The　Book　of　Snobs
  by　William　Makepeace　Thackeray
  THE　BOOK　OF　SNOBS
  BY　ONE　OF　THEMSELVES
  PREFATORY　REMARKS
  （The　necessity　of　a　work　on　Snobs；　demonstrated　from
  History；　and　proved　by　felicitous　illustrations：　I　am
  the　individual　destined　to　write　that　workMy　vocation
  is　announced　in　terms　of　great　eloquenceI　show　that　the
  world　has　been　gradually　preparing　itself　for　the　WORK
  and　the　MANSnobs　are　to　be　studied　like　other　objects
  of　Natural　Science；　and　are　a　part　of　the　Beautiful　（with
  a　large　B）。　They　pervade　all　classesAffecting　instance
  of　Colonel　Snobley。）
  We　have　all　read　a　statement；　（the　authenticity　of　which
  I　take　leave　to　doubt　entirely；　for　upon　what
  calculations　I　should　like　to　know　is　it　founded？）we
  have　all；　I　say；　been　favoured　by　perusing　a　remark；　that
  when　the　times　and　necessities　of　the　world　call　for　a
  Man；　that　individual　is　found。　　Thus　at　the　French
  Revolution　（which　the　reader　will　be　pleased　to　have
  introduced　so　early）；　when　it　was　requisite　to　administer
  a　corrective　dose　to　the　nation；　Robespierre　was　found；　a
  most　foul　and　nauseous　dose　indeed；　and　swallowed　eagerly
  by　the　patient；　greatly　to　the　latter's　ultimate
  advantage：　thus；　when　it　became　necessary　to　kick　John
  Bull　out　of　America；　Mr。　Washington　stepped　forward；　and
  performed　that　job　to　satisfaction：　thus；　when　the　Earl
  of　Aldborough　was　unwell；　Professor　Holloway　appeared
  with　his　pills；　and　cured　his　lordship；　as　per
  advertisement；　&c。　&c。。　　Numberless　instances　might　be
  adduced　to　show　that　when　a　nation　is　in　great　want；　the
  relief　is　at　hand；　just　as　in　the　Pantomime　（that
  microcosm）　where　when　CLOWN　wants　anythinga　warming…
  pan；　a　pump…handle；　a　goose；　or　a　lady's　tippeta　fellow
  comes　sauntering　out　from　behind　the　side…scenes　with　the
  very　article　in　question。
  Again；　when　men　commence　an　undertaking；　they　always　are
  prepared　to　show　that　the　absolute　necessities　of　the
  world　demanded　its　completion。Say　it　is　a　railroad：　the
  directors　begin　by　stating　that　'A　more　intimate
  communication　between　Bathershins　and　Derrynane　Beg　is
  necessary　for　the　advancement　of　civilization；　and
  demanded　by　the　multitudinous　acclamations　of　the　great
  Irish　people。'　　Or　suppose　it　is　a　newspaper：　the
  prospectus　states　that　'At　a　time　when　the　Church　is　in
  danger；　threatened　from　without　by　savage　fanaticism　and
  miscreant　unbelief；　and　undermined　from　within　by
  dangerous　Jesuitism；　and　suicidal　Schism；　a　Want　has　been
  universally　felta　suffering　people　has　looked　abroad
  for　an　Ecclesiastical　Champion　and　Guardian。　　A　body　of
  Prelates　and　Gentlemen　have　therefore　stepped　forward　in
  this　our　hour　of　danger；　and　determined　on　establishing
  the　BEADLE　newspaper；'　&c。　&c。　　One　or　other　of　these
  points　at　least　is　incontrovertible：　the　public　wants　a
  thing；　therefore　it　is　supplied　with　it；　or　the　public　is
  supplied　with　a　thing；　therefore　it　wants　it。
  I　have　long　gone　about　with　a　conviction　on　my　mind　that
  I　had　a　work　to　doa　Work；　if　you　like；　with　a　great　W；
  a　Purpose　to　fulfil；　a　chasm　to　leap　into；　like　Curtius；
  horse　and　foot；　a　Great　Social　Evil　to　Discover　and　to
  Remedy。　　That　Conviction　Has　Pursued　me　for　Years。　　It
  has　Dogged　me　in　the　Busy　Street；　Seated　Itself　By　Me　in
  The　Lonely　Study；　Jogged　My　Elbow　as　it　Lifted　the　Wine…
  cup　at　The　Festive　Board；　Pursued　me　through　the　Maze　of
  Rotten　Row；　Followed　me　in　Far　Lands。　　On　Brighton's
  Shingly　Beach；　or　Margate's　Sand；　the　Voice　Outpiped　the
  Roaring　of　the　Sea；　it　Nestles　in　my　Nightcap；　and　It
  Whispers；　'Wake；　Slumberer；　thy　Work　Is　Not　Yet　Done。'
  Last　Year；　By　Moonlight；　in　the　Colosseum；　the　Little
  Sedulous　Voice　Came　To　Me　and　Said；　'Smith；　or　Jones'
  （The　Writer's　Name　is　Neither　Here　nor　There）；　'Smith　or
  Jones；　my　fine　fellow；　this　is　all　very　well；　but　you
  ought　to　be　at　home　writing　your　great　work　on　SNOBS。
  When　a　man　has　this　sort　of　vocation　it　is　all　nonsense
  attempting　to　elude　it。　　He　must　speak　out　to　the
  nations；　he　must　unbusm　himself；　as　Jeames　would　say；　or
  choke　and　die。　　'Mark　to　yourself；'　I　have　often　mentally
  exclaimed　to　your　humble　servant；　'the　gradual　way　in
  which　you　have　been　prepared　for；　and　are　now　led　by　an
  irresistible　necessity　to　enter　upon　your　great　labour。
  First；　the　World　was　made：　then；　as　a　matter　of　course；
  Snobs；　they　existed　for　years　and　years；　and　were　no　more
  known　than　America。　　But　presently；INGENS　PATEBAT
  TELLUS；the　people　became　darkly　aware　that　there　was
  such　a　race。　　Not　above　five…and…twenty　years　since；　a
  name；　an　expressive　monosyllable；　arose　to　designate　that
  race。　　That　name　has　spread　over　England　like　railroads
  subsequently；　Snobs　are　known　and　recognized　throughout
  an　Empire　on　which　I　am　given　to　understand　the　Sun　never
  sets。　　PUNCH　appears　at　the　ripe　season；　to　chronicle
  their　history：　and　the　individual　comes　forth　to　write
  that　history　in　PUNCH。'
  I　have　（and　for　this　gift　I　congratulate　myself　with　Deep
  and　Abiding　Thankfulness）　an　eye　for　a　Snob。　　If　the
  Truthful　is　the　Beautiful；　it　is　Beautiful　to　study　even
  the　Snobbish；　to　track　Snobs　through　history；　as　certain
  little　dogs　in　Hampshire　hunt　out　truffles；　to　sink
  shafts　in　society　and　come　upon　rich　veins　of　Snobore。
  Snobbishness　is　like　Death　in　a　quotation　from　Horace；
  which　I　hope　you　never　have　heard；　'beating　with　equal
  foot　at　poor　men's　doors；　and　kicking　at　the　gates　of
  Emperors。'　　It　is　a　great　mistake　to　judge　of　Snobs
  lightly；　and　think　they　exist　among　the　lower　classes
  merely。　　An　immense　percentage　of　Snobs；　I　believe；　is　to
  be　found　in　every　rank　of　this　mortal　life。　　You　must　not
  judge　hastily　or　vulgarly　of　Snobs：　to　do　so　shows　that
  you　are　yourself　a　Snob。　　I　myself　have　been　taken　for
  one。
  When　I　was　taking　the　waters　at　Bagnigge　Wells；　and
  living　at　the　'Imperial　Hotel'　there；　there　used　to　sit
  opposite　me　at　breakfast；　for　a　short　time；　a　Snob　so
  insufferable　that　I　felt　I　should　never　get　any　benefit
  of　the　waters　so　long　as　he　remained。　　His　name　was
  Lieutenant…Colonel　Snobley；　of　a　certain　dragoon
  regiment。　　He　wore　japanned　boots　and　moustaches：　he
  lisped；　drawled；　and　left　the　'r's'　out　of　his　words：　he
  was　always　flourishing　about；　and　smoothing　his　lacquered
  whiskers　with　a　huge　flaming　bandanna；　that　filled　the
  room　with　an　odour　of　musk　so　stifling　that　I　determined
  to　do　battle　with　that　Snob；　and　that　either　he　or　I
  should　quit　the　Inn。　　I　first　began　harmless
  conversations　with　him；　frightening　him　exceedingly；　for
  he　did　not　know　what　to　do　when　so　attacked；　and　had
  never　the　slightest　notion　that　anybody　would　take　such　a
  liberty　with　him　as　to　speak　first：　then　I　handed　him　the
  paper：　then；　as　he　would　take　no　notice　of　these
  advances；　I　used　to　look　him　in　the　face　steadily　and
  and　use　my　fork　in　the　light　of　a　toothpick。　　After　two
  mornings　of　this　practice；　he　could　bear　it　no　longer；
  and　fairly　quitted　the　place。
  Should　the　Colonel　see　this；　will　he　remember　the　Gent
  who　asked　him　if　he　thought　Publicoaler　was　a　fine
  writer；　and　drove　him　from　the　Hotel　with　a　four…pronged
  fork？
  CHAPTER　I
  THE　SNOB　PLAYFULLY　DEALT　WITH
  There　are　relative　and　positive　Snobs。　　I　mean　by
  positive；　such　persons　as　are　Snobs　everywhere；　in　all
  companies；　from　morning　till　night；　from　youth　to　the
  grave；　being　by　Nature　endowed　with　Snobbishnessand
  others　who　are　Snobs　only　in　certain　circumstances　and
  relations　of　life。
  For　instance：　I　once　knew　a　man　who　committed　before　me
  an　act　as　atrocious　as　that　which　I　have　indicated　in　the
  last　chapter　as　performed　by　me　for　the　purpose　of
  disgusting　Colonel　Snobley；　viz；　the　using　the　fork　in
  the　guise　of　a　toothpick。　　I　once；　I　say；　knew　a　man　who；
  dining　in　my　company　at　the　'Europa　Coffee…house；'
  （opposite　the　Grand　Opera；　and；　as　everybody　knows；　the
  only　decent　place　for　dining　at　Naples；）　ate　peas　with
  the　assistance　of　his　knife。　　He　was　a　person　with　whose
  society　I　was　greatly　pleased　at　firstindeed；　we　had
  met　in　the　crater　of　Mount　Vesuvius；　and　were
  subsequently　robbed　and　held　to　ransom　by　brigands　in
  Calabria；　which　is　nothing　to　the　purposea　man　of　great
  powers；　excellent　heart；　and　varied　information；　but　I
  had　never　before　seen　him　with　a　dish　of　pease；　and　his
  conduct　in　regard　to　them　caused　me　the　deepest　pain。
  After　having　seen　him　thus　publicly　comport　himself；　but
  one　course　was　open　to　meto　cut　his　acquaintance。　　I
  commissioned　a　mutual　friend　（the　Honourable　Poly　Anthus）
  to　break　the　matter　to　this　gentleman　as　delicately　as
  possible；　and　to　say　that　painful　circumstancesin
  nowise　affecting　Mr。　Marrowfat's　honour；　or　my　esteem　for
  himhad　occurred；　which　obliged　me　to　forego　my　intimacy
  with　him；　and　accordingly　we　met　and　gave　each　other　the
  cut　direct　that　night　at　the　Duchess　of　Monte　Fiasco's