
  fascination was just her emancipation from and innocence of that herd…
  convention to which most womeneven those who lack wedding ringsare
  slaves。  The force of such an appeal to a man of Ditmar's type must not
  be underestimated。  And the idea that she; too; might prefer the sanction
  of the law; the gilded cage as a popular song which once had taken his
  fancy illuminatingly expressed itseemed utterly incongruous with the
  freedom and daring of her spirit; was a sobering shock。  Was he prepared
  to marry her; if he could obtain her in no other way?  The question
  demanded a survey of his actual position of which he was at the moment
  incapable。  There were his children!  He had never sought to arrive at
  even an approximate estimate of the boy and girl as factors in his life;
  to consider his feelings toward them; but now; though he believed himself
  a man who gave no weight to social considerationshe had scorned this
  tendency in his wifehe was to realize the presence of ambitions for
  them。  He was young; he was astonishingly successful; he had reason to
  think; with his opportunities and the investments he already had made;
  that he might some day be moderately rich; and he had at times even
  imagined himself in later life as the possessor of one of those elaborate
  country places to be glimpsed from the high roads in certain localities;
  which the sophisticated are able to recognize as the seats of the
  socially ineligible; but which to Ditmar were outward and visible emblems
  of success。  He liked to think of George as the inheritor of such a
  place; as the son of a millionaire; as a 〃college graduate;〃 as an
  influential man of affairs; he liked to imagine Amy as the wife of such
  another。  In short; Ditmar's wife had left him; as an unconscious legacy;
  her aspirations for their children's social prestige。。。。
  The polished oak grandfather's clock in the hall had struck one before he
  went to bed; menta