and　in　church　you　are　always　down　on　your　knees；　with　your　eyes　buried　in
  the　cushion；　when　the　contribution…box　comes　around；　and　you　never　give
  the　revenue　officer：　full　statement　of　your　income。　　Now　you　know　these
  things　yourself；　don't　you？　　Very　well；　then　what　is　the　use　of　your
  stringing　out　your　miserable　lives　to　a　lean　and　withered　old　age？　　What
  is　the　use　of　your　saving　money　that　is　so　utterly　worthless　to　you？　　In
  a　word；　why　don't　you　go　off　somewhere　and　die；　and　not　be　always　trying
  to　seduce　people　into　becoming　as　〃ornery〃　and　unlovable　as　you　are
  yourselves；　by　your　villainous　〃moral　statistics〃？　　Now　I　don't　approve
  of　dissipation；　and　I　don't　indulge　in　it；　either；　but　I　haven't　a
  particle　of　confidence　in　a　man　who　has　no　redeeming　petty　vices；　and　so
  I　don't　want　to　hear　from　you　any　more。　　I　think　you　are　the　very　same
  man　who　read　me　a　long　lecture　last　week　about　the　degrading　vice　of
  smoking　cigars；　and　then　came　back；　in　my　absence；　with　your
  reprehensible　fireproof　gloves　on；　and　carried　off　my　beautiful　parlor
  stove。
  〃YOUNG　AUTHOR。〃Yes；　Agassiz　does　recommend　authors　to　eat　fish；　because
  the　phosphorus　in　it　makes　brain。　　So　far　you　are　correct。　　But　I　cannot
  help　you　to　a　decision　about　the　amount　you　need　to　eatat　least；　not
  with　certainty。　　If　the　specimen　composition　you　send　is　about　your　fair
  usual　average；　I　should　judge　that　perhaps　a　couple　of　whales　would　be
  all　you　would　want　for　the　present。　　Not　the　largest　kind；　but　simply
  good；　middling…sized　whales。
  〃SIMON　WHEELER；〃　Sonora。The　following　simple　and　touching　remarks　and
  accompanying　poem　have　just　come　to　hand　from　the　rich　gold…mining　region
  of　Sonora：
  To　Mr。　Mark　Twain：　The　within　parson；　which　I　have　set　to　poetry
  under　the　name　and　style　of　〃He　Done　His　Level　Best；〃　was　one　among
  the　whitest　men　I　ever　see；　and　it　ain't　every　man　that　knowed　him
  that　can　find　it　in　his　heart　to　say　he's　glad　the　poor　cuss　is
  busted　and　gone　home　to　the　States。　　He　was　here　in　an　early　day；
  and　he　was　the　handyest　man　about　takin'　holt　of　anything　that　come
  along　you　most　ever　see；　I　judge。　　He　was　a　cheerful；　stirnn'
  cretur；　always　doin'　somethin'；　and　no　man　can　say　he　ever　see　him
  do　anything　by　halvers。　　Preachin　was　his　nateral　gait；　but　he
  warn't　a　man　to　lay　back　a　twidle　his　thumbs　because　there　didn't
  happen　to　be　nothin'　do　in　his　own　especial　lineno；　sir；　he　was　a
  man　who　would　meander　forth　and　stir　up　something　for　hisself。　　His
  last　acts　was　to　go　his　pile　on　〃Kings…and〃　（calkatin'　to　fill；　but
  which　he　didn't　fill）；　when　there　was　a　〃flush〃　out　agin　him；　and
  naterally；　you　see；　he　went　under。　　And　so　he　was　cleaned　out　as　you
  may　say；　and　he　struck　the　home…trail；　cheerful　but　flat　broke。　　I
  knowed　this　talonted　man　in　Arkansaw；　and　if　you　would　print　this
  humbly　tribute　to　his　gorgis　abilities；　you　would　greatly　obleege
  his　onhappy　friend。
  HE　DONE　HIS　LEVEL　BEST
  Was　he　a　mining　on　the　flat
  He　done　it　with　a　zest；
  Was　he　a　leading　of　the　choir
  He　done　his　level　best。
  If　he'd　a　reg'lar　task　to　do；
  He　never　took　no　rest；
  Or　if　'twas　off…and…on…the　same
  He　done　his　level　best。
  If　he　was　preachin'　on　his　beat；
  He'd　tramp　from　east　to　west；
  And　north　to　south…in　cold　and　heat
  He　done　his　level　best。
  He'd　yank　a　sinner　outen　（Hades）；**
  And　land　him　with　the　blest；
  Then　snatch　a　prayer'n　waltz　in　again；
  And　do　his　level　best。
  **Here　I　have　taken　a　slight　liberty　with　the　original　MS。　　〃Hades〃
  does　not　make　such　good　meter　as　the　other　word　of　one　syllable；　but
  it　sounds　better。
  He'd　cuss　and　sing　and　howl　and　pray；
  And　dance　and　drink　and　jest；
  And　lie　and　steal…all　one　to　him
  He　done　his　level　best。
  Whate'er　this　man　was　sot　to　do；
  He　done　it　with　a　zest；
  No　matter　what　his　contract　was；
  HE'D　DO　HIS　LEVEL　BEST。
  Verily；　this　man　was　gifted　with　〃gorgis　abilities；〃　and　it　is　a
  happiness　to　me　to　embalm　the　memory　of　their　luster　in　these　columns。
  If　it　were　not　that　the　poet　crop　is　unusually　large　and　rank　in
  California　this　year；　I　would　encourage　you　to　continue　writing；　Simon
  Wheeler；　but；　as　it　is；　perhaps　it　might　be　too　risky　in　you　to　enter
  against　so　much　opposition。
  〃PROFESSIONAL　BEGGAR。〃NO；　you　are　not　obliged　to　take　greenbacks　at
  par。
  〃MELTON　MOWBRAY；〃　Dutch　Flat。This　correspondent　sends　a　lot　of
  doggerel；　and　says　it　has　been　regarded　as　very　good　in　Dutch　Flat。　　I
  give　a　specimen　verse：
  The　Assyrian　came　down　like　a　wolf　on　the　fold；
  And　his　cohorts　were　gleaming　with　purple　and　gold；
  And　the　sheen　of　his　spears　was　like　stars　on　the　sea；
  When　the　blue　wave　rolls　nightly　on　deep　Galilee。**
  **This　piece　of　pleasantry；　published　in　a　San　Francisco　paper；　was
  mistaken　by　the　country　journals　for　seriousness；　and　many　and　loud
  were　the　denunciations　of　the　ignorance　of　author　and　editor；　in　not
  knowing　that　the　lines　in　question　were　〃written　by　Byron。〃
  There；　that　will　do。　　That　may　be　very　good　Dutch　Flat　poetry；　but　it
  won't　do　in　the　metropolis。　　It　is　too　smooth　and　blubbery；　it　reads　like
  butter　milk　gurgling　from　a　jug。　　What　the　people　ought　to　have　is
  something　spiritedsomething　like　〃Johnny　Comes　Marching　Home。〃　　However
  keep　on　practising；　and　you　may　succeed　yet。　　There　is　genius　in　you；　but
  too　much　blubber。
  〃ST。　CLAIR　HIGGINS。〃　Los　Angeles。〃My　life　is　a　failure；　I　have
  adored；　wildly；　madly；　and　she　whom　I　love　has　turned　coldly　from　me
  and　shed　her　affections　upon　another。　　What　would　you　advise　me　to
  do？〃
  You　should　set　your　affections　on　another　alsoor　on　several；　if　there
  are　enough　to　go　round。　　Also；　do　everything　you　can　to　make　your　former
  flame　unhappy。　　There　is　an　absurd　idea　disseminated　in　novels；　that　the
  happier　a　girl　is　with　another　man；　the　happier　it　makes　the　old　lover
  she　has　blighted。　　Don't　allow　yourself　to　believe　any　such　nonsense　as
  that。　　The　more　cause　that　girl　finds　to　regret　that　she　did　not　marry
  you；　the　more　comfortable　you　will　feel　over　it。　　It　isn't　poetical；　but
  it　is　mighty　sound　doctrine。
  〃ARITIIMETICUS。〃　Virginia；　Nevada。〃If　it　would　take　a　cannon…ball
  3　and　1/3　seconds　to　travel　four　miles；　and　3　and　3/8　seconds　to
  travel　the　next　four；　and　3　and　5/8　to　travel　the　next　four；　and　if
  its　rate　of　progress　continued　to　diminish　in　the　same　ratio；　how
  long　would　it　take　it　to　go　fifteen　hundred　million　miles？〃
  I　don't　know。
  〃AMBITIOUS　LEARNER；〃　Oakland。Yes；　you　are　right　America　was　not
  discovered　by　Alexander　Selkirk。
  〃DISCARDED　LOVER。〃〃I　loved；　and　still　love；　the　beautiful　Edwitha
  Howard；　and　intended　to　marry　her。　　Yet；　during　my　temporary　absence
  at　Benicia；　last　week；　alas！　she　married　Jones。　　Is　my　happiness　to
  be　thus　blasted　for　life？　Have　I　no　redress？〃
  Of　course　you　have。　　All　the　law；　written　and　unwritten；　is　on　your　side。
  The　intention　and　not　the　act　constitutes　crimein　other　words；
  constitutes　the　deed。　　If　you　call　your　bosom　friend　a　fool；　and　intend
  it　for　an　insult；　it　is　an　insult；　but　if　you　do　it　playfully；　and
  meaning　no　insult；　it　is　not　an　insult。　　If　you　discharge　a　pistol
  accidentally；　and　kill　a　man；　you　can　go　free；　for　you　have　done　no
  murder；　but　if　you　try　to　kill　a　man；　and　manifestly　intend　to　kill　him；
  but　fail　utterly　to　do　it；　the　law　still　holds　that　the　intention
  constituted　the　crime；　and　you　are　guilty　of　murder。　　Ergo；　if　you　had
  married　Edwitha　accidentally；　and　without　really　intending　to　do　it；　you
  would　not　actually　be　married　to　her　at　all；　because　the　act　of　marriage
  could　not　be　complete　without　the　intention。　　And　ergo；　in　the　strict
  spirit　of　the　law；　since　you　deliberately　intended　to　marry　Edwitha；　and
  didn't　do　it；　you　are　married　to　her　all　the　samebecause；　as　I　said
  before；　the　intention　constitutes　the　crime。　　It　is　as　clear　as　day　that
  Edwitha　is　your　wife；　and　your　redress　lies　in　taking　a　club　and
  mutilating　Jones　with　it　as　much　as　you　can。　　Any　man　has　a　right　to
  protect　his　own　wife　from　the　advances　of　other　men。　　But　you　have
  another　alternativeyou　were　married　to　Edwitha　first；　because　of　your
  deliberate　intention；　and　now　you　can　prosecute　her　for　bigamy；　in
  subsequently　marrying　Jones。　　But　there　is　another　phase　in　this
  complicated　case：　　You　intended　to　marry　Edwitha；　and　consequently；
  according　to　law；　she　is　your　wifethere　is　no　getting　around　that；　but
  she　didn't　marry　you；　and　if　she　never　intended　to　marry　you；　you　are　not
  her　husband；　of　course。　　Ergo；　in　marrying　Jones；　she　was　guilty　of