第 13 节
作者:扑火      更新:2021-02-19 21:35      字数:9319
  The    world    is  old   because     its  history   is  made     up   of  successive
  childhoods and of their impressions。            Your hours when you were six were
  the enormous hours of the mind that has little experience and constant and
  quick   forgetfulness。      Therefore   when   your   mother's   visitor   held   you   so
  long at his knee; while he talked to her the excited gibberish of the grown…
  up; he little thought what he forced upon you; what the things he called
  minutes really were; measured by a mind unused; what passive and then
  what desperate weariness he held you to by his slightly gesticulating hands
  that pressed some absent…minded caress; rated by you at its right value; in
  the   pauses   of   his   anecdotes。    You;   meanwhile;   were   infinitely   tired   of
  watching the play of his conversing moustache。
  Indeed; the contrast of the length of contemporary time (this pleonasm
  is   inevitable)   is   no   small   mystery;   and   the   world   has   never   had   the   wit
  fully to confess it。
  You remembered poignantly the special and singular duration of some
  such space as your elders; perhaps; called half…an…hourso poignantly that
  you   spoke   of   it   to   your   sister;   not   exactly   with   emotion;   but   still   as   a
  dreadful fact of life。      You had better instinct than to complain of it to the
  talkative;   easy…living;   occupied   people;   who   had   the   management   of   the
  world   in   their   hands…   …your   seniors。    You   remembered   the   duration   of
  some such separate half…hour so well that you have in fact remembered it
  until now; and so now; of course; will never forget it。
  As   to   the   length   of   Beethoven;   experienced   by   you   on   duty   in   the
  drawing      room;    it  would    be   curious    to  know     whether     it  was   really
  something greater than Beethoven had any idea of。                 You sat and listened;
  and tried to fix a passage in your mind as a kind of half… way mark; with
  the   deliberate   provident   intention   of   helping   yourself   through   the   time
  during a future hearing; for you knew too well that you would have to bear
  it all again。     You could not do the same with sermons; because; though
  even more fatiguing; they were more or less different each time。
  While your elders passed over some particularly tedious piece of road…
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  …and   a   very   tedious   piece   of   road   existed   within   short   distance   of   every
  house you lived in or stayed inin their usual state of partial absence of
  mind; you; on the contrary; perceived every inch of it。                  As to the length of
  a bad night; or of a mere time of wakefulness at night; adult words do not
  measure it;   they  hardly  measure   the   time   of   merely  waiting   for   sleep   in
  childhood。       Moreover;      you   were     tired  of   other   things;    apart   from    the
  duration of timethe names of streets; the names of tradesmen; especially
  the fournisseurs of the household; who lived in them。
  You were bored by people。             It did not occur to you to be tired of those
  of   your   own   immediate   family;   for   you   loved   them   immemorially。   Nor
  were   you   bored   by   the   newer   personality   of   casual   visitors;   unless   they
  held you; as aforesaid; and made you so listen to their unintelligible voices
  and so look at their mannered faces that they released you an older child
  than they took you prisoner。             Butit is a reluctant confessionyou were
  tired   of   your   relations;   you   were   weary   of   their   bonnets。     Measured   by
  adult   time;   those   bonnets   were;   it   is   to   be   presumed;   of   no   more   than
  reasonable duration; they had no more than the average or common life。
  You have no reason; looking back; to believe that your great…aunts wore
  bonnets for great and indefinite spaces of time。                  But; to your sense as a
  child;   long   and   changing   and   developing   days   saw   the   same   harassing
  artificial flowers hoisted up with the same black lace。                    You would have
  had    a   scruple    of  conscience      as   to  really   disliking    the   face;   but   you
  deliberately   let   yourself   go   in   detesting   the   bonnet。       So   with   dresses;
  especially such as had any little misfit about them。 For you it had always
  existed;   and   there   was   no   promise   of   its   ceasing。     You   seemed   to   have
  been     aware    of   it  for  years。   By   the    way;    there   would     be   less  cheap
  reproving of little girls for desiring new clothes if the censors knew how
  immensely old their old clothes are to them。
  The     fact  is  that   children    have    a  simple    sense    of  the   unnecessary
  ugliness   of   things;   and   thatapart   from   the   effects   of   ennuithey   reject
  that    ugliness    actively。    You     have    stood   and   listened    to  your    mother's
  compliments   on   her   friend's   hat;   and   have   made   your   mental   protest   in
  very definite words。         You thought it hideous; and hideous things offended
  you then more than they have ever offended you since。                     At nine years old
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  you   made   people;   alas!   responsible   for   their   faces;   as   you   do   still   in   a
  measure; though you think you do not。              You severely made them answer
  for their clothes; in a manner which you have seen good reason; in later
  life; to mitigate。     Upon curls; or too much youthfulness in the aged; you
  had no mercy。        To sum up the things you hated inordinately; they were
  friskiness   of   manner   and   of   trimmings;   and   curls   combined   with   rather
  bygone or frumpish fashions。          Too much childish dislike was wasted so。
  But you admired some things without regard to rules of beauty learnt
  later。   At some seven years old you dwelt with delight upon the contrast
  of a white kid glove and a bright red wrist。            Well; this is not the received
  arrangement; but red and white do go well together; and their distribution
  has to be taught with time。         Whose were the wrist and glove?             Certainly
  some one's who must have been distressed at the bouquet of colour that
  you admired。        This; however; was but a local admiration。              You did not
  admire the girl as a whole。         She whom you adored was always a married
  woman   of   a   certain   age;   rather   faded;   it   might   be;   but   always   divinely
  elegant。     She alone was worthy to stand at the side of your mother。                You
  lay in wait for the border of her train; and dodged for a chance of holding
  her bracelet when she played。          You composed prose in honour of her and
  called   the   composition   (for   reasons   unknown   to   yourself)   a   〃catalogue。〃
  She took singularly little notice of you。
  Wordsworth   cannot   say   too   much   of   your   passion   for   nature。     The
  light of summer morning before sunrise was to you a spiritual splendour
  for   which    you    wanted    no   name。    The     Mediterranean      under    the  first
  perceptible touch of the moon; the calm southern sea in the full blossom of
  summer; the early spring everywhere; in the showery streets; in the fields;
  or at sea; left old childish memories with you which you try to evoke now
  when   you   see   them   again。    But   the   cloudy   dusk   behind   poplars   on   the
  plains of France; the flying landscape from the train; willows; and the last
  of the light; were more mournful to you then than you care to remember
  now。     So were the black crosses on the graves of the French village; so
  were cypresses; though greatly beloved。
  If you were happy enough to be an internationally educated child; you
  had much at heart the heart of every country you knew。                 You disliked the
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  English accent of your compatriots abroad with a scorn to which; needless
  to say; you are not tempted now。            You had shocks of delight from Swiss
  woods full of lilies of the valley; and from English fields full of cowslips。
  You had disquieting dreams of landscape and sun; and of many of these
  you   cannot   now   tell   which   were   visions   of   travel   and   which   visions   of
  slumber。      Your   strong   sense   of   place   made   you   love   some   places   too
  keenly for peace。