Fourth　Day
  THE　EUROPEAN　WAR！
  NO　BATTLE　YET！！
  THE　TROOPS　GROWING　OLD！
  BUT　BITTER　STRIFE　IMMINENT！
  PRODIGIOUS　EXCITEMENT！
  THE　INVASIONS　SUCCESSFULLY　ACCOMPLISHED
  AND　THE　INVADERS　SAFE！
  RUSSIA　SIDES　WITH　BOTH　SIDES
  ENGLAND　WILL　FIGHT　BOTH！
  LONDON；　Friday。
  No　battle　has　been　fought　thus　far；　but　a　million　impetuous　soldiers　are
  gritting　their　teeth　at　each　other　across　the　border；　and　the　most
  serious　fears　entertained　that　if　they　do　not　die　of　old　age　first；　there
  will　be　bloodshed　in　this　war　yet。
  The　prodigious　patriotic　excitement　goes　on。　　In　Prussia；　per　Prussian
  telegrams；　though　contradicted　from　France。　　In　France；　per　French
  telegrams；　though　contradicted　from　Prussia。
  The　Prussian　invasion　of　France　was　a　magnificent　success。　　The　military
  failed　to　find　the　French；　but　made　good　their　return　to　Prussia　without
  the　loss　of　a　single　man。　　The　French　invasion　of　Prussia　is　also
  demonstrated　to　have　been　a　brilliant　and　successful　achievement。　　The
  army　failed　to　find　the　Prussians；　but　made　good　their　return　to　the
  Vaterland　without　bloodshed；　after　having　invaded　as　much　as　they　wanted
  to。
  There　is　glorious　news　from　Russia　to　the　effect　that　she　will　side　with
  both　sides。
  Also　from　Englandshe　will　fight　both　sides。
  。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
  LONDON；　Thursday　evening。
  I　rushed　over　too　soon。　　I　shall　return　home　on　Tuesday's　steamer　and
  wait　until　the　war　begins。　　　　　　　　　M。　T。
  THE　WILD　MAN　INTERVIEWED
  ＇From　the　Buffalo　Express；　September　18；　1869。＇
  There　has　been　so　much　talk　about　the　mysterious　〃wild　man〃　out　there　in
  the　West　for　some　time；　that　I　finally　felt　it　was　my　duty　to　go　out　and
  interview　him。　　There　was　something　peculiarly　and　touchingly　romantic
  about　the　creature　and　his　strange　actions；　according　to　the　newspaper
  reports。　　He　was　represented　as　being　hairy；　long…armed；　and　of　great
  strength　and　stature；　ugly　and　cumbrous；　avoiding　men；　but　appearing
  suddenly　and　unexpectedly　to　women　and　children；　going　armed　with　a　club；
  but　never　molesting　any　creature；　except　sheep；　or　other　prey；　fond　of
  eating　and　drinking；　and　not　particular　about　the　quality；　quantity；　or
  character　of　the　beverages　and　edibles；　living　in　the　woods　like　a　wild
  beast；　but　never　angry；　moaning；　and　sometimes　howling；　but　never
  uttering　articulate　sounds。
  Such　was　〃Old　Shep〃　as　the　papers　painted　him。　　I　felt　that　the　story　of
  his　life　must　be　a　sad　onea　story　of　suffering；　disappointment；　and
  exilea　story　of　man's　inhumanity　to　man　in　some　shape　or　otherand　I
  longed　to　persuade　the　secret　from　him。
  。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
  〃Since　you　say　you　are　a　member　of　the　press；〃　said　the　wild　man；　〃I　am
  willing　to　tell　you　all　you　wish　to　know。　　Bye　and　bye　you　will
  comprehend　why　it　is　that　I　wish　to　unbosom　myself　to　a　newspaper　man
  when　I　have　so　studiously　avoided　conversation　with　other　people。　　I　will
  now　unfold　my　strange　story。　　I　was　born　with　the　world　we　live　upon；
  almost。　　I　am　the　son　of　Cain。〃
  〃What？〃
  〃I　was　present　when　the　flood　was　announced。〃
  〃Which？〃
  〃I　am　the　father　of　the　Wandering　Jew。〃
  〃Sir？〃
  I　moved　out　of　range　of　his　club；　and　went　on　taking　notes；　but　keeping　a
  wary　eye　on　him　all　the　while。　　He　smiled　a　melancholy　smile　and　resumed：
  〃When　I　glance　back　over　the　dreary　waste　of　ages；　I　see　many　a
  glimmering　and　mark　that　is　familiar　to　my　memory。　　And　oh；　the　leagues
  I　have　travelled！　the　things　I　have　seen！　the　events　I　have　helped　to
  emphasise！　　I　was　at　the　assassination　of　Caesar。　　I　marched　upon　Mecca
  with　Mahomet。　　I　was　in　the　Crusades；　and　stood　with　Godfrey　when　he
  planted　the　banner　of　the　cross　on　the　battlements　of　Jerusalem。　　I〃
  〃One　moment；　please。　　Have　you　given　these　items　to　any　other　journal？
  Can　I〃
  〃Silence。　　I　was　in　the　Pinta's　shrouds　with　Columbus　when　America　burst
  upon　his　vision。　I　saw　Charles　I　beheaded。　　I　was　in　London　when　the
  Gunpowder　Plot　was　discovered。　　I　was　present　at　the　trial　of　Warren
  Hastings。　　I　was　on　American　soil　when　the　battle　of　Lexington　was　fought
  when　the　declaration　was　promulgatedwhen　Cornwallis　surrendered
  When　Washington　died。　　I　entered　Paris　with　Napoleon　after　Elba。　　I　was
  present　when　you　mounted　your　guns　and　manned　your　fleets　for　the　war　of
  1812when　the　South　fired　upon　Sumterwhen　Richmond　fellwhen　the
  President's　life　was　taken。　　In　all　the　ages　I　have　helped　to　celebrate
  the　triumphs　of　genius；　the　achievements　of　arms；　the　havoc　of　storm；
  fire；　pestilence；　famine。〃
  〃Your　career　has　been　a　stirring　one。　　Might　I　ask　how　you　came　to　locate
  in　these　dull　Kansas　woods；　when　you　have　been　so　accustomed　to
  excitement　during　what　I　might　term　so　protracted　a　period；　not　to　put
  too　fine　a　point　on　it？〃
  〃Listen。　　Once　I　was　the　honoured　servitor　of　the　noble　and　illustrious〃
  （here　he　heaved　a　sigh；　and　passed　his　hairy　hand　across　his　eyes）　〃but
  in　these　degenerate　days　I　am　become　the　slave　of　quack　doctors　and
  newspapers。　　I　am　driven　from　pillar　to　post　and　hurried　up　and　down；
  sometimes　with　stencil…plate　and　paste…brush　to　defile　the　fences　with
  cabalistic　legends；　and　sometimes　in　grotesque　and　extravagant　character
  at　the　behest　of　some　driving　journal。　　I　attended　to　that　Ocean　Bank
  robbery　some　weeks　ago；　when　I　was　hardly　rested　from　finishing　up　the
  pow…wow　about　the　completion　of　the　Pacific　Railroad；　immediately　I　was
  spirited　off　to　do　an　atrocious；　murder　for　the　benefit　of　the　New　York
  papers；　next　to　attend　the　wedding　of　a　patriarchal　millionaire；　next　to
  raise　a　hurrah　about　the　great　boat　race；　and　then；　just　when　I　had　begun
  to　hope　that　my　old　bones　would　have　a　rest；　I　am　bundled　off　to　this
  howling　wilderness　to　strip；　and　jibber；　and　be　ugly　and　hairy；　and　pull
  down　fences　and　waylay　sheep；　and　waltz　around　with　a　club；　and　play
  'Wild　Man'　generallyand　all　to　gratify　the　whim　of　a　bedlam　of　crazy
  newspaper　scribblers？　　From　one　end　of　the　continent　to　the　other；　I　am
  described　as　a　gorilla；　with　a　sort　of　human　seeming　about　meand　all　to
  gratify　this　quill…driving　scum　of　the　earth！〃
  〃Poor　old　carpet　bagger！〃
  〃I　have　been　served　infamously；　often；　in　modern　and　semi…modern　times。
  I　have　been　compelled　by　base　men　to　create　fraudulent　history；　and　to
  perpetrate　all　sorts　of　humbugs。　　I　wrote　those　crazy　Junius　letters；　I
  moped　in　a　French　dungeon　for　fifteen　years；　and　wore　a　ridiculous　Iron
  Mask；　I　poked　around　your　Northern　forests；　among　your　vagabond　Indians；
  a　solemn　French　idiot；　personating　the　ghost　of　a　dead　Dauphin；　that　the
  gaping　world　might　wonder　if　we　had　'a　Bourbon　among　us'；　I　have　played
  sea…serpent　off　Nahant；　and　Woolly…Horse　and　What…is…it　for　the　museums；
  I　have　interviewed　politicians　for　the　Sun；　worked　up　all　manner　of
  miracles　for　the　Herald；　ciphered　up　election　returns　for　the　World；
  and　thundered　Political　Economy　through　the　Tribune。　　I　have　done　all　the
  extravagant　things　that　the　wildest　invention　could　contrive；　and　done
  them　well；　and　this　is　my　rewardplaying　Wild　Man　in　Kansas　without　a
  shirt！〃
  〃Mysterious　being；　a　light　dawns　vaguely　upon　meit　grows　apacewhat
  what　is　your　name。〃
  〃SENSATION！〃
  〃Hence；　horrible　shape！〃
  It　spoke　again：
  〃Oh　pitiless　fate；　my　destiny　hounds　me　once　more。　　I　am　called。　　I　go。
  Alas；　is　there　no　rest　for　me？〃
  In　a　moment　the　Wild　Man's　features　seemed　to　soften　and　refine；　and　his
  form　to　assume　a　more　human　grace　and　symmetry。　　His　club　changed　to　a
  spade；　and　he　shouldered　it　and　started　away　sighing　profoundly　and
  shedding　tears。
  〃Whither；　poor　shade？〃
  〃TO　DIG　UP　THE　BYRON　FAMILY！〃
  Such　was　the　response　that　floated　back　upon　the　wind　as　the　sad　spirit
  shook　its　ringlets　to　the　breeze；　flourished　its　shovel　aloft；　and
  disappeared　beyond　the　brow　of　the　hill。
  All　of　which　is　in　strict　accordance　with　the　facts。
  M。　T。
  LAST　WORDS　OF　GREAT　MEN　＇From　the　Buffalo　Express；　September　11；　1889。＇
  Marshal　Neil's　last　words　were：　〃L'armee　fran…caise！〃　（The　French
  army。）Exchange。
  What　a　sad　thing　it　is　to　see　a　man　close　a　grand　career　with　a
  plagiarism　in　his　mouth。　　Napoleon's　last　words　were：　〃Tete　d'armee。〃
  （Head　of　the　army。）　　Neither　of　those　remarks　amounts　to　anything　as
  〃last　words；〃　and　reflect　little　credit　upon　the　utterers。
  A　distinguished　man　should　be　as　particular　about　his　last　words　as　he　is
  about　his　last　breath。　　He　should　write　them　out　on　a　slip　of　paper　and
  take　the　judgment　of　his　friends　on　them。　　He　should　never　leave　such　a
  thing　to　the　last　hour　of　his　life；　and　trust　to　an　intellectual　spirit
  at　the　last　moment　to　enable　him　to　say　something　smart　with　his　latest
  gasp　and　launch　into　eternity　with　grandeur。　　Noa　man　is　apt　to　be　too
  much　fagged　and　exhausted；　both　in　body　and　mind；　at　such　a　time；　to　be
  reliable；　and　mayb