prying　into　the　august　secrets　of　the　Deity。
  MY　LATE　SENATORIAL　SECRETARYSHIP　＇Written　about　1867。＇
  I　am　not　a　private　secretary　to　a　senator　any　more　I　now。　　I　held　the
  berth　two　months　in　security　and　in　great　cheerfulness　of　spirit；　but　my
  bread　began　to　return　from　over　the　waters　thenthat　is　to　say；　my　works
  came　back　and　revealed　themselves。　　I　judged　it　best　to　resign。　　The　way
  of　it　was　this。　　My　employer　sent　for　me　one　morning　tolerably　early；
  and；　as　soon　as　I　had　finished　inserting　some　conundrums　clandestinely
  into　his　last　great　speech　upon　finance；　I　entered　the　presence。　　There
  was　something　portentous　in　his　appearance。　　His　cravat　was　untied；　his
  hair　was　in　a　state　of　disorder；　and　his　countenance　bore　about　it　the
  signs　of　a　suppressed　storm。　　He　held　a　package　of　letters　in　his　tense
  grasp；　and　I　knew　that　the　dreaded　Pacific　mail　was　in。　　He　said：
  〃I　thought　you　were　worthy　of　confidence。〃
  I　said；　〃Yes；　sir。〃
  He　said；　〃I　gave　you　a　letter　from　certain　of　my　constituents　in　the
  State　of　Nevada；　asking　the　establishment　of　a　post…office　at　Baldwin's
  Ranch；　and　told　you　to　answer　it；　as　ingeniously　as　you　could；　with
  arguments　which　should　persuade　them　that　there　was　no　real　necessity　for
  as　office　at　that　place。
  I　felt　easier。　　〃Oh；　if　that　is　all；　sir；　I　did　do　that。〃
  〃Yes；　you　did。　　I　will　read　your　answer　for　your　own　humiliation：
  WASHINGTON；　Nov。　24
  〃Messrs。　Smith；　Jones；　and　others。
  〃'GENTLEMEN：　　What　the　mischief　do　you　suppose　you　want　with　a
  post…office　at　Baldwin's　Ranch？　　It　would　not　do　you　any　good。
  If　any　letters　came　there；　you　couldn't　read　them；　you　know；　and；
  besides；　such　letters　as　ought　to　pass　through；　with　money　in　them；
  for　other　localities；　would　not　be　likely　to　get　through；　you　must
  perceive　at　once；　and　that　would　make　trouble　for　us　all。　　No；　don't
  bother　about　a　post…office　in　your　camp。　　I　have　your　best　interests
  at　heart；　and　feel　that　it　would　only　be　an　ornamental　folly。　　What
  you　want　is　a　nice　jail；　you　knowa　nice；　substantial　jail　and　a
  free　school。　　These　will　be　a　lasting　benefit　to　you。　　These　will
  make　you　really　contented　and　happy。　　I　will　move　in　the　matter　at
  once。
  〃'Very　truly；　etc。；
  Mark　Twain；
  〃'For　James　W。　N；　U。　S。　Senator。'
  〃That　is　the　way　you　answered　that　letter。　　Those　people　say　they　will
  hang　me；　if　I　ever　enter　that　district　again；　and　I　am　perfectly
  satisfied　they　will；　too。〃
  〃Well；　sir；　I　did　not　know　I　was　doing　any　harm。　　I　only　wanted　to
  convince　them。〃
  〃Ah。　　Well；　you　did　convince　them；　I　make　no　manner　of　doubt。　　Now；　here
  is　another　specimen。　　I　gave　you　a　petition　from　certain　gentlemen　of
  Nevada；　praying　that　I　would　get　a　bill　through　Congress　incorporating
  the　Methodist　Episcopal　Church　of　the　State　of　Nevada。　　I　told　you　to
  say；　in　reply；　that　the　creation　of　such　a　law　came　more　properly　within
  the　province　of　the　state　legislature；　and　to　endeavor　to　show　them　that；
  in　the　present　feebleness　of　the　religious　element　in　that　new
  commonwealth；　the　expediency　of　incorporating　the　church　was
  questionable。　　What　did　you　write？
  〃'WASHINGTON；　Nov。　24。
  〃'Rev。　John　Halifax　and　others。
  〃'GENTLEMEN：　You　will　have　to　go　to　the　state　legislature　about　that
  speculation　of　yoursCongress　don't　know　anything　about　religion。
  But　don't　you　hurry　to　go　there；　either；　because　this　thing　you
  propose　to　do　out　in　that　new　country　isn't　expedientin　fact；　it
  is　ridiculous。　　Your　religious　people　there　are　too　feeble；　in
  intellect；　in　morality；　in　piety　in　everything；　pretty　much。　　You
  had　better　drop　thisyou　can't　make　it　work。　　You　can't　issue　stock
  on　an　incorporation　like　thator　if　you　could；　it　would　only　keep
  you　in　trouble　all　the　time。　　The　other　denominations　would　abuse
  it；　and　〃bear〃　it；　and　〃sell　it　short；〃　and　break　it　down。　　They
  would　do　with　it　just　as　they　would　with　one　of　your　silver…mines
  out　therethey　would　try　to　make　all　the　world　believe　it　was
  〃wildcat。〃　　You　ought　not　to　do　anything　that　is　calculated　to　bring
  a　sacred　thing　into　disrepute。　　You　ought　to　be　ashamed　of
  yourselves　that　is　what　I　think　about　it。　　You　close　your　petition
  with　the　words：　〃And　we　will　ever　pray。〃　　I　think　you　had　better　you
  need　to　do　it。
  〃'Very　truly；　etc。；
  〃'MARK　TWAIN；
  〃'For　James　W。　N…；　U。　S。　Senator。'
  〃That　luminous　epistle　finishes　me　with　the　religious　element　among　my
  constituents。　　But　that　my　political　murder　might　be　made　sure；　some　evil
  instinct　prompted　me　to　hand　you　this　memorial　from　the　grave　company　of
  elders　composing　the　board　of　aldermen　of　the　city　of　San　Francisco；　to
  try　your　hand　upon　a；　memorial　praying　that　the　city's　right　to　the
  water…lots　upon　the　city　front　might　be　established　by　law　of　Congress。
  I　told　you　this　was　a　dangerous　matter　to　move　in。　　I　told　you　to　write　a
  non…committal　letter　to　the　aldermenan　ambiguous　lettera　letter　that
  should　avoid；　as　far　as　possible；　all　real　consideration　and　discussion
  of　the　water…lot　question。　　If　there　is　any　feeling　left　in　youany
  shamesurely　this　letter　you　wrote；　in　obedience　to　that　order；　ought　to
  evoke　it；　when　its　words　fall　upon　your　ears：
  WASHINGTON；　Nov。　27
  〃'The　Honorable　Board　of　Aldermen；　etc。
  〃'GENTLEMEN：　George　Washington；　the　revered　Father　of　his　Country；
  is　dead。　　His　long　and　brilliant　career　is　closed；　alas！　forever。
  He　was　greatly　respected　in　this　section　of　the　country；　and　his
  untimely　decease　cast　a　gloom　over　the　whole　community。　　He　died　on
  the　14th　day　of　December；　1799。　　He　passed　peacefully　away　from　the
  scene　of　his　honors　and　his　great　achievements；　the　most　lamented
  hero　and　the　best　beloved　that　ever　earth　hath　yielded　unto　Death。
  At　such　a　time　as　this；　you　speak　of　water…lots！　what　a　lot　was　his！
  〃'What　is　fame！　　Fame　is　an　accident。　　Sir　Isaac　Newton　discovered
  an　apple　falling　to　the　grounda　trivial　discovery；　truly；　and　one
  which　a　million　men　had　made　before　himbut　his　parents　were
  influential；　and　so　they　tortured　that　small　circumstance　into
  something　wonderful；　and；　lo！　the　simple　world　took　up　the　shout
  and；　in　almost　the　twinkling　of　an　eye；　that　man　was　famous。
  Treasure　these　thoughts。
  〃'Poesy；　sweet　poesy；　who　shall　estimate　what　the　world　owes　to
  thee！
  〃Mary　had　a　little　lamb；　its　fleece　was　white　as　snow
  And　everywhere　that　Mary　went；　the　lamb　was　sure　to　go。〃
  〃Jack　and　Gill　went　up　the　hill
  To　draw　a　pail　of　water；
  Jack　fell　down　and　broke　his　crown；
  And　Gill　came　tumbling　after。〃
  〃'For　simplicity；　elegance　of　diction；　and　freedom　from　immoral
  tendencies；　I　regard　those　two　poems　in　the　light　of　gems。　　They
  are　suited　to　all　grades　of　intelligence；　to　every　sphere　of　life
  to　the　field；　to　the　nursery；　to　the　guild。　　Especially　should
  no　Board　of　Aldermen　be　without　them。
  〃'Venerable　fossils！　write　again。　　Nothing　improves　one　so　much　as
  friendly　correspondence。　　Write　againand　if　there　is　anything　in
  this　memorial　of　yours　that　refers　to　anything　in　particular；　do
  not　be　backward　about　explaining　it。　　We　shall　always　be　happy　to
  hear　you　chirp。
  〃'Very　truly；　etc。；
  〃'MARK　TWAIN；
  〃'For　James　W。　N…；　U。　S。　Senator。'
  〃That　is　an　atrocious；　a　ruinous　epistle！　　Distraction！〃
  〃Well；　sir；　I　am　really　sorry　if　there　is　anything　wrong　about　itbut
  but　it　appears　to　me　to　dodge　the　water…lot　question。〃
  〃Dodge　the　mischief！　　Oh！but　never　mind。　　As　long　as　destruction　must
  come　now；　let　it　be　complete。　　Let　it　be　completelet　this　last　of　your
  performances；　which　I　am　about　to　read；　make　a　finality　of　it。　　I　am　a
  ruined　man。　　I　had　my　misgivings　when　I　gave　you　the　letter　from
  Humboldt；　asking　that　the　post　route　from　Indian　Gulch　to　Shakespeare　Gap
  and　intermediate　points　be　changed　partly　to　the　old　Mormon　trail。　　But　I
  told　you　it　was　a　delicate　question；　and　warned　you　to　deal　with　it
  deftlyto　answer　it　dubiously；　and　leave　them　a　little　in　the　dark。
  And　your　fatal　imbecility　impelled　you　to　make　this　disastrous　reply。
  I　should　think　you　would　stop　your　ears；　if　you　are　not　dead　to　all
  shame：
  〃'WASHINGTON；　Nov。　30。
  〃'Messes。　Perkins；　Wagner；　et　at。
  〃'GENTLEMEN：　It　is　a　delicate　question　about　this　Indian　trail；　but；
  handled　with　proper　deftness　and　dubiousness；　I　doubt　not　we　shall
  succeed　in　some　measure　or　otherwise；　because　the　place　where　the
  route　leaves　the　Lassen　Meadows；　over　beyond　where　those　two　Shawnee
  chiefs；　Dilapidated　Vengeance