420　BC
  THE　KNIGHTS
  by　Aristophanes
  anonymous　translator
  CHARACTERS　IN　THE　PLAY
  DEMOSTHENES
  NICIAS
  AGORACRITUS；　a　Sausage…Seller
  CLEON
  DEMOS
  CHORUS　OF　KNIGHTS
  KNIGHTS
  （SCENE：…The　Orchestra　represents　the　Pnyx　at　Athens；　in　the　back…
  ground　is　the　house　of　DEMOS。）
  DEMOSTHENES
  Oh！　alas！　alas！　alas！　Oh！　woe！　oh！　woe！　Miserable　Paphlagonian！
  may　the　gods　destroy　both　him　and　his　cursed　advice！　Since　that　evil
  day　when　this　new　slave　entered　the　house　he　has　never　ceased
  belabouring　us　with　blows。
  NICIAS
  May　the　plague　seize　him；　the　arch…fiend…him　and　his　lying　tales！
  DEMOSTHENES
  Hah！　my　poor　fellow；　what　is　your　condition？
  NICIAS
  Very　wretched；　just　like　your　own。
  DEMOSTHENES
  Then　come；　let　us　sing　a　duet　of　groans　in　the　style　of　Olympus。
  DEMOSTHENES　AND　NICIAS
  Boo；　hoo！　boo；　hoo！　boo；　hoo！　boo；　hoo！　boo；　hoo！　boo；　hoo！！
  DEMOSTHENES
  Bah！　it's　lost　labour　to　weep！　Enough　of　groaning！　Let　us　consider
  now　to　save　our　pelts。
  NICIAS
  But　how　to　do　it！　Can　you　suggest　anything？
  DEMOSTHENES
  No；　you　begin。　I　cede　you　the　honour。
  NICIAS
  By　Apollo！　no；　not　I。　Come；　have　courage！　Speak；　and　then　I　will
  say　what　I　think。
  DEMOSTHENES　（in　tragic　style）
  〃Ah！　would　you　but　tell　me　what　I　should　tell　you！
  NICIAS
  I　dare　not。　How　could　I　express　my　thoughts　with　the　pomp　of
  Euripides？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Oh！　please　spare　me！　Do　not　pelt　me　with　those　vegetables；　but
  find　some　way　of　leaving　our　master。
  NICIAS
  Well；　then！　Say　〃Let…us…bolt；〃　like　this；　in　one　breath。
  DEMOSTHENES
  I　follow　you…'Let…us…bolt。〃
  NICIAS
  Now　after　〃Let…us…bolt〃　say　〃at…top…speed
  DEMOSTHENES
  〃At…top…speed！
  NICIAS
  Splendid！　just　as　if　you　were　masturbating；　first　slowly；
  〃Let…us…bolt〃；　then　quick　and　firmly；　〃at…top…speed！〃
  DEMOSTHENES
  Let…us…bolt；　let…us…bolt…at…top…speed！
  NICIAS
  Hah！　does　that　not　please　you？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Yes；　indeed；　yet　I　fear　your　omen　bodes　no　good　to　my　hide。
  NICIAS
  How　so？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Because　masturbation　chafes　the　skin。
  NICIAS
  The　best　thing　we　can　do　for　the　moment　is　to　throw　ourselves　at
  the　feet　of　the　statue　of　some　god。
  DEMOSTHENES
  Of　which　statue？　Any　statue？　Do　you　then　believe　there　are　gods？
  NICIAS
  Certainly。
  DEMOSTHENES
  What　proof　have　you？
  NICIAS
  The　proof　that　they　have　taken　a　grudge　against　me。　Is　that　not
  enough？
  DEMOSTHENES
  I'm　convinced　it　is。　But　to　pass　on。　Do　you　consent　to　my
  telling　the　spectators　of　our　troubles？
  NICIAS
  There's　nothing　wrong　with　that；　and　we　might　ask　them　to　show
  us　by　their　manner；　whether　our　facts　and　actions　are　to　their　liking。
  DEMOSTHENES
  I　will　begin　then。　We　have　a　very　brutal　master；　a　perfect　glutton
  for　beans；　and　most　bad…tempered；　it's　Demos　of　the　Pnyx；　an
  intolerable　old　man　and　half　deaf。　The　beginning　of　last　month　he
  bought　a　slave；　a　Paphlagonian　tanner；　an　arrant　rogue；　the
  incarnation　of　calumny。　This　man　of　leather　knows　his　old　master
  thoroughly；　he　plays　the　fawning　cur；　flatters；　cajoles；　wheedles；　and
  dupes　him　at　will　with　little　scraps　of　leavings；　which　he　allows
  him　to　get。　〃Dear　Demos；〃　he　will　say；　〃try　a　single　case　and　you　will
  have　done　enough；　then　take　your　bath；　eat；　swallow　and　devour；　here
  are　three　obols。〃　Then　the　Paphlagonian　filches　from　one　of　us　what　we
  have　prepared　and　makes　a　present　of　it　to　our　old　man。　The　other
  day　I　had　just　kneaded　a　Spartan　cake　at　Pylos；　the　cunning　rogue　came
  behind　my　back；　sneaked　it　and　offered　the　cake；　which　was　my
  invention；　in　his　own　name。　He　keeps　us　at　a　distance　and　suffers　none
  but　himself　to　wait　upon　the　master；　when　Demos　is　dining；　he　keeps
  close　to　his　side　with　a　thong　in　his　hand　and　puts　the　orators　to
  flight。　He　keeps　singing　oracles　to　him；　so　that　the　old　man　now
  thinks　of　nothing　but　the　Sibyl。　Then；　when　he　sees　him　thoroughly
  obfuscated；　he　uses　all　his　cunning　and　piles　up　lies　and　calumnies
  against　the　household；　then　we　are　scourged　and　the　Paphlagonian
  runs　about　among　the　slaves　to　demand　contributions　with　threats　and
  gathers　them　in　with　both　hands。　He　will　say；　〃You　see　how　I　have
  had　Hylas　beaten！　Either　content　me　or　die　at　once！〃　We　are　forced
  to　give；　for　otherwise　the　old　man　tramples　on　us　and　makes　us　crap
  forth　all　our　body　contains。　（To　NICIAS）　There　must　be　an　end　to　it；
  friend　Let　us　see！　what　can　be　done？　Who　will　get　us　out　of　this　mess？
  NICIAS
  The　best　thing；　friend；　is　our　famous　〃Let…us…bolt！〃
  DEMOSTHENES
  But　none　can　escape　the　Paphlagonian；　his　eye　is　everywhere。　And
  what　a　stride！　He　has　one　leg　on　Pylos　and　the　other　in　the
  Assembly；　his　arse　gapes　exactly　over　the　land　of　the　Chaonians；　his
  hands　are　with　the　Aetolians　and　his　mind　with　the　Clopidians。
  NICIAS
  It's　best　then　to　die；　but　let　us　seek　the　most　heroic　death。
  DEMOSTHENES
  Let　me　think；　what　is　the　most　heroic？
  NICIAS
  Let　us　drink　the　blood　of　a　bull；　that's　the　death　Themistocles
  chose。
  DEMOSTHENES
  No；　not　that；　but　a　bumper　of　good　unmixed　wine　in　honour　of　the
  Good　Genius；　perchance　we　may　stumble　on　a　happy　thought。
  NICIAS
  Look　at　him！　〃Unmixed　wine！〃　Your　mind　is　on　drink　intent？　Can　a
  man　strike　out　a　brilliant　thought　when　drunk？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Without　question。　Go；　ninny；　blow　yourself　out　with　water；　do
  you　dare　to　accuse　wine　of　clouding　the　reason？　Quote　me　more
  marvellous　effects　than　those　of　wine。　Look！　when　a　man　drinks；　he
  is　rich；　everything　he　touches　succeeds；　he　gains　lawsuits；　is　happy
  and　helps　his　friends。　Come；　bring　hither　quick　a　flagon　of　wine；　that
  I　may　soak　my　brain　and　get　an　ingenious　idea。
  NICIAS
  My　God！　What　can　your　drinking　do　to　help　us？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Much。　But　bring　it　to　me；　while　I　take　my　seat。　Once　drunk；　I
  shall　strew　little　ideas；　little　phrases；　little　reasonings
  everywhere。
  （NICIAS　enters　the　house　and　returns　almost　immediately　with　a
  bottle。）
  NICIAS
  It　is　lucky　I　was　not　caught　in　the　house　stealing　the　wine。
  DEMOSTHENES
  Tell　me；　what　is　the　Paphlagonian　doing　now？
  NICIAS
  The　wretch　has　just　gobbled　up　some　confiscated　cakes；　he　is　drunk
  and　lies　at　full…length　snoring　on　his　hides。
  DEMOSTHENES
  Very　well；　come　along；　pour　me　out　wine　and　plenty　of　it。
  NICIAS
  Take　it　and　offer　a　libation　to　your　Good　Genius。
  DEMOSTHENES　（to　himself）
  Inhale；　ah；　inhale　the　spirit　of　the　genius　of　Pramnium。　（He
  drinks。　Inspiredly）　Ah！　Good　Genius；　thine　the　plan；　not　mine！
  NICIAS
  Tell　me；　what　is　it？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Run　indoors　quick　and　steal　the　oracles　of　the　Paphlagonian；　while
  he　is　asleep。
  NICIAS
  Bless　me！　I　fear　this　Good　Genius　will　be　but　a　very　Bad　Genius
  for　me。
  （He　goes　into　the　house。）
  DEMOSTHENES
  And　I'll　set　the　flagon　near　me；　that　I　may　moisten　my　wit　to
  invent　some　brilliant　notion。
  （NICIAS　enters　the　house　and　returns　at　once。）
  NICIAS
  How　loudly　the　Paphlagonian　farts　and　snores！　I　was　able　to
  seize　the　sacred　oracle；　which　he　was　guarding　with　the　greatest　care；
  without　his　seeing　me。
  DEMOSTHENES
  Oh！　clever　fellow！　Hand　it　here；　that　I　may　read。　Come；　pour　me
  out　some　drink；　bestir　yourself！　Let　me　see　what　there　is　in　it。　Oh！
  prophecy！　Some　drink！　some　drink！　Quick！
  NICIAS
  Well！　what　says　the　oracle？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Pour　again。
  NICIAS
  Is　〃Pour　again〃　in　the　oracle？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Oh；　Bacis！
  NICIAS
  But　what　is　in　it？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Quick！　some　drink！
  NICIAS
  Bacis　is　very　dry！
  DEMOSTHENES
  Oh！　miserable　Paphlagonian！　This　then　is　why　you　have　so　long
  taken　such　precautions；　your　horoscope　gave　you　qualms　of　terror。
  NICIAS
  What　does　it　say？
  DEMOSTHENES
  It　says　here　how　he　must　end。
  NICIAS
  And　how？
  DEMOSTHENES
  How？　the　oracle　announces　clearly　that　a　dealer　in　oakum　must
  first　govern　the　city。
  NICIAS
  That's　one　tradesman。　And　after　him；　who？
  DEMOSTHENES
  After　him；　a　sheep…dealer。
  NICIAS
  Two　tradesmen；　eh？　And　what　is　this　one's　fate？
  DEMOSTHENES
  To　reign　until　a　filthier　scoundrel　than　he　arises；　then　he
  perishes　and　in　his　place　the　leather…seller　appears；　the　Paphlagonian
  robber；　the　bawler；　who　roars　like　a　torrent。
  NICIAS
  And　the　leather…seller　must　destroy　the　sheep…seller？
  DEMOSTHENES
  Yes。
  NICIAS
  Oh　woe　is　me！　Where　can　another　seller　be　found；　is　there　ever