the　argument　might　be　that　in　any　case　some　vessel　in　my　heart
  would　give　way；　or　something　would　burst　and　all　would　be　over；　I
  could　not　patiently　await　that　end。　　The　horror　of　darkness　was　too
  great；　and　I　wished　to　free　myself　from　it　as　quickly　as　possible
  by　noose　or　bullet。　　that　was　the　feeling　which　drew　me　most
  strongly　towards　suicide。
  V
  〃But　perhaps　I　have　overlooked　something；　or　misunderstood
  something？〃　said　to　myself　several　times。　　〃It　cannot　be　that　this
  condition　of　despair　is　natural　to　man！〃　　And　I　sought　for　an
  explanation　of　these　problems　in　all　the　branches　of　knowledge
  acquired　by　men。　　I　sought　painfully　and　long；　not　from　idle
  curiosity　or　listlessly；　but　painfully　and　persistently　day　and
  night　　sought　as　a　perishing　man　seeks　for　safety　　and　I　found
  nothing。
  I　sought　in　all　the　sciences；　but　far　from　finding　what　I
  wanted；　became　convinced　that　all　who　like　myself　had　sought　in
  knowledge　for　the　meaning　of　life　had　found　nothing。　　And　not　only
  had　they　found　nothing；　but　they　had　plainly　acknowledged　that　the
  very　thing　which　made　me　despair　　namely　the　senselessness　of
  life　　is　the　one　indubitable　thing　man　can　know。
  I　sought　everywhere；　and　thanks　to　a　life　spent　in　learning；
  and　thanks　also　to　my　relations　with　the　scholarly　world；　I　had
  access　to　scientists　and　scholars　in　all　branches　of　knowledge；　and
  they　readily　showed　me　all　their　knowledge；　not　only　in　books　but
  also　in　conversation；　so　that　I　had　at　my　disposal　all　that　science
  has　to　say　on　this　question　of　life。
  I　was　long　unable　to　believe　that　it　gives　no　other　reply　to
  life's　questions　than　that　which　it　actually　does　give。　　It　long
  seemed　to　me；　when　I　saw　the　important　and　serious　air　with　which
  science　announces　its　conclusions　which　have　nothing　in　common　with
  the　real　questions　of　human　life；　that　there　was　something　I　had
  not　understood。　　I　long　was　timid　before　science；　and　it　seemed　to
  me　that　the　lack　of　conformity　between　the　answers　and　my　questions
  arose　not　by　the　fault　of　science　but　from　my　ignorance；　but　the
  matter　was　for　me　not　a　game　or　an　amusement　but　one　of　life　and
  death；　and　I　was　involuntarily　brought　to　the　conviction　that　my
  questions　were　the　only　legitimate　ones；　forming　the　basis　of　all
  knowledge；　and　that　I　with　my　questions　was　not　to　blame；　but
  science　if　it　pretends　to　reply　to　those　questions。
  My　question　　that　which　at　the　age　of　fifty　brought　me　to
  the　verge　of　suicide　　was　the　simplest　of　questions；　lying　in　the
  soul　of　every　man　from　the　foolish　child　to　the　wisest　elder：　it
  was　a　question　without　an　answer　to　which　one　cannot　live；　as　I　had
  found　by　experience。　　It　was：　〃What　will　come　of　what　I　am　doing
  today　or　shall　do　tomorrow？　　What　will　come　of　my　whole　life？〃
  Differently　expressed；　the　question　is：　　〃Why　should　I　live；
  why　wish　for　anything；　or　do　anything？〃　　It　can　also　be　expressed
  thus：　　〃Is　there　any　meaning　in　my　life　that　the　inevitable　death
  awaiting　me　does　not　destroy？〃
  To　this　one　question；　variously　expressed；　I　sought　an　answer
  in　science。　　And　I　found　that　in　relation　to　that　question　all
  human　knowledge　is　divided　as　it　were　into　tow　opposite　hemispheres
  at　the　ends　of　which　are　two　poles：　　the　one　a　negative　and　the
  other　a　positive；　but　that　neither　at　the　one　nor　the　other　pole　is
  there　an　answer　to　life's　questions。
  The　one　series　of　sciences　seems　not　to　recognize　the
  question；　but　replies　clearly　and　exactly　to　its　own　independent
  questions：　that　is　the　series　of　experimental　sciences；　and　at　the
  extreme　end　of　it　stands　mathematics。　　The　other　series　of　sciences
  recognizes　the　question；　but　does　not　answer　it；　that　is　the　series
  of　abstract　sciences；　and　at　the　extreme　end　of　it　stands
  metaphysics。
  From　early　youth　I　had　been　interested　in　the　abstract
  sciences；　but　later　the　mathematical　and　natural　sciences　attracted
  me；　and　until　I　put　my　question　definitely　to　myself；　until　that
  question　had　itself　grown　up　within　me　urgently　demanding　a
  decision；　I　contented　myself　with　those　counterfeit　answers　which
  science　gives。
  Now　in　the　experimental　sphere　I　said　to　myself：　〃Everything
  develops　and　differentiates　itself；　moving　towards　complexity　and
  perfection；　and　there　are　laws　directing　this　movement。　　You　are　a
  part　of　the　whole。　　Having　learnt　as　far　as　possible　the　whole；　and
  having　learnt　the　law　of　evolution；　you　will　understand　also　your
  place　in　the　whole　and　will　know　yourself。〃　　Ashamed　as　I　am　to
  confess　it；　there　wa　a　time　when　I　seemed　satisfied　with　that。　　It
  was　just　the　time　when　I　was　myself　becoming　more　complex　and　was
  developing。　My　muscles　were　growing　and　strengthening；　my　memory
  was　being　enriched；　my　capacity　to　think　and　understand　was
  increasing；　I　was　growing　and　developing；　and　feeling　this　growth
  in　myself　it　was　natural　for　me　to　think　that　such　was　the
  universal　law　in　which　I　should　find　the　solution　of　the　question
  of　my　life。　　But　a　time　came　when　the　growth　within　me　ceased。　　I
  felt　that　I　was　not　developing；　but　fading；　my　muscles　were
  weakening；　my　teeth　falling　out；　and　I　saw　that　the　law　not　only
  did　not　explain　anything　to　me；　but　that　there　never　had　been　or
  could　be　such　a　law；　and　that　I　had　taken　for　a　law　what　I　had
  found　in　myself　at　a　certain　period　of　my　life。　　I　regarded　the
  definition　of　that　law　more　strictly；　and　it　became　clear　to　me
  that　there　could　be　no　law　of　endless　development；　it　became　clear
  that　to　say；　〃in　infinite　space　and　time　everything　develops；
  becomes　more　perfect　and　more　complex；　is　differentiated〃；　is　to
  say　nothing　at　all。　　These　are　all　words　with　no　meaning；　for　in
  the　infinite　there　is　neither　complex　nor　simple；　neither　forward
  nor　backward；　nor　better　or　worse。
  Above　all；　my　personal　question；　〃What　am　I　with　my　desires？〃
  remained　quite　unanswered。　　And　I　understood　that　those　sciences
  are　very　interesting　and　attractive；　but　that　they　are　exact　and
  clear　in　inverse　proportion　to　their　applicability　to　the　question
  of　life：　the　less　their　applicability　to　the　question　of　life；　the
  more　exact　and　clear　they　are；　while　the　more　they　try　to　reply　to
  the　question　of　life；　the　more　obscure　and　unattractive　they
  become。　　If　one　turns　to　the　division　of　sciences　which　attempt　to
  reply　to　the　questions　of　life　　to　physiology；　psychology；
  biology；　sociology　　one　encounters　an　appalling　poverty　of
  thought；　the　greatest　obscurity；　a　quite　unjustifiable　pretension
  to　solve　irrelevant　question；　and　a　continual　contradiction　of　each
  authority　by　others　and　even　by　himself。　　If　one　turns　to　the
  branches　of　science　which　are　not　concerned　with　the　solution　of
  the　questions　of　life；　but　which　reply　to　their　own　special
  scientific　questions；　one　is　enraptured　by　the　power　of　man's　mind；
  but　one　knows　in　advance　that　they　give　no　reply　to　life's
  questions。　　Those　sciences　simply　ignore　life's　questions。　　They
  say：　　〃To　the　question　of　what　you　are　and　why　you　live　we　have　no
  reply；　and　are　not　occupied　with　that；　but　if　you　want　to　know　the
  laws　of　light；　of　chemical　combinations；　the　laws　of　development　of
  organisms；　if　you　want　to　know　the　laws　of　bodies　and　their　form；
  and　the　relation　of　numbers　and　quantities；　if　you　want　to　know　the
  laws　of　your　mind；　to　all　that　we　have　clear；　exact　and
  unquestionable　replies。〃
  In　general　the　relation　of　the　experimental　sciences　to　life's
  question　may　be　expressed　thus：　　Question：　〃Why　do　I　live？〃
  Answer：　〃In　infinite　space；　in　infinite　time；　infinitely　small
  particles　change　their　forms　in　infinite　complexity；　and　when　you
  have　under　stood　the　laws　of　those　mutations　of　form　you　will
  understand　why　you　live　on　the　earth。〃
  Then　in　the　sphere　of　abstract　science　I　said　to　myself：　　〃All
  humanity　lives　and　develops　on　the　basis　of　spiritual　principles
  and　ideals　which　guide　it。　　Those　ideals　are　expressed　in
  religions；　in　sciences；　in　arts；　in　forms　of　government。　　Those
  ideals　become　more　and　more　elevated；　and　humanity　advances　to　its
  highest　welfare。　　I　am　part　of　humanity；　and　therefore　my　vocation
  is　to　forward　the　recognition　and　the　realization　of　the　ideals　of
  humanity。〃　　And　at　the　time　of　my　weak…mindedness　I　was　satisfied
  with　that；　but　as　soon　as　the　question　of　life　presented　itself
  clearly　to　me；　those　theories　immediately　crumbled　away。　　Not　to
  speak　of　the　unscrupulous　obscurity　with　which　those　sciences
  announce　conclusions　formed　on　the　study　of　a　small　part　of　mankind
  as　general　conclusions；　not　to　speak　of　the　mutual　contradictions
  of　different　adherents　of　this　view　as　to　what　are　the　ideals　of
  humanity；　the　strangeness；　not　to　say　stupidity；　of　the　theory
  consists　in　the　fact　that　in　order　to　reply　to　the　question　facing
  each　man：　　〃What　am　I？〃　or　〃Why　do　I　live？〃　or　〃What　must　I　do？〃
  one　has　first　to　decide　the　questio