and　was　forced　for　a　time　to　leave　it。　Even　if　I　had　lingered　on
  like　that；　in　ten　or　twelve　years　I　might　（with　luck）　hope　to　be
  some　sort　of　teacher　or　clerk　with　a　salary　of　a　thousand　roubles〃　（he
  repeated　it　as　though　it　were　a　lesson）　〃and　by　that　time　my　mother
  would　be　worn　out　with　grief　and　anxiety　and　I　could　not　succeed　in
  keeping　her　in　comfort　while　my　sister。。。　well；　my　sister　might　well
  have　fared　worse！　And　it's　a　hard　thing　to　pass　everything　by　all
  one's　life；　to　turn　one's　back　upon　everything；　to　forget　one's　mother
  and　decorously　accept　the　insults　inflicted　on　one's　sister。　Why
  should　one？　When　one　has　buried　them　to　burden　oneself　with　others…
  wife　and　children…　and　to　leave　them　again　without　a　farthing？　So　I
  resolved　to　gain　possession　of　the　old　woman's　money　and　to　use　it　for
  my　first　years　without　worrying　my　mother；　to　keep　myself　at　the
  university　and　for　a　little　while　after　leaving　it…　and　to　do　this　all
  on　a　broad；　thorough　scale；　so　as　to　build　up　a　completely　new
  career　and　enter　upon　a　new　life　of　independence。。。。　Well。。。　that's
  all。。。。　Well；　of　course　in　killing　the　old　woman　I　did　wrong。。。。　Well；
  that's　enough。〃
  He　struggled　to　the　end　of　his　speech　in　exhaustion　and　let　his　head
  sink。
  〃Oh；　that's　not　it；　that's　not　it；〃　Sonia　cried　in　distress。　〃How
  could　one。。。　no；　that's　not　right；　not　right。〃
  〃You　see　yourself　that　it's　not　right。　But　I've　spoken　truly；　it's
  the　truth。〃
  〃As　though　that　could　be　the　truth！　Good　God！〃
  〃I've　only　killed　a　louse；　Sonia；　a　useless；　loathsome；　harmful
  creature。〃
  〃A　human　being…　a　louse！〃
  〃I　too　know　it　wasn't　a　louse；〃　he　answered；　looking　strangely　at
  her。　〃But　I　am　talking　nonsense；　Sonia；〃　he　added。　〃I've　been
  talking　nonsense　a　long　time。。。。　That's　not　it；　you　are　right　there。
  There　were　quite；　quite　other　causes　for　it！　I　haven't　talked　to
  anyone　for　so　long；　Sonia。。。。　My　head　aches　dreadfully　now。〃
  His　eyes　shone　with　feverish　brilliance。　He　was　almost　delirious；　an
  uneasy　smile　strayed　on　his　lips。　His　terrible　exhaustion　could　be
  seen　through　his　excitement。　Sonia　saw　how　he　was　suffering。　She　too
  was　growing　dizzy。　And　he　talked　so　strangely；　it　seemed　somehow
  comprehensible；　but　yet。。。　〃But　how；　how！　Good　God！〃　And　she　wrung　her
  hands　in　despair。
  〃No；　Sonia；　that's　not　it；〃　he　began　again　suddenly；　raising　his
  head；　as　though　a　new　and　sudden　train　of　thought　had　struck　and　as　it
  were　roused　him…　〃that's　not　it！　Better。。。　imagine…　yes；　it's
  certainly　better…　imagine　that　I　am　vain；　envious；　malicious；　base；
  vindictive　and。。。　well；　perhaps　with　a　tendency　to　insanity。　（Let's
  have　it　all　out　at　once！　They've　talked　of　madness　already；　I
  noticed。）　I　told　you　just　now　I　could　not　keep　myself　at　the
  university。　But　do　you　know　that　perhaps　I　might　have　done？　My
  mother　would　have　sent　me　what　I　needed　for　the　fees　and　I　could
  have　earned　enough　for　clothes；　boots　and　food；　no　doubt。　Lessons
  had　turned　up　at　half　a　rouble。　Razumihin　works！　But　I　turned　sulky
  and　wouldn't。　（Yes；　sulkiness；　that's　the　right　word　for　it！）　I　sat　in
  my　room　like　a　spider。　You've　been　in　my　den；　you've　seen　it。。。。　And
  do　you　know；　Sonia；　that　low　ceilings　and　tiny　rooms　cramp　the　soul
  and　the　mind？　Ah；　how　I　hated　that　garret！　And　yet　I　wouldn't　go　out
  of　it！　I　wouldn't　on　purpose！　I　didn't　go　out　for　days　together；　and　I
  wouldn't　work；　I　wouldn't　even　eat；　I　just　lay　there　doing　nothing。　If
  Nastasya　brought　me　anything；　I　ate　it；　if　she　didn't；　I　went　all
  day　without；　I　wouldn't　ask；　on　purpose；　from　sulkiness！　At　night　I
  had　no　light；　I　lay　in　the　dark　and　I　wouldn't　earn　money　for　candles。
  I　ought　to　have　studied；　but　I　sold　my　books；　and　the　dust　lies　an
  inch　thick　on　the　notebooks　on　my　table。　I　preferred　lying　still　and
  thinking。　And　I　kept　thinking。。。。　And　I　had　dreams　all　the　time；
  strange　dreams　of　all　sorts；　no　need　to　describe！　Only　then　I　began　to
  fancy　that。。。　No；　that's　not　it！　Again　I　am　telling　you　wrong！　You　see
  I　kept　asking　myself　then：　why　am　I　so　stupid　that　if　others　are
  stupid…　and　I　know　they　are…　yet　I　won't　be　wiser？　Then　I　saw；
  Sonia；　that　if　one　waits　for　every　one　to　get　wiser　it　will　take　too
  long。。。。　Afterwards　I　understood　that　that　would　never　come　to　pass；
  that　men　won't　change　and　that　nobody　can　alter　it　and　that　it's　not
  worth　wasting　effort　over　it。　Yes；　that's　so。　That's　the　law　of
  their　nature；　Sonia；。。。　that's　so！。。。　And　I　know　now；　Sonia；　that
  whoever　is　strong　in　mind　and　spirit　will　have　power　over　them。　Anyone
  who　is　greatly　daring　is　right　in　their　eyes。　He　who　despises　most
  things　will　be　a　lawgiver　among　them　and　he　who　dares　most　of　all　will
  be　most　in　the　right！　So　it　has　been　till　now　and　so　it　will　always
  be。　A　man　must　be　blind　not　to　see　it！〃
  Though　Raskolnikov　looked　at　Sonia　as　he　said　this；　he　no　longer
  cared　whether　she　understood　or　not。　The　fever　had　complete　hold　of
  him；　he　was　in　a　sort　of　gloomy　ecstasy　（he　certainly　had　been　too
  long　without　talking　to　anyone）。　Sonia　felt　that　his　gloomy　creed
  had　become　his　faith　and　code。
  〃I　divined　then；　Sonia；〃　he　went　on　eagerly；　〃that　power　is　only
  vouchsafed　to　the　man　who　dares　to　stoop　and　pick　it　up。　There　is　only
  one　thing；　one　thing　needful：　one　has　only　to　dare！　Then　for　the　first
  time　in　my　life　an　idea　took　shape　in　my　mind　which　no　one　had　ever
  thought　of　before　me；　no　one！　I　saw　clear　as　daylight　how　strange　it
  is　that　not　a　single　person　living　in　this　mad　world　has　had　the
  daring　to　go　straight　for　it　all　and　send　it　flying　to　the　devil！　I。。。
  I　wanted　to　have　the　daring。。。　and　I　killed　her。　I　only　wanted　to　have
  the　daring；　Sonia！　That　was　the　whole　cause　of　it！〃
  〃Oh　hush；　hush；〃　cried　Sonia；　clasping　her　hands。　〃You　turned　away
  from　God　and　God　has　smitten　you；　has　given　you　over　to　the　devil！〃
  〃Then　Sonia；　when　I　used　to　lie　there　in　the　dark　and　all　this
  became　clear　to　me；　was　it　a　temptation　of　the　devil；　eh？〃
  〃Hush；　don't　laugh；　blasphemer！　You　don't　understand；　you　don't
  understand！　Oh　God！　He　won't　understand！〃
  〃Hush；　Sonia！　I　am　not　laughing。　I　know　myself　that　it　was　the　devil
  leading　me。　Hush；　Sonia；　hush！〃　he　repeated　with　gloomy　insistence。　〃I
  know　it　all；　I　have　thought　it　all　over　and　over　and　whispered　it
  all　over　to　myself；　lying　there　in　the　dark。。。。　I've　argued　it　all
  over　with　myself；　every　point　of　it；　and　I　know　it　all；　all！　And　how
  sick；　how　sick　I　was　then　of　going　over　it　all！　I　have　kept　wanting　to
  forget　it　and　make　a　new　beginning；　Sonia；　and　leave　off　thinking。　And
  you　don't　suppose　that　I　went　into　it　headlong　like　a　fool？　I　went
  into　it　like　a　wise　man；　and　that　was　just　my　destruction。　And　you
  mustn't　suppose　that　I　didn't　know；　for　instance；　that　if　I　began　to
  question　myself　whether　I　had　the　right　to　gain　power…　I　certainly
  hadn't　the　right…　or　that　if　I　asked　myself　whether　a　human　being　is　a
  louse　it　proved　that　it　wasn't　so　for　me；　though　it　might　be　for　a　man
  who　would　go　straight　to　his　goal　without　asking　questions。。。。　If　I
  worried　myself　all　those　days；　wondering　whether　Napoleon　would　have
  done　it　or　not；　I　felt　clearly　of　course　that　I　wasn't　Napoleon。　I　had
  to　endure　all　the　agony　of　that　battle　of　ideas；　Sonia；　and　I　longed
  to　throw　it　off：　I　wanted　to　murder　without　casuistry；　to　murder　for
  my　own　sake；　for　myself　alone！　I　didn't　want　to　lie　about　it　even　to
  myself。　It　wasn't　to　help　my　mother　I　did　the　murder…　that's　nonsense…
  I　didn't　do　the　murder　to　gain　wealth　and　power　and　to　become　a
  benefactor　of　mankind。　Nonsense！　I　simply　did　it；　I　did　the　murder　for
  myself；　for　myself　alone；　and　whether　I　became　a　benefactor　to　others；
  or　spent　my　life　like　a　spider　cat