第 32 节
作者:冬冬      更新:2021-02-20 15:54      字数:9322
  will so surely re…create (for me) the inner emotion of a time or place as a
  remembered odourbrought back to me the incidents of that immemorial
  existence。
  For   a   time;   I   confess   it   frankly   here;   I   felt   afraid。   More   than   once   I
  stopped   short   in   the   street   where  I   was   walking;   and   considered   turning
  about and making again for the open country。 Some there may be who will
  feel that I am exaggerating my sensations and impressions; but they do not
  know of my memories of a former life; nor of how; many years ago; I left
  the city quite defeated; glad indeed that I was escaping; and thinking (as I
  have   related   elsewhere)   that   I  should   never  again   set   foot   upon   a   paved
  street。 These things went deep with me。 Only the other day; when a friend
  asked me how old I was; I responded instantlyour unpremeditated words
  are usually truestwith the date of my arrival at this farm。
  〃Then you are only ten years old!〃 he exclaimed with a laugh; thinking
  I was joking。
  〃Well;〃 I said; 〃I am counting only the years worth living。〃
  No; I existed; but I never really lived until I was reborn; that wonderful
  summer here among these hills。
  I said I felt afraid in the streets of Kilburn; but it was no physical fear。
  Who   could   be   safer   in   a   city   than   the   man   who   has   not   a   penny   in   his
  pockets? It was rather a strange; deep; spiritual shrinking。 There seemed
  something so irresistible about this life of the city; so utterly overpowering。
  I   had   a   sense   of being   smaller than   I had previously  felt   myself;  that   in
  some   way   my   personality;   all   that   was   strong   or   interesting   or   original
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  about   me;   was   being   smudged   over;  rubbed out。  In   the   country  I   had   in
  some measure come to command life; but here; it seemed to me; life was
  commanding me and crushing me down。 It is a difficult thing to describe: I
  never felt just that way before。
  I stopped at last on the main street of Kilburn in the very heart of the
  town。 I stopped because it seemed necessary to me; like a man in a flood;
  to touch bottom; to get hold upon something immovable and stable。 It was
  just at that hour of evening when the stores and shops are pouring forth
  their  rivulets   of   humanity  to   join   the vast   flood   of   the   streets。   I  stepped
  quickly aside into a niche near the corner of an immense building of brick
  and   steel   and   glass;   and   there   I   stood   with   my   back   to   the   wall;   and   I
  watched the restless; whirling; torrential tide of the streets。 I felt again; as I
  had not felt it before in years; the mysterious urge of the citythe sense of
  unending; overpowering movement。
  There   was   another   strange;   indeed   uncanny;   sensation   that   began   to
  creep over me as I stood there。 Though hundreds upon hundreds of men
  and women were passing me every minute; not one of them seemed to see
  me。 Most of them did not even look in my direction; and those who did
  turn   their   eyes   toward   me   see   me   to   glance   through   me   to   the   building
  behind。 I wonder if this is at all a common experience; or whether I was
  unduly sensitive that day; unduly wrought up? I began to feel like one clad
  in garments of invisibility。 I could see; but was not seen。 I could feel; but
  was not felt。 In the country there are few who would not stop to speak to
  me;   or   at   least   appraise   me   with   their   eyes;   but   here   I   was   a   wraith;   a
  ghostnot a palpable human being at all。 For a moment I felt unutterably
  lonely。
  It is   this way  with   me。 When   I  have reached  the very depths   of   any
  serious situation or tragic emotion; something within me seems at last to
  stophow shall I describe it?and I rebound suddenly and see the world;
  as it were; doublesee that my condition instead of being serious or tragic
  is in reality amusingand I usually came out of it with an utterly absurd or
  whimsical idea。 It was so upon this occasion。 I think it was the image of
  my robust self as a wraith that did it。
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  〃After all;〃 I said aloud taking a firm hold on the good hard flesh of
  one of my legs; 〃this is positively David Grayson。〃
  I   looked   out   again   into   that   tide   of   facesinteresting;   tired;   passive;
  smiling; sad; but above all; preoccupied faces。
  〃No one;〃 I thought; 〃seems to know that David Grayson has come to
  town。〃
  I had the sudden; almost irresistible notion of climbing up a step near
  me; holding up one hand; and crying out:
  〃Here I am; my friends。 I am David Grayson。 I am real and solid and
  opaque; I have plenty of red blood running in my veins。 I assure you that I
  am a person well worth knowing。〃
  I should really have enjoyed some such outlandish enterprise; and I am
  not at all sure yet that it would not have brought me adventures and made
  me friends worth   while。 We   fail far more   often by  under…daring than   by
  over…daring。
  But this imaginary object had the result; at least; of giving me a new
  grip on things。 I began to look out upon the amazing spectacle before me
  in a different mood。 It was exactly like some enormous anthill into which
  an idle traveller had thrust his cane。 Everywhere the ants were running out
  of   their  tunnels    and   burrows;    many    carrying    burdens    and   giving    one
  strangely the impression that while they were intensely alive and active;
  not more than half of them had any clear idea of where they were going。
  And   serious;   deadly   serious;   in   their   haste!   I   felt   a   strong   inclination   to
  stop a few of them and say:
  〃Friends; cheer up。 It isn't half as bad as you think it is。 Cheer up!〃
  After a time the severity of the human flood began to abate; and here
  and there at the bottom of that gulch of a street; which had begun to fill
  with soft; bluish…gray shadows; the evening lights a appeared。 The air had
  grown cooler; in the distance around a corner I heard a street organ break
  suddenly and joyously into the lively strains of 〃The Wearin' o' the Green。〃
  I stepped out into the street with quite a new feeling of adventure。 And
  as   if   to   testify   that   I   was   now   a   visible   person   a   sharp…eyed   newsboy
  discovered methe first human being in Kilburn who had actually seen me
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  and came up with a paper in his hand。
  〃Herald; boss?〃
  I   was   interested   in  the   shrewd;   world…wise;     humorous   look   in     the
  urchin's eyes。
  〃No;〃 I began; with the full intent of bantering him into some sort of
  acquaintance;   but   he   evidently   measured   my   purchasing   capacity   quite
  accurately; for he turned like a flash to another customer。 〃Herald; boss?〃
  〃You'll have to step lively; David Grayson;〃 I said to myself; 〃if you
  get aboard in this city。〃
  A   slouchy    negro    with   a  cigarette   in  his  fingers   glanced    at  me   in
  passing and then; hesitating; turned quickly toward me。
  〃Got a match; boss?〃
  I gave him a match。
  〃Thank you; boss;〃 and he passed on down the street。
  〃I seem to be 'boss' around here;〃 I said。
  This contact; slight as it was; gave me a feeling of warmth; removed a
  little the sensation of aloofness I had felt; and I strolled slowly down the
  street;   looking     in  at  the  gay    windows;     now    ablaze    with   lights;   and
  watching   the   really   wonderful   procession   of   vehicles   of   all   shapes   and
  sizes that rattled by on the pavement。 Even at that hour of the day I think
  there were more of them in one minute than I see in a whole month at my
  farm。
  It's a great thing to wear shabby clothes and an old hat。 Some of the
  best things I have ever known; like these experiences of the streets; have
  resulted from coming up to life from underneath; of being taken for less
  than I am rather than for more than I am。
  I   did   not   always   believe   in   this   doctrine。   For   many   yearsthe   years
  before I was rightly born into this alluring worldI tried quite the opposite
  course。   I   was   constantly   attempting   to   come   down   to   life   from   above。
  Instead   of   being   content   to   carry   through   life   a   sufficiently   wonderful
  being named David Grayson I tried desperately to set up and support a sort
  of dummy creature w