第 26 节
作者:阎王      更新:2021-02-18 20:52      字数:9321
  iety is ridiculous; and too great gaiety is unbecoming〃 。 。 。
  She did not hear me to the end; but went away and sat beside Grushnitski; and they entered into a sort of sentimental conversation。  Ap… parently the Princess answered his sage phrases rather absent…mindedly and inconsequently; although endeavouring to show that she was listening to him with attention; because sometimes he looked at her in astonishment; trying to divine the cause of the inward agitation which was expressed at times in her restless glance 。 。 。
  But I have found you out; my dear Princess! Have a care!  You want to pay me back in the same coin; to wound my vanity  you will not succeed!  And if you declare war on me; I will be merciless!
  In the course of the evening; I purposely tried a few times to join in their conversation; but she met my remarks rather coldly; and; at last; I retired in pretended vexation。  Princess Mary was triumphant; Grushnitski likewise。  Triumph; my friends; and be quick about it! 。 。 。  You will not have long to triumph! 。 。 。  It cannot be otherwise。  I have a presentiment。 。 。  On making a woman's acquaintance I have always unerringly guessed whether she would fall in love with me or not。
  The remaining part of the evening I spent at Vera's side; and talked to the full about the old days。 。 。  Why does she love me so much? In truth; I am unable to say; all the more so because she is the only woman who has understood me perfectly; with all my petty weaknesses and evil passions。 。 。  Can it be that wickedness is so attractive? 。 。 。
  Grushnitski and I left the house together。  In the street he took my arm; and; after a long silence; said:
  〃Well?〃
  〃You are a fool;〃 I should have liked to answer。 But I restrained myself and only shrugged my shoulders。
  CHAPTER VII
  6th June。
  ALL these days I have not once departed from my system。  Princess Mary has come to like talking to me; I have told her a few of the strange events of my life; and she is beginning to look on me as an extraordinary man。  I mock at everything in the world; especially feelings; and she is taking alarm。  When I am present; she does not dare to embark upon sentimental discussions with Grushnitski; and already; on a few occasions; she has answered his sallies with a mocking smile。 But every time that Grushnitski comes up to her I assume an air of meekness and leave the two of them together。  On the first occasion; she was glad; or tried to make it appear so; on the second; she was angry with me; on the third  with Grushnitski。
  〃You have very little vanity!〃 she said to me yesterday。  〃What makes you think that I find Grushnitski the more entertaining?〃
  I answered that I was sacrificing my own pleasure for the sake of the happiness of a friend。
  〃And my pleasure; too;〃 she added。
  I looked at her intently and assumed a serious air。  After that for the whole day I did not speak a single word to her。 。 。  In the evening; she was pensive; this morning; at the well; more pensive still。  When I went up to her; she was listening absent…mindedly to Grushnitski; who was ap… parently falling into raptures about Nature; but; so soon as she perceived me; she began to laugh  at a most inopportune moment  pretending not to notice me。  I went on a little further and began stealthily to observe her。  She turned away from her companion and yawned twice。 Decidedly she had grown tired of Grushnitski  I will not talk to her for another two days。
  CHAPTER VIII
  11th June。
  I OFTEN ask myself why I am so obstinately endeavouring to win the love of a young girl whom I do not wish to deceive; and whom I will never marry。  Why this woman…like coquetry? Vera loves me more than Princess Mary ever will。 Had I regarded the latter as an invincible beauty; I should perhaps have been allured by the difficulty of the undertaking。 。 。
  However; there is no such difficulty in this case!  Consequently; my present feeling is not that restless craving for love which torments us in the early days of our youth; flinging us from one woman to another until we find one who can… not endure us。  And then begins our constancy  that sincere; unending passion which may be expressed mathematically by a line falling from a point into space  the secret of that endlessness lying only in the impossibility of attaining the aim; that is to say; the end。
  From what motive; then; am I taking all this trouble?  Envy of Grushnitski?  Poor fellow!
  He is quite undeserving of it。  Or; is it the result of that ugly; but invincible; feeling which causes us to destroy the sweet illusions of our neighbour in order to have the petty satisfaction of saying to him; when; in despair; he asks what he is to believe:
  〃My friend; the same thing happened to me; and you see; nevertheless; that I dine; sup; and sleep very peacefully; and I shall; I hope; know how to die without tears and lamentations。〃
  There is; in sooth; a boundless enjoyment in the possession of a young; scarce…budded soul!  It is like a floweret which exhales its best perfume at the kiss of the first ray of the sun。  You should pluck the flower at that moment; and; breathing its fragrance to the full; cast it upon the road: perchance someone will pick it up!  I feel within me that insatiate hunger which devours everything it meets upon the way; I look upon the sufferings and joys of others only from the point of view of their relation to myself; regarding them as the nutriment which sustains my spiritual forces。  I myself am no longer capable of committing follies under the influence of passion; with me; ambition has been repressed by circumstances; but it has emerged in another form; because ambition is nothing more nor less than a thirst for power; and my chief pleasure is to make everything that surrounds me subject to my will。  To arouse the feeling of love; devotion and awe towards oneself  is not that the first sign; and the greatest triumph; of power?  To be the cause of suffering and joy to another  without in the least possessing any definite right to be so  is not that the sweetest food for our pride? And what is happiness?  Satisfied pride。  Were I to consider myself the best; the most powerful man in the world; I should be happy; were all to love me; I should find within me inexhaustible springs of love。  Evil begets evil; the first suffering gives us the conception of the satis… faction of torturing another。  The idea of evil cannot enter the mind without arousing a desire to put it actually into practice。  〃Ideas are organic entities;〃 someone has said。  The very fact of their birth endows them with form; and that form is action。  He in whose brain the most ideas are born accomplishes the most。  From that cause a genius; chained to an official desk; must die or go mad; just as it often happens that a man of powerful constitution; and at the same time of sedentary life and simple habits; dies of an apoplectic stroke。
  Passions are naught but ideas in their first development; they are an attribute of the youth of the heart; and foolish is he who thinks that he will be agitated by them all his life。  Many quiet rivers begin their course as noisy waterfalls; and there is not a single stream which will leap or foam throughout its way to the sea。  That quiet… ness; however; is frequently the sign of great; though latent; strength。  The fulness and depth of feelings and thoughts do not admit of frenzied outbursts。  In suffering and in enjoyment the soul renders itself a strict account of all it experiences and convinces itself that such things must be。  It knows that; but for storms; the constant heat of the sun would dry it up!  It imbues itself with its own life  pets and punishes itself like a favourite child。  It is only in that highest state of self…knowledge that a man can appreciate the divine justice。
  On reading over this page; I observe that I have made a wide digression from my subject。 。 。 But what matter? 。 。 。  You see; it is for myself that I am writing this diary; and; consequently anything that I jot down in it will in time be a valuable reminiscence for me。
  。     。     。     。     。
  Grushnitski has called to see me to…day。  He flung himself upon my neck; he has been pro… moted to be an officer。  We drank champagne。 Doctor Werner came in after him。
  〃I do not congratulate you;〃 he said to Grushnitski。
  〃Why not?〃
  〃Because the soldier's cloak suits you very well; and you must confess that an infantry uniform; made by one of the local tailors; will not add anything of interest to you。 。 。  Do you not see?  Hitherto; you have been an exception; but now you will come under the general rule。〃
  〃Talk away; doctor; talk away!  You will not prevent me from rejoicing。  He does not know;〃 added Grushnitski in a whisper to me; 〃how many hopes these epaulettes have lent me。 。 。 Oh! 。 。 。  Epaulettes; epaulettes!  Your little stars are guiding stars!  No!  I am perfectly happy now!〃
  〃Are you coming with us on our walk to the hollow?〃 I asked him。
  〃I?  Not on any account will I show myself to Princess Mary until my uniform is finished。〃
  〃Would you like me to inform her of your happiness?〃
  〃No; please; not a word。 。 。  I want to give her a surprise〃 。 。 。
  〃Tell